Some things I’ve learned this week

I am content being just like a gal pal to Charles.

My skillset in procrastination/conflict-avoidance/denial still shock me.

That instead of focusing on what to do to fix our son in terms of respect, work, honesty, relationships to look to God for answers in terms of what do I need to learn? What is God showing me through our son and with that knowledge and change will be able to help and encourage our son better.

That I’ve been missing my friends something fierce. To hug them, smell them (reads kind of creeepy I know) and be in their presence. I cry thinking of them and without me ever meeting Charles I would have never met them. For that I am thankful I met him.

I got to know many of my son’s schoolmates while rescuing them from a failed transportation mess-up. I know their names and grades knowing the people who associate with my son makes me happy. It’s harder as he’s gotten older and in a new town.

That prayer and worship refresh me more than anything else.

That I’ve never really looked at what made me, me and lately I’ve felt the Holy Spirit reveal that I’m me not because I was born a certain way I chose that. I am not overtly self-conscious because when you were continually rejected as a little girl you either become a weak coward or find who you are on your own. I chose the latter.

I’m noticing that the one’s who have so much patience, compassion, gentleness.. didn’t come with a fruit of the spirit silver spoon. From my experiences have happened to bring out those things, trials, challenges, work.

I know that’s the case with me.

And in looking at my past to evaluate myself. I see a root of pain that Charles touched. See I always wanted to get away from my mother when I was small. Any chance I got. I never understood why I was her daughter and I felt forced into a situation I had no control over. It hurt, bothered me. My Mother knew this and treated me as such. I was a child, I was hers, and  I had to endure her.

I was forced/had to endure being his wife when he had an affair. I was in a situation I had no control over and Charles was in the driver seat taking me on a ride I never wanted to be on. He could have let me out. He could have got out of the car and not come back, he could have stopped the car asked me to get out and show me what was weighing the car down. but nope he kept on driving. Hoping Kendra and his disgusting-ness would just go away.

He kept on driving I knew the car was slowing down, not working as well as it should he’d get out for awhile check out things in the back of the car, and come back and say all is well. The car felt strange I didn’t know our car was dragging Kendra along with an affair sign attached to the bumper barely hanging on.

I would try to get out of the car and say can I help maybe but nope he’d shut my door and offer to go to counseling, go to bible studies, say he wants to save our marriage as if to say stay in the car NH I’ll take care of this, your safe.

I’m learning to forgive myself for not forcing my way out of that dam car and believing him.

I know he’s not my Mom but it feels the same. I had no choice she was my Mom and I was hers. Charles had a choice and the answers I don’t know why I took you on that ride, or I hoped it would go away, or I didn’t think of you none of them are good answers. None of them should have been options for me. Especially not someone who chose me.

I was never his and I’m still not. He didn’t give birth to me and no one would take him to jail if he left me.

Acknowledging a deep rooted pain makes me cry and I’m not sure what to do with that.

I’m sure Charles would say that’s the past. Just let it go right? And I laugh comically thinking about those words coming out of his mouth. And instead of taking a moment to feel any kind of pain he would just say well okay can we move on from this. Do I have to stay stuck there?

But maybe he wouldn’t say those things.. guess I will find out tomorrow.

I’m okay being Charles’s friend and nothing more and not even a good friend that calls everyday but just talk about our kids and on occasion bang each other when sex is needed, if even that. Oh and if he needs something I’m okay doing that as long as it doesn’t inconvenience me too much.

An old friend of mine said you married him in 9 months, it’s been a year and a half if the love hasn’t returned more than likely it wont.

I never logistically though this way. Charles thinks its because the old friend is a guy and may want me, which is silly..

Well time to go sleep on my comfy couch..

Till next time

❤ NH

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