Many good things seem to be plagued by her or him.
Songs, random things, friendship, topic of love, topic of best friends.
And I wonder am I crazy.. good grief get ahold of yourself NH!!
I do not want the memories to plague me. How do I make them stop? Will they stop on their own like nightmares which come and go?
Or do I have control to make them stop. Is that a possibility?
Divorce has been weighing heavily on my mind.
I saw the movie “The Song” and it was great I plan on buying it.
I texted the pastor’s wife my new found friend about praying for me and wanting a divorce.
It’s funny the way we conduct ourselves, our family, you would think Charles would not be that guy..
Because I can clearly see as I speak vaguely about my marriage to new found friend how much I dislike my husband. She asks maybe we just need to spend time together. Date nights perhaps?
Awww.. I swear I need to re-read those stupid date nights that were attempted when this all went down.
I don’t want to spend time with him. I mean I love him and respect him, but I have no desire to spend time with him and the times we do talk. It’s bad guys.. I mean if we are not on a strict agenda with talk with kids or house.. it does not end well..
And I know that is my own doing??
But does that mean I’m bitter, resentful?
I’m not sure.
I do want to hug and kiss the guy and good grief he sure looks so sad at times.
My heart would hurt something terribly if I ever wounded so many people in my life, for the sake of sex and excitement.
I’m not sure if I want to like him, or find passion again with him. I know I miss what I thought I had in my marriage, but he wasn’t that guy so what the fuck am I so darn pissed off about?
While I was organizing our game board cupboard I found a tiny wooden box I engraved and wrote a prayer in. I sent this to him in Iraq.
Why does he keep these things??
One of the lines in the prayer was and God if he ever forgets I love him, help him remember.
That line stung.. A LOT.. fucking still burns..
Because for a moment I was like thanks a whole bunch God.. that prayer was not answered and then I blamed him.
He chose to turn his back on God.. he chose to deny all the messages to him..
Ugh.. what a mess this marriage is..
We hugged today and decided we should not curse anyone else with our craziness and that’s why we should stay together.
Silly I know..
I feel lost.. lost with the kids in school and lost in my life.. career wise.. and everything else.
I need to start up something to build new memories on my own. I asked my brother if he wanted to go on a brother sister trip.. he accepted.. just not sure where.
Going to start up Duolingo again too..
Lately I’ve gotten sad about the tiniest occurrence of them in my life..
I have got to get out of this rut for sure..
❤ you all
Til next time