The memories remain

Many good things seem to be plagued by her or him.

Songs, random things, friendship, topic of love, topic of best friends.

And I wonder am I crazy.. good grief get ahold of yourself NH!!

I do not want the memories to plague me. How do I make them stop? Will they stop on their own like nightmares which come and go?

Or do I have control to make them stop. Is that a possibility?

Divorce has been weighing heavily on my mind.

I saw the movie “The Song” and it was great I plan on buying it.

I texted the pastor’s wife my new found friend about praying for me and wanting a divorce.

It’s funny the way we conduct ourselves, our family, you would think Charles would not be that guy..

Because I can clearly see as I speak vaguely about my marriage to new found friend how much I dislike my husband. She asks maybe we just need to spend time together. Date nights perhaps?

Awww.. I swear I need to re-read those stupid date nights that were attempted when this all went down.

I don’t want to spend time with him. I mean I love him and respect him, but I have no desire to spend time with him and the times we do talk. It’s bad guys.. I mean if we are not on a strict agenda with talk with kids or house.. it does not end well..

And I know that is my own doing??

But does that mean I’m bitter, resentful?

I’m not sure.

I do want to hug and kiss the guy and good grief he sure looks so sad at times.

My heart would hurt something terribly if I ever wounded so many people in my life, for the sake of sex and excitement.

I’m not sure if I want to like him, or find passion again with him. I know I miss what I thought I had in my marriage, but he wasn’t that guy so what the fuck am I so darn pissed off about?

While I was organizing our game board cupboard I found a tiny wooden box I engraved and wrote a prayer in. I sent this to him in Iraq.

Why does he keep these things??

One of the lines in the prayer was and God if he ever forgets I love him, help him remember.

That line stung.. A LOT.. fucking still burns..

Because for a moment I was like thanks a whole bunch God.. that prayer was not answered and then I blamed him.

He chose to turn his back on God.. he chose to deny all the messages to him..

Ugh.. what a mess this marriage is..

We hugged today and decided we should not curse anyone else with our craziness and that’s why we should stay together.

Silly I know..

I feel lost.. lost with the kids in school and lost in my life.. career wise.. and everything else.

I need to start up something to build new memories on my own. I asked my brother if he wanted to go on a brother sister trip.. he accepted.. just not sure where.

Going to start up Duolingo again too..

Lately I’ve gotten sad about the tiniest occurrence of them in my life..

I have got to get out of this rut for sure..

❤ you all

Til next time

❤ NH


4 thoughts on “The memories remain

  1. Sending healing prayers NH. Sometimes it’s hard to see God’s purpose and that tests our faith but it’s that faith that is the one constant. Charles lost that constant and maybe needs to reconnect. My faith has given me the strength to survive. At my lowest ebb I have asked for his guidance and for a sign of his love and he has never failed me. Stay strong have time with your brother and hopefully you will know what you want at the end of it xxx

  2. I wish I could tell you what to do and what you need in order to get you out of your rut. The only thing I can say is to continue to take it to God. Continue to leave everything in His hands and try to find that peace that surpasses understanding. It still hurts me when I have to deal with my ex. I don’t cry, but I still feel that pang, like a stabbing in my heart. When I feel that pain, I quickly say a quick prayer. It’s the only thing that has been helping me. That, and allowing myself the time I need to get through all of this suffering. A trip will definitely distract you, but you need to give yourself the time necessary to make whichever decision it is that you need to make in your life. If I could suggest, go and see that movie, War Room. I just saw it last night and it totally had me invigorated and rejuvenated! My spirit man received some awesome power!

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