Cleaning the kitchen and making videos

Making videos with Squish is so very fun.

I love Squish lately I’ve been thinking about putting her in daycare and getting a job.

Seems like my kitchen is out of control.. but it also seems the more my home is out of place so is my life.

Thank you for the kind words yesterday.

the valley’s are deep and I often find being with Charles is more detrimental to me than not..

But my marriage, my relationship with Charles is such a grain of sand compared to who I am as a person, and how I affect my children and the people around me…

My life is a grain of sand.. and it’s difficult wondering if I am making myself miserable?

Charles is not the enemy.. but am I my worst enemy?

Back to the scrubbing I go 🙂

Til Next time..

❤ NH

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One thought on “Cleaning the kitchen and making videos

  1. Hey N love! I was here too…
    my cw looked at me Monday and said “YOU LOOK SO CALM!” she was totally stunned…It took me back…I didn’t know what to say or what she was really talking about so I just shrugged my shoulders. She said “well you do!” Then I thought about it…she hasn’t seen me since the separation. I had forgotten how much freedom separation has brought. Crazy enough, I thought that it would actually be viewed as a really bad decision considering all that is going on. But she said, “I was actually really worried about you the first time I visited…you were so scattered and I couldn’t tell if you were having side effects of medication or if you were hitting your breaking point and ready to snap…” SCARY right? I said…I totally disagree that I was at a breaking point but I was scattered…too much of my energy was invested into trying to trust my husband…I lived in a hazy oppressive state…when I removed that equation out of my life I had a HUGE amount of space in my mind to give to the things that are priorities in my life. It goes to show how much I put into the relationship and how little he did. Because I’ve done nothing but gained energy from him leaving. She said talking to my counselor helped her understand where I was at, but that she was still worried but visit by visit she’s seen improvement in my demeanor. She was so happy to hear that my med dosage have gone down more than half of what I was taking since the incident. She saw me as being able to finally make decisive action with my husband as a really positive thing. I think the people that have been involved in my life have been thinking I am crazy for letting him stay, they just didn’t want to say it. My counselor, the in home counselor and cw all say the same thing…that it is GOOD and may be an awakening for him as well to see the depth of the consequences of his actions. Because I’ve held that “gift” back from him by taking on all the consequences. Anyway…I pray your day of freedom from this battle will come soon, that you will have clarity and a break through. ❤ Love you girl

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