Counseling yet again..

I am a crazy person if I don’t think I need it.

Just resources out here are pretty scarce.. so there’s that.

I just found out about it.

So inquired. I hope I can go.

I have a hard time letting go. I know don’t fall out of your seat from shock or anything but I do even ideas that may not be the best for me.

For example Charles seems to come from a school that our relationship can be better and this is a fresh start for us..

And well if you’ve been reading awhile you know what a bunch of bullshit I think that is.

Because I was dating him before and during his dam affair.

I was wanting to be closer and finding ways to be near him, before and during his stupid stint being a slut. Stupid is stupid does Charles and Kendra 2012-2014

Just typing that makes me want to vomit..

Because I’m not in love with him. I do love the guy but hell if I get excited to see him.

Touch feels nice.. I can’t say his because I think I have always liked ;physical touch from anyone.

Really I would love to date, or not be tied down with this marriage. And just explore new men

I always thought I would be married and that was and is my life.

But I am married.. but feel less attached to him as the days go on and I’m not sure if that’s okay or not.

Because I think I know what it’s going to take to be happily married to Charles and I’m just not interested..

Date him, spend time with him, enjoy him..

Not interested.. I mean we can watch T.V. together but other than that.. I’ll pass..

And does that mean my marriage is over? Do I just need to wait until Oct and sign papers and hand them to him?

Am I just afraid of being hurt again and have a hardened heart?

I am not sure.

I know I don’t really care to know him anymore and I’ve been pretty firm in that

What’s going on in that mysterious person is no one I want to get to know.

Also I’ve found out that I know a little bit about what I think is love. I mean being with Charles making breakfast, lunches, dinners.. doing life with him.. I can understand it that even though the passion is gone we are here. Getting along mostly, raising our family, and financially growing equity in our home and learning to bless others.

This is that love I think people are talking about. Where you wish the best for them and can go towards positive moments more than negative and live at peace with a person.

Even if you are not madly in love with them..

Found this on Pinterest

See the passion is gone. My husband can be just an (insert here type of person) because Charles the man well I respect, love, and care for him. But the want to be his wife and stay with him? Is not there.

I’ve seen many of us betrayed here. We were trying to make it well with the soon-to-be-cheat and finally, cheat, but they are liars and deceivers and we did that we loved our spouses when we didn’t feel loved at all. When they were being douchebags, sluts, liars, ego-pumped amateur porn-stars at their worst.

And then our work was ripped in two. Because all our love and care went unnoticed, unappreciated, and under valued.

See I was taking Charles on date nights before this affair occurred and during and to date him brings such BAD BAD memories in the sense of the company I kept.

I had great times when we were with other couples except the other slut.. fuck you Kendra. yeah fuck you.. and I doubt you could ever be the wife your husband wants, but hopefully you can keep your vagina between you and Bob. I know it’s a difficult task for you, but maybe pop enough Xanax and it might keep the slut tendencies at bay. I hope for Bob’s sake it works, because he super loves you.

Anyways yeah Charles and I went out with some great couples, Glasses, Books, Rizzo, another couple S&J.. so funny..

Great times.. and I cherish those times with those folks and I would love to delete Charles from the picture of those memories because I don’t feel he should have been a part of them.

I know NH being all judgy bear I know.. but writing here helps get all the ugly out. Helps me process all the thoughts I feel good and bad and evaluate..

Evaluate what am I doing?

Where am I going?

The plan was for me to stay home raise our kids and hopefully I can start a few businesses under my belt when the kiddos get a little older and we can work on being financially independent.

But now the plan has changed. Because the we turned to me. I no longer see Charles in my future.

I see him being there at all my kids functions.. weddings.. births.. graduations..

but I don’t see us together.

and I am unsure if I am okay with that or not

I want to make the best decision for me and our kids

Not based on fear, loneliness, routine,

i want to find God’s will for my life

I definitely do not want to ever be foolish enough to convince myself of passion for Charles again, or anyone for that matter…

Here’s to the day.. It’s beautiful!! Plan on getting out in the sun 🙂

❤ NH

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