Seeing me and forgiving myself

Today was a stormy blustery day..

But after the rainy storm beautiful falls came down from the mountains..

And I smile thinking about that I’ve got a pretty amazing life (-Charles)

Let’s just say he died suddenly.. I’m on an amazing island in Alaska the beaches are wonderful, people are people everywhere and all are amazing..

You know my friendship with a wonderful woman helped get Charles this job without my friendship with her we would have never known the agency was in our vicinity and I got myself here. Yes, yes Charles did the work to keep the job, but I supported him, took care of our babies, and he’s here with  huge credit to me.

Not that I ever dreamed of going to Alaska.. but I’ve lived in a few states and made great friends along the way.

One huge mistake of befriending a snake, and marrying one.. (or he says he isn’t one now)

Giving myself credit has felt rewarding and humbling. Because for a moment there and I’m sure I’m not out of the storm but I felt God had forsaken my prayers for my marriage, for what I asked for.

i wonder if it’s the Venti cold-brew affecting my brain.. but I feel really blessed right now, watching my Dad play with Squish in the grocery store, putting all my blessings to bed at night, humbling myself before our son and telling him I’m sorry about asking him about a girl (the mother FB’d me and said her daughter said my son had a crush on her) directly instead of gently doing so.

I’m not a beat around the bush type of gal, but my methods can be seen as abrasive and I want to walk gently and lovingly with my son in finding himself among a bunch of hormones that he doesn’t know what to do with (he told me he’s not interested but I’m still watching).

Anyways this is turning out longer than expected.. but I wanted to tell you all today was a good day.

I love coffee dates, but sometimes I refuse them with Charles because I just don’t feel like it. And today I did that but then asked him.

Because I have always loved coffee dates with anyone. To get to know about someone else’s day and just connect with someone because today has been a playdough, playing dolls, just being at Squish’s beckon call today.

So I went. Not as his wife but I treated him like a person. Not a backstabber, not as if I was madly in love with him and now I’m not so here we are. Just to get out while Squish was napping and get a coffee 🙂 (Cold brew LOVED IT!!)

I’m looking for my dreams. What makes me passionate, I know my gift to this world is my sincerity and honesty. All know where I stand with them. There isn’t a whole lot of guessing and people find comfort in that. I don’t wear a mask, I don’t have time for one, never had. My mother was a huge contributor to that factor.

She made me feel like crap, and that I wasn’t worthy of love..

Either I figured out who I was real fucking quick or I’d lose myself and believe the lies that her actions fed me.

Also she dropped me off at any vacation bible school and sunday school she could. Jesus loved me and so did my Dad

Finding me over again has been difficult not sure if actually finding me, but finding new dreams has been difficult for me.

Squish just discovered Tangled and we’ve been watching it daily.. and

all she wanted to see was those floating lights.. and then it was on to a new dream..

Of course she is fictional and a princess, but my dream died and during this whole process I’ve found it hard to commit to any idea.

Except to keep waking up, be kind to myself, pray, love my kids.

Anymore has been too much because I’ll be fucking mad as all sin. I will think one way then another.

But I’m feeling rather ready today anyway. Ready to not put their twisted deception behind me, but in seeing myself and being okay with me.

That I’m worth so much more than being with Charles. He’s darn blessed to have an honest, passionate, hard-working, God-fearing wife.

I put myself down all the time thinking he was the bee’s knees and how lucky I am to have him.

But I hope to make myself clear that I’m not being the same as him in some narcissist way as if I’m better than him..

Because it’s just seeing me. I never realized the compliments I gave him, the pedal stool I put him on had me not being good-enough, and he made me feel that way too.

Not good-enough with his sarcasm and avoidance of feeling, conflict, of human communication.

I’m starting to see myself, feel myself, and forgive myself

If that makes any sense at all and it feels amazing..

And I will never be happy I was cheated and deceived, but I do know I would not look at people’s actions and how they live their life as closely if this had not happened to me.

I never believed I would love, sleep with and feed snakes.

And now that I have, I will assist my children in anyway I can. Not to protect them but to help them see what I know now.

Give them a lesson that could only come through infidelity for me.

If you watch someone enough you will see their character. Don’t be mislead by words, a pretty face, feelings, or sex

I was misled, not because of Charles but because of me.

I compromised myself to be with him, for years.. I wasted my youth with him.

I think forgiving myself for that has been a huge battle for me.

I think today.. I feel like I’m making headway in forgiving myself, seeing the gifts God has given me and figuring out what to do with them. Better yet ask God what my dream is and how do I continuing the path to forgive myself.

For taking myself for granted, for not acknowledging my talents, for being so darn hard on myself, for not allowing God to soften this heart toward myself from the get-go, I never knew my problem was that big. I never knew how angry I was at myself for my whole life until now.

Good grief this is long..

But I just had to get this all out or I was going to burst!!


10 thoughts on “Seeing me and forgiving myself

  1. I read once that we only tolerate abuse from others to the point that we abuse ourselves. When the abuse exceeds what we do to ourselves then we walk away or cut them out of our lives. But if we stay and we allow it to continue, then we believe we deserve it. I believe that I have seen this in my situation because I honestly do not believe I am enough. So I tolerated him cheating when I said I never would. Because I can look back at the ways I failed. I don’t believe I deserve my own happiness. I wish I did. I just don’t. And I know that’s why I am still here. I wish it was because I was sure he was trustworthy or because I knew we would be okay. But I think I know it’s because I don’t think I deserve better.
    I think from your post you are starting to value yourself more and abuse yourself less. This will result in you accepting less abuse. This is actually wonderful. I hope I get stronger and more confident and that he treats me well enough to stay with me on that journey.
    Time will tell, I suppose.

    • I loved him so I made excuses for him because I had no role models for marriage we just kind of found our way together. We both come from single parent homes and just had to kind of fend for ourselves socially. I believed we did life together. I believed he and I were a team, not the best team but if we didn’t get along or had troubles we would tell each other.

      I never expected him to bail on me, like he did.
      I never thought I would keep the company of such immature adults, I never saw either of them to be abusive. But I always believed they wanted better for themselves because both of them lacked the strong character I saw about them because I loved them.

      They didn’t they were not strong but weak individuals who would rather hide than be honest and kind.

      It’s true I’m learning to value myself more. I never thought I had a problem until now. I mean I knew I was hard on myself, but I never realized what I put up with because I thought he believed in honoring our marriage.. and if not honor it then leave.

      But to lie?? To believe his own lies?? To let her lie to me?? Ugh.. Whoa.. it shows I was right all along. He blamed me for so much yet look who I married.

      Why wouldn’t I have been discontent with life. Did he pursue me, our marriage, our family??

      Did he work with me? Nope..

      It’s crazy he still thinks he is able to decipher the kind of person he was before affair and during.

      It shows balls and stupidity at the same time.

      I don’t know if you are still there because you don’t think you deserve better.

      Staying with him doesn’t mean you tolerate cheating. I fucking don’t.
      Staying there shows guts and strength. Many of us are not 18 with no financial responsibilities, and barely any history.

      It takes guts both ways to walk out and stay..

      Both are hard. You are not tolerating anything you are surviving fucking shock and finding your way.

      Which is what you should be doing. No matter with him or without him you would still be doing the same thing in your brain..

      Finding your way, your happiness again, your dreams, how you love, who you love, and what you want out of life.

      All of these things would still happen in the same house with him or not

      But let’s go with your theory and say you are tolerating cheating by staying..

      What then.. so you know you deserve better? How will you show yourself you deserve better and how will you communicate that to the world?

      You will get stronger FF as long as you are good to yourself, find love even amongst the darkest places in your mind, and try to live each day as your last..

      That has helped me, but I’m 18 months out and 500+ posts, 1 week in the mental ward, countless therapy appointments, hysterically crying to friends to keep me away from her house and out of jail.

      And I’m pretty sure the crazy hasn’t left me just dialed down a bit.

      thanks for the comments

      You are enough FF. You always have been.
      This is your story now and either he puts up or shuts up is how I see things.
      You have new dreams to pursue. New fairytales and they may include him and they may not.
      That is up to you.
      You will get stronger and confident.

      I don’t doubt that one bit ❤ NH

      Sorry I tried my best to re-read my comment.. it's so damn hard now that I can't see the whole thing 🙂

      • I actually really needed that. Sometimes I give up and my self-talk is brutal. I am thankful for your refreshing honesty and balanced perspective. I do know that I have to take this whether I stay or leave and manage it into my story, so I do want him to make it better. It can be his job or the next guy’s, right?
        I just think we get to be our priority now because they made their needs the priority and it didn’t go well. So I figure maybe let’s try it this way now. Can’t go worse.
        You are really a blessing on here. Thanks. xx

  2. NH,

    I often think that forgiving ourselves is where the healing really starts. Of course, we are not responsible for their tomfuckery. But, I do feel responsible for allowing myself to lose me. It is funny, I didn’t really see how far lost I had become over the years. It was rather a shock.

    And, then having to figure it out again. I do liken it to my own mid-life crisis. Who am I really? What are my strengths and capabilities? What are my dreams and hopes that are not dependent upon another? Whether we D or R, these questions and issues would remain.

    I think going back to school has helped me so much. Not just to have a goal, something to better my job opportunities, but also to show myself that I am capable. It doesn’t answer all of the questions above, but I feel like it will open a few more doors to help me answer those questions. The program allows five years to finish a two year Masters, so I am taking my time, slow and steady (with breaks each time we move). When all is said and done, it will have been 3.5 years since I started the program by the time I finish, just in time for our next move. I know you said you had an educational opportunity, perhaps a next step?

    • Yeah.. I still do.. but I was trying to finish my Bachelor’s with baby, toddler, homeschooling son, all while my health wasn’t in order.
      I will look into the online college and check won’t take me long to finish I have 18 credits left.
      But I’m not sure I want the pressure. Moving to Alaska has been mind-blowing I was doing so much in KS that being here has slowed me down.

      Minimal activities for kids, minimal activities for me.

      And being okay not doing anything has been hard, but something I’ve never done. Just fucking calm down and breathe.

      Not think about my career or future, but maybe it’s time.

      Also I’m leaning towards the entertainment sector, and relating to humans.

      But thanks for the KITA to check out going to school again.

      I agree I didn’t realize how much I compromised with Charles until this all came down.

      I thought that was what a marriage was compromise but his ass never budged and I was damned to not stay stagnant about an unpleasant situation.

      I didn’t fight him when I should have. I should have left him a long time ago, but I made excuses, I chose to love him and accept him, I thought that is what marriage was..

      Well doesn’t work that way if only 1 participates..

      Best comment ever made by him..

      “I didn’t realize how little I brought to our marriage until now”

      I do think I would do great as some sort of infidelity mascot you know the crazy friend..

      I don’t know but I want to put my talents to good use.. just not sure how and not sure school is the right choice..

      LOL!! I sound like a person in my 20’s with no back-up plan!..

      Is this what they mean by starting over??

      • If you are not ready, you are not ready. I wholeheartedly admit that I did not start back to school until my kids were both in full day school. The year MC was away, I continued but at tortoise speed and it was hard, so hard that I took off the term before our last move as well as the term of our move. It is a time for making the choices that work for your future and healing, whatever the choices may be. TL xx

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