Today was a stormy blustery day..
But after the rainy storm beautiful falls came down from the mountains..
And I smile thinking about that I’ve got a pretty amazing life (-Charles)
Let’s just say he died suddenly.. I’m on an amazing island in Alaska the beaches are wonderful, people are people everywhere and all are amazing..
You know my friendship with a wonderful woman helped get Charles this job without my friendship with her we would have never known the agency was in our vicinity and I got myself here. Yes, yes Charles did the work to keep the job, but I supported him, took care of our babies, and he’s here with huge credit to me.
Not that I ever dreamed of going to Alaska.. but I’ve lived in a few states and made great friends along the way.
One huge mistake of befriending a snake, and marrying one.. (or he says he isn’t one now)
Giving myself credit has felt rewarding and humbling. Because for a moment there and I’m sure I’m not out of the storm but I felt God had forsaken my prayers for my marriage, for what I asked for.
i wonder if it’s the Venti cold-brew affecting my brain.. but I feel really blessed right now, watching my Dad play with Squish in the grocery store, putting all my blessings to bed at night, humbling myself before our son and telling him I’m sorry about asking him about a girl (the mother FB’d me and said her daughter said my son had a crush on her) directly instead of gently doing so.
I’m not a beat around the bush type of gal, but my methods can be seen as abrasive and I want to walk gently and lovingly with my son in finding himself among a bunch of hormones that he doesn’t know what to do with (he told me he’s not interested but I’m still watching).
Anyways this is turning out longer than expected.. but I wanted to tell you all today was a good day.
I love coffee dates, but sometimes I refuse them with Charles because I just don’t feel like it. And today I did that but then asked him.
Because I have always loved coffee dates with anyone. To get to know about someone else’s day and just connect with someone because today has been a playdough, playing dolls, just being at Squish’s beckon call today.
So I went. Not as his wife but I treated him like a person. Not a backstabber, not as if I was madly in love with him and now I’m not so here we are. Just to get out while Squish was napping and get a coffee 🙂 (Cold brew LOVED IT!!)
I’m looking for my dreams. What makes me passionate, I know my gift to this world is my sincerity and honesty. All know where I stand with them. There isn’t a whole lot of guessing and people find comfort in that. I don’t wear a mask, I don’t have time for one, never had. My mother was a huge contributor to that factor.
She made me feel like crap, and that I wasn’t worthy of love..
Either I figured out who I was real fucking quick or I’d lose myself and believe the lies that her actions fed me.
Also she dropped me off at any vacation bible school and sunday school she could. Jesus loved me and so did my Dad
Finding me over again has been difficult not sure if actually finding me, but finding new dreams has been difficult for me.
Squish just discovered Tangled and we’ve been watching it daily.. and
all she wanted to see was those floating lights.. and then it was on to a new dream..
Of course she is fictional and a princess, but my dream died and during this whole process I’ve found it hard to commit to any idea.
Except to keep waking up, be kind to myself, pray, love my kids.
Anymore has been too much because I’ll be fucking mad as all sin. I will think one way then another.
But I’m feeling rather ready today anyway. Ready to not put their twisted deception behind me, but in seeing myself and being okay with me.
That I’m worth so much more than being with Charles. He’s darn blessed to have an honest, passionate, hard-working, God-fearing wife.
I put myself down all the time thinking he was the bee’s knees and how lucky I am to have him.
But I hope to make myself clear that I’m not being the same as him in some narcissist way as if I’m better than him..
Because it’s just seeing me. I never realized the compliments I gave him, the pedal stool I put him on had me not being good-enough, and he made me feel that way too.
Not good-enough with his sarcasm and avoidance of feeling, conflict, of human communication.
I’m starting to see myself, feel myself, and forgive myself
If that makes any sense at all and it feels amazing..
And I will never be happy I was cheated and deceived, but I do know I would not look at people’s actions and how they live their life as closely if this had not happened to me.
I never believed I would love, sleep with and feed snakes.
And now that I have, I will assist my children in anyway I can. Not to protect them but to help them see what I know now.
Give them a lesson that could only come through infidelity for me.
If you watch someone enough you will see their character. Don’t be mislead by words, a pretty face, feelings, or sex
I was misled, not because of Charles but because of me.
I compromised myself to be with him, for years.. I wasted my youth with him.
I think forgiving myself for that has been a huge battle for me.
I think today.. I feel like I’m making headway in forgiving myself, seeing the gifts God has given me and figuring out what to do with them. Better yet ask God what my dream is and how do I continuing the path to forgive myself.
For taking myself for granted, for not acknowledging my talents, for being so darn hard on myself, for not allowing God to soften this heart toward myself from the get-go, I never knew my problem was that big. I never knew how angry I was at myself for my whole life until now.
Good grief this is long..
But I just had to get this all out or I was going to burst!!