More to the Talking and Flour free.. dammit.. seriously???

everytime I eat white flour, bread.. whatever my gut hates me..

Just can feel it and I play hey NH you’ll feel fine after you eat your homemade pizza..

Nope.. I am not fine..

I don’t want to be flour free.. 😦

Anyways talking..

Talking to Charles about how I feel, how I see our past.. He gets so damn defensive.

And it pisses me off. Once again I see it as making everything about him! Fucker..

And he keeps wanting to touch me and I’m like seriously dude what the fuck are you touching me for if I can’t talk to you about my life?

Oh that’s right because it makes you feel like a horrible person, and you remember your failures..

Oh boo fucking hoo..

Yeah I’m lacking compassion today for his ass. I know that’s a hard part of this journey in this process to not get all CRAY CRAZY!! and say fucker it’s my way or the highway you selfish bitch!!

Because talking to Charles like that is counterproductive. Because I’m just complaining about the same thing he’s doing to me..

Being a selfish bitch.

No need to to call the kettle black.. I know I’m a pot too.

However analyzing it enough to be wonder am I putting up with his stupid shit again?

Am I wasting my life again being with this man??

Charles doesn’t think our past was a waste and he gets all up in arms and pouty faced when I express that is how I feel.

Because I do I feel like I wasted my youth being with him. There was alot more bad than good going on in our marriage. I was just love delusional.

I’m not love delusional any more and I suppose Charles thinks he’s had enough of it.

And you all know what NH says to that right.. fuck you.. fuckity fuck, fuck you!!

He’s had enough of referencing the past.

He’s had enough of hearing about how I feel and what I tolerated in our marriage.

Because it makes him sad.. and he doesn’t understand what it has to do with our present..

I know “Bitch said what??”

Yeah he sure did.. FML I married someone this inept..

A part of me thinks I need to sit him down and present him with a PP presentation on what I’ve gone through to remind his ass..

That my life was false and I never wanted that bullshit in my life.. but he brought it anyway.

I have one of the most inauthentic men I have ever met.. and I’m married to him..

Sometimes I feel so damaged being associated with his ass, then I’m like fuck that I’m my own person fuck him.. then I’m like okay now what?

I suppose he’s authentic now, but he’s gone through nothing in my eyes. He didn’t deal with the pain he just tries to forget, suppress, it will all go away one day he hopes..

I told him a few nights ago I’m still very angry with you and he said that bothered him because I haven’t forgiven him.

I said that doesn’t mean I haven’t forgiven you. So because I’m angry about what happened right now means I haven’t forgiven you? He said yes..

Ugh.. facepalm..

When I saw the movie The Song 

when his AP came to his house and then they argued after the AP went into her car. The wife says “You never wanted a wife! You wanted a whore! Because that is exactly what showed up on our doorstep!”

That’s what I want to tell Charles! You never wanted me, you wanted and seem to still want someone like her. To just play up your ego, to be enticed to bang, and be quiet. Fuck that if he wanted quiet he should have left A LONG time ago.

He wanted timid a liar.. and boy is she a fucking liar.. Good grief she threw my husband under the bus numerous times while the truth was coming out and wow.. says alot about the woman who sent her underwear to him while he was on the east coast just a month before the truth came out.

I’m probably sick but I treasure the moments in my mind of his facial expressions of the hurt look on his face after Bob and I would talk. A look of solemn disappointment and he would look down like a dog who done wrong and say that isn’t what happened.

He never once threw her under the bus. He always said “We (meaning her and him) started it, we tried to end it, we left communication open, we were wrong.

He never said she started it, she did this, she told me this.. probably because he couldn’t remember anyway.

She was just a hole.

I don’t want to be a hole. And sometimes being here and even if we aren’t having sex I feel like a hole.

I don’t like when I can’t express myself with someone.

Makes me feel that I have to hide who I am to appease a situation.

I did that when I was little with a horrible mother. I did that in my younger years with this husband thinking I was following God allowing change in my heart but seeing none in him.

I refuse to ever play that role again. Especially since I didn’t even know I did that until a little while ago?

What’s the point of even doing this if I can’t be who I am?

But as I find my dreams I guess to some degree I know I’m changing and have changed some better and some for worse..

But I’m not 100% what I want can I be so sure who I am?

Well off to try and talk to his ass again.

I won’t back down ladies and gents..

Never again..

Till Next Time..

❤ NH.

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