The norms

Cleaning house, dorking off, making apple crisp

Singing worship songs with kids wrestling with the boy.

Replying to an email that never gets sent 

Because I’m not sure if the email is appropriate or not.

Is what I am trying to tell him with it or not

Because he cannot process all I think or feel

And a part of me wants to scream because he’s a fucking moron loser who doesn’t care about you and will never get it!!

And another part of me says calm the fuck down acting like that towards anyone doesn’t get us anywhere and does nothing for us. The email is not being sent because the message might not be what we want to say.

We will send it just not right now let’s give it time

And that is out of norm for me to take my time.

To give more thought than exactly what I feel within the split nanosecond of NH opening her mouth 

I have grown from all of this and even the good stuff doesn’t piss me off like it used to.

Like good things are happening because this fucker cheated on me Grrrrrrrrr….

Whether he’s treating me better or not or just positive things for myself.

But now I first get a little pissed and give myself some time to think about it all. And usually I get to think about what will make me happy and how can I relax and calm myself 

All great things with or without Charles I am becoming at peace with me.

My choices how I think, how I react.

If I think about it I don’t want to be his wife but I try not to go there because until I can answer why without hate, anger, and make sure it’s Gods will for me to move on then I want to focus on that.

And others might say well what about Charles? It’s pretty messed up he stays with someone who doesn’t want him.

Somedays I want him somedays I don’t.

Somedays I sleep with him somedays I don’t.

I’m not getting back at him but it’s more like I am finding me.

I want to be of strong character and I definitely know I acted in ways I would not want my children to act and I want to understand me, love me, be kind to me

Because I can’t count on Charles not now anyway

Maybe one day I’ll trust him and all of this will be history

But for now it isn’t and  I want to be honest with myself and with Charles.

My BIL said that if the relationship becomes stagnant then it’s not with it anymore and I told him it’s never stagnant because I am growing. So there will always be movement in this relationship. Because I won’t let myself get drug down with him, or just stay where I am it’s not my style.

I learn and grow with myself, my kids and God

Doesn’t matter what he does anymore

I can only hold up my end of anything.

I was wrong I lied when I said for better or worse. 

Because I would still leave him and somedays I dream about getting married to a man who I am head over heels with. 

I have thought much about that how I obviously did not mean forever with my vows and I wonder what I will choose and why someday

I’m sure as time passes the answers will come 

I look forward to finding those answers and living the best life I can until then 

 Til next time 



5 thoughts on “The norms

  1. Difficult thought patterns but you seem to making a lot of headway for YOU. The important one:-) I don’t think that we can stop out thoughts or turn them around into better ones. I know I can’t. I have horrible thoughts that I wish I didn’t BUT I now choose how I respond. Well, most of the time. That little bit of space between thinking and acting is my freedom in all this SHIT. There is no rush. Most things take time, practice and patience. Hugs to you :))))

    • Isn’t that the truth yeah I don’t do well with replacing maybe later on down the line I tried it, but was not a fan. It’s all about the conflict or fight within me and how I deal with it.

      And lately been doing okay I think I hate sometimes that I’m even unsure of that statement LOL!

  2. hugs. At least you are able to put your honest thoughts down and reexamine them at a later time. That is very important for retrospection of oneself. I think you are brave and am happy you have voiced your concerns. You seem to have quite a bit of patience as well so kudos to you from me!

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