I bet he didn’t know as he was fucking her..

That I would hate him so bad that I’ve thought about killing him too many times to count.

That I value spending time with anyone of my numerous friendships, even to go as to enjoy the company of the grocery clerk at Safeway more than him.

I bet he didn’t know that as he was sexting her.

Now he knows and I see the sadness that no one can take from him.

On the days I cannot fathom being with him he knows. On the days I tolerate him, he knows.

I’m pretty sure he wishes he could unknow.

The lack of care in this relationship is growing nauseating and I wonder if this is what everyone is talking about how things will run its course.

But nothing is stagnant here I’m growing, changing, hell even losing weight due to the whole my body wants to flip-the-fuck out when I eat white flour.

Potty mouth tonight.

Our boy got his Tenderfoot in Boy Scouts our whole little family went.

I love seeing him grow and sometimes I have to stop myself from thinking I sure hope you don’t turn out like your Dad.

And today I really wanted to snap the fuck out of it because I was dreaming up ways I could live in this house without him.

I was thinking I could open up a foster group home and stay home still with my own babies and send more off to school.

I have a new found appreciation for children since this all has come down.

I can be the strong role model for other young children and my own.

I do feel sorry for Charles he dug his own hole, but I can’t fake passion or that I care.

He comes up to tell me he’s going to bed. He’s not feeling well today. I changed the sheets for him and let him lay down after work (I have to keep kiddos away Squish is the worst) But he does what he needs to do and I do what I want to do.

I didn’t touch him once since he’s been home or even at the Boy Scout Court of Honor.

Am I with-holding love? I don’t think I am sometimes I wonder am I just protecting myself or do I truly not care.

Anyways therapist says to not make any big decisions and to get healthy until next time I see her.

And that’s what I’m doing.

Although I feel as if I could let go and love him as if we were starting new, but I’ve tried that and it felt so fake because it seemed that I was just living for the moment. I want to hug him, have sex with him, smile with him, hold him.. sure fun times I guess but it seemed immature I guess.. maybe better word superficial

Yeah superficial is more like it.

I hate superficial, but I’m one of those BIG personality types.

But maybe since I’m so against the idea I need to learn from it, or it’s time to be superficial to enjoy the moment.

Is this what Charles is talking about?

Because it’s so easy for me to say fuck that shit.. I’m 15 years into knowing you and we are playing superficial??!!! FML FML and NH just stomps and crys on the ground with her big curly mop on her head failing all around.

I don’t just enjoy moments as they are my last. I’m in the moment trying to figure out what the fuck I’m doing.

But maybe I do know a little about this world of enjoy the moment.. probably how I used to be able to finish of cakes and dozens of doughnuts.. 🙂

Ahhh Donuts..

Anyways.. things are strange around here and we have company coming Sat.. ugh..

I want to be excited I really do, but when Charles and I are just so Meh.. I just want to hide in my own world for awhile..

But onwards and upwards butter is on sale tomorrow BOGO free so it’s like 2.79 for butter!! SCORE..

Butter here can be like 5-6 dollars and just talking generic butter.

and I just will not pay that.. no way.. so I stock up when it’s on sale and I buy a boatload of BUTTER!!

Until it goes on sale again.. 🙂

Also honeycrisp apples are 1.88 here.. Say what??!! I could pay almost 4 in KS.. and I’m like honeycrisping it up here..

Till Next Time..

❤ NH

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10 thoughts on “I bet he didn’t know as he was fucking her..

  1. NH- one day at a time, one step forward, two steps back and so it goes on. The slug might have gone but the slime remains. It’s all in our heads and we feel responsible for our thoughts but we’re having a battle because the truth is our thoughts can’t be orchestrated. I WANT desperately to stop thinking all the slime stuff – but I can’t, it’s like the backdrop to my life. Can only send you love and hugs as you work your own way through it x

  2. Hugs to you. At least you got some good prices on food and your son is a tenderfoot. Those are two nice things. Take it easy on yourself as you have been through the wringer and back.

  3. LOL honey crisps are my fav!
    You’re doing good…focus on getting healthy and as you gain back a sense of “yourself” again you will know exactly what to do. Clarity is coming…Look where your thoughts run toward…Freedom is out the door…Superficial is staying in. You husband has to make healing a priority for himself personally or soon you will find yourselves worlds apart.
    Cheers to health my dear ❤ Happy Friday<3

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