Even after almost 19 months I still want to see and the conflict between Charles and I

I was going to email Bob and ask for any proof he had of their texts, or communication.

I want to see what i was left for..

Now Charles doesn’t see this as if he never left me, never wanted us to part, yet he despised me, and didn’t like who I was..

As if the fucker knew who I was, or knows who I am now..

I get it I get the point of past is past NH is he doing those things now??

Well no, but I just went through his FB messages again and wow he just messaged other women whenever he felt like it.

He is no open book.. guess he is now.. but it baffles me the man who will tell me he was for me until he wasn’t..

The proof is, his ass was no one’s husband..

And maybe the thought isn’t who the fuck is my husband?

More my husband doesn’t know me, or how to value a relationship..

Maybe he does now.. and don’t I feel lucky..

Maybe it’s PMS acoming, maybe it’s the fact that the cold-brew I made off of Pinterest is pretty GOOD and making me a caffeine-crazed betrayed..

Needless to say I did not email Bob.. I called Charles instead to talk with him..

And as I did.. One of the things that stuck out to me is he said “But I’m better than before?”

And I was shocked because I was all like crap I don’t know..

He was vilified for so long and I totally think our relationship was crap back then.. so gauging him as better than before??

Fuck if I know..

And should I be gauging him? Obviously he gauges himself and that looks like fucking arrogance to me.

But he is kinder, he’s more touchy feely..

Is that better? I guess..

Well off to take Squish to the rec and play on a bouncy house..

Today will not be a waste..

Getting my shit together will be trying to paint the girls ceiling some more and get my room more organized..

Little by little I am moving out of that room.

I don’t mind sleeping there but I want to create my own space and I don’t want excuse man of I don’t have time to oppress my creativity.

I need my own space..

I want to create it.. A place to escape him, to escape me.. I guess.

Here’s to the day guys, it will not be crap..

I will not waste my life and I deleted the draft to Bob.

I don’t need to intervene in his life and his healing..

This is between me and Charles, Charles and I..

Till Next time

❤ NH

8 thoughts on “Even after almost 19 months I still want to see and the conflict between Charles and I

  1. I like that you can empathize with Bob and attempt to spare him some triggers that you could unintentionally set off like fireworks or worse, atomic bombs. (Those dang triggers…the worst)

    Prayers for you to take each moment as it comes. Give grace and mercy when you can. Time will hopefully separate you further and further from the destruction of your old marriage. Perhaps one day your heart can love and grow within this new marriage. Prayers!!!

    • Whoops pressed send too soon but thank you i suppose it’s strange my first instinct is to say that for me to even want to be in this new marriage I must be healthy and ready for a relationship and then I think will I ever be ready?

      • Well im sure you know however long you live with the anger and bitterness (that you by no means asked for…yes I know) then you are hindering your personal healing regardless of what put you there. At some point, maybe you can find the fight for your happiness for your mental, spiritual and emotional health! I wish you the best on this wretched journey you are on! !!

  2. You did a good thing deleting that email to Bob. REALLY good thing. Like you, he needs to heal. Impossible for that to happen if you’re sending him emails requesting details about the affair, texts, whatever. You truly have come a long way, even if you can’t see it or feel it. Enjoy creating your wonderful space. Make it yours. Make it what you need it to be. SWxo

    • Thanks SW.. I look forward to doing just that and finding my dreams does that sound cliche?
      I hope you are doing well… and thanks for the compliment again.. guess I don’t really gauge my progress..
      I’m glad you can tell change and for the better.. ❤ ya NH

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