BIRTHDAYS!! and Why the first week of Nov. is tasking not to want to punch my husband in the face.

The boy turns 13 today..

OMGoodness I officially have a teenager.. I need a button and some balloons.. I made it ❤

I clearly know the 5th of November anyways

It’s difficult and my birthday being two days after. Because I remember Charles watching our kids as his mistress took me out for coffee..

I look back and think what the fuck how did I get so intertwined with such an asshole as this??

Birthdays have always kept me grounded they help me remember who I have become, and where I want to go.

I’ve always loved birthdays.. especially mine..

So to keep the hate at bay I’ve been tackling a business opportunity and looking at only me..

I also have been tackling my theology. How I love God, how I follow God, and wanting to get better in my prayer-life.

Worship always makes me feel better, grounded, and helps fill me with love and truth rather than a bunch of lies and sadness that fall on me somedays.

I want to be honorable, and learn to love me.. this has been a terrible time because no lie, I’m sad my boy is OLD, and that I didn’t realize marrying such a prick would change my life so drastically..

So I’ve eaten like crap, and just plain acted like a little like the old me.. just shut-down.. but better in a way that I still clean up what I can, look for ways to smile, and talk to God.

I no longer feel any guilt if I don’t make him breakfast, lunch, or even dinner.

I don’t feel any guilt when it comes to him at all. I am free of ever caring to please him over and beyond what I could actually want to do..

I am thankful to be free of that guilt. I’m not searching for any perfect gift for him for Christmas or birthdays. I don’t care about his love language, I don’t care about being a submissive, devoted, praying, wife.. or whatever Christian philosophy tried to indoctrinate me with that didn’t work anyway..

I’m free of that guilt too that I wasn’t good enough that I was so fortunate to be married to him.

I try my darndest not to go the extreme route of I’m too good for him bit… because really where does that fit into my new worldview?

It’s still including him in places he’s no longer included, nor should anyone be. I still have a strange competitive spirit when I do something with or for Charles

I will either say outloud or think it’s because I’m not a douch-bag whore that I’m a great spouse. Did that bitch ever cook for you? You do anything with her besides treat her like some sort of sexting booty call? See how awesome I am compared to you and your slut-bag girlfriend..

Oh geesh is there a bloopers for us betrayed? Because I didn’t receive any Emmy’s, or Oscar’s for my competitive, sad, pathetic theories and drama of how better of a woman I am than her, or person than him..

If I did receive any awards they must have got lost in the mail. I suppose living in AK that’s a reasonable idea..

And for awhile I liked being able to sit on my high pedestal of faithful spouse and claim my righteousness! I still do sometimes..

But alas it’s vanity and frivolity at most.

Because I don’t need to weigh my character, who I am against someone else in order for me to be me..

I need me and God to feel good.

To feel good about myself in light of the douche bags I surrounded myself with..

Because I’m me. I can feel good without comparing myself to anyone or anybody. Even the spouse I am no longer happy I’m married too.

He is a convenience. We chose this path for our lives because we both mattered to each other at the time.

I looked after our brood and he brought in the money.

I am diligently working on accepting that rather than read about some lady who thinks I should be financially set or should not stay home with my kids

or it’s because I’m a SAHM that my husband cheated on me because he knew I didn’t have the means to leave.

My husband and I chose these things together. He was a judgmental asshole when it came to me and with good ol Kendra the crotch-rocket all her flaws could be overlooked. But what we chose together has done us well. Our children are happy and healthy.

I am learning to be healthy. To love myself, be kind to myself, and revel in all that is fearfully and wonderfully made.

And that helps me not to want to punch him or her in the face. Because the need for that becomes unnecessary because who are they to me anyway?

Both of them are not essentials in my life to maintain my character, to grow my character, or to even make me feel good about myself, or achieve my goals.

Sure he is financially essential right now? But will he always be? I sure hope not and I want to work towards my future that secures that.

As I turn 36 in two days I want to just look at the woman in the mirror and smile at her. I did the best I could with what I have.

There is so much that God has in store for me as long as I keep my eyes on HIM because when I stray? I sink in the water.. I fall into the cesspool of the terrible situation I am in, I become, sad, frustrated, and angry..

I want to punch him in the face.. her too.. but him more he’s closest after all.

But when I realize that I’m learning more and more about myself each day that I choose to. Find out what stresses me out, get more sleep, drink water, and then drink more water..

Breathe.. soak in all the beauty of this place that God made, and soak in my beauty as well.

Then the hate becomes so second rate.. so small compared to what I have and what I look forward to for my future like celebrating my kids birthdays and loving on these 4 blessings. I still want more kids.. I suppose God did me a favor by us getting him fixed. Probably best I not have a baby with a man I don’t feel entirely comfortable with anymore, or love with all my heart.

Here’s to the journey..

Till Next Time

❤ NH