Lament and Abandonment

Okay so our church is going over a series in Ruth and I absolutely love it.

And it’s brought some real truth to my life about this marriage and what I want.

I want to be fiscally responsible

I want to be healthy

I want to not want to eat packages of Oreo cookies.. No really I enjoy good food too, salads, vegetables, and the like

So I don’t buy into the if I only tasted better foods out there because I have grown my own vegetables and by golly I adore homegrown tomatoes.. just like I still like Big Macs..

Anyways off that soap box

So to lament in meaning bringing my unhappiness to God..

And believe God is so good and is good that He’s answered my prayer

And acting without sin and know that redemption is going to happen. My broken heart will not always be broken..

I mean I remember being broken-hearted before in my life before Charles and Kendra bullshit got dumped on me.. ugh.. fucking people..

Anyways so while I was thinking about lamenting I opened a word document out to write some things down. My therapist now is big on that and I am too.

Because these are the thoughts I need to address in therapy..

For example.. My lament.. what am I so broken-hearted about? That Charles and Kendra are emotionally inept? Am I broken over how I fell for said person. Don’t get me wrong I still think about Kendra briefly I mean she was a big presence in my life.. I made her that way.. but the cord of our relationship severed..

It’s more him.. it always has been.. betrayal amongst friends is common a blow to the skull but common almost as common as cheating spouses I suppose..

But what about him and is it really about him at all? Usually no.. I’m angry I fell for him and why? Why did I fall for such a heartless, arrogant, jerk? What made me think a drunken soldier was a good idea? Because I was naive, foolish, and silly. I thought he had strong character was someone who believed in building a life with me.

I’m no longer 21.. I am 36 none of that bullshit excuses can fly anymore..

So I’ve been thinking what is it that I want solved and yeah I know things are not that easy.. I mean some people seem to put betrayal under those terms I’ve heard many..

Can’t you just forgive him?

You just need to extend grace to him?

Men struggle with lust.

If you can fix the problems in your relationship then it’ll work out.

You just have to be sexier for your man.

Ugh kill me on the last one.. I wish I didn’t have to live through these stupid comments just because my husband has/had little character..

Anyways  it’s just comforting to know what I want in terms of if God answered my prayers of sadness and broken-ness gone away what would that look like to me? When the pain is gone.. when the sadness dissipates..

And if I acted out in faith that God already answered my prayers because He’s a GOOD God, GOOD Father.. how will I act? what would that look like for me?

Great questions and thoughts to dwell on..

So on to the 2nd part in the title abandonment.

There’s big fallacy in his statements towards me on how he failed me and while I was going to get my blood checked I hopefully now can express to him that his mistakes, his affair, his character were not failures to me they were abandonment.

He abandoned me without saying good-bye.

He abandoned what we stood for as a couple, as a family.

He abandoned our faith

He walked away from everything.

He didn’t just fail me.

He abandoned me

I hope this puts it into perspective for him. I’m sure he’ll just shrug this off and think oh here we go again. I understand and I hope it hits home for him.

It also hits home for me too. In profound ways, what it’s like to be abandoned, and how he can’t abandon me anymore. Because he already left.

Once again the new person he is now whatever. I care to the point of he abides by the contract he agreed upon before he broke it.

It’s the same union just I feel insanely different about him now.

I recently told my brother jokingly I’m not finding anyone to leave my husband with here.. He said you can find someone to leave your husband anywhere and we laughed..

I can’t wait to see him..

 

 

 

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