So I did the whole another blog thing but it didn’t create a whole entity blog it still kept my original profile and I couldn’t follow others on it..
So I have to create a whole new wordpress file and since I already took the name to the one I picked thinking I was creating another one so now I’ll have to come up with another gmail account and then another wordpress name..
Are you seeing how my new idea went to crap really fast.. but work with what you go and my laziness to not start a whole new scenario because the first one didn’t work out?? Makes me wonder if that’s what I’m doing in my marriage..
Ugh.. this daunting marriage..
The one where I’m healing.. losing weight, attempting to start a business, and fix my house..
Yeah I’m like an avid house painter now.. it’s fantastic and hard because Squish loves to touch walls when I paint.. and not just touch the walls we’re talking full blown body contact.. it’s so silly I mean I should expect it because she’s 2.. but also she rarely ever touches the walls unless to draw on them until I paint then it’s like her whole body has to touch the wall..
Pray for Squish.. oh how I love that girl..
Anyways so my laziness.. good grief I am tired.. grumpy.. and LAZY.. which never help me in not hating him..
Lately I see my flaws and think this is how I accepted him for who he was, because I thought I wouldn’t marry a liar, much less be friends with one..
And BAM!! I got me a two for one affair.. a double whammy..
However I am noticing as much despair as the affair brought my life, I have seen so much more love. Of course not coming from my husband, but from the ladies who I did ministry with, who I shared life with.
Rizzo thinks I will see the love that the husband pours out to me. But I doubt I ever will. Can’t forsee the future though good and bad.. I still want more kids, never thought I would say that.. but I do.. I want to have a baby with a man that knows how to love, who is kind, and walks with me in life not against me..
I had a dream where I ran into Kendra somewhere and she told me she’d been texting Charles since Sept 25th and I saw her phone I saw the texts. And it hit me, this is the end. My marriage is over not because of me, Kendra, or the affair. It’s because I married terribly..
And I was okay with it. The dream was so life like and real..
I was going to let Bob know if he didn’t already and start my life over.
I woke up wondering where the hell I was and what was going on.
I asked husband and he said I haven’t talked to her in almost 2 years.
wow 2 years since the affair really am I really closing in on 2 years?
I wish I didn’t have those dreams.
I wish I never met either of them.
But wishes don’t add up to much, but looking back I’m kind of glad I met them.. because I used to be kind to people, but now.. I’m different to them.. so much softer to people..
Because more often or not there is a crappy person like Charles and Kendra in everyone’s life
I couldn’t imagine two people more delusional about life IN my life and now they are both gone.
Charles is still here.. but I’m not sure this is going to last very long..
Many people here called it..
But who knows the future. I know how I feel and I’m not crazy about my husband anymore. I still like having sex with him.. but building my life over which essentially is what I’m doing with 4 kiddos, he doesn’t seem to be a huge part.
I kind of do my thing and he does his.
Which takes us back to the similar cycle before my marital relationship crumbled underneath me.
I hope I am becoming what I should have been before I met him and I think I am.
I am dreaming and exploring still. But on a much larger scale, because I am working on making things happen.
I am reading my Bible, and working on reading the Samoan Bible to my Dad so the Samoan learning new skills is happening again..
I trust a friend here in town enough to keep Squish so I can finish painting my living room. I am excited..
Kids are still digging school..
I want to work on letting go.. not of the hate, rage, or anger.. I know don’t laugh at me..
But I want to work on letting go of the nostalgia of my previous relationship with the husband.
I don’t think I ever loved him. Because let’s say something happened to all of my children I would leave him in a heart beat.. kid you not..
These children lock so much down for me.. and not in the I’m doing this for the kids bit..
But what I do know is God’s love and I fucked up.. I married one sick person and I too was sick as well..
We brought these 4 children into the world and boy do I love them.. I love them more now after affair than before if love can even be measured. I appreciate them more, find what I’m doing as their Mother meaningful.
I also would never know true love, the love I was meant to have and accept in my life without husband or Kendra.
Because with them I settled what I thought was love and friendship it wasn’t..
It was sick.. all of us were sick..
I’m getting better.. I really don’t care if husband ever does he’s his own person. It would be super cool if he did, but who knows focusing on him hasn’t done my life any favors so I’ll continue down my road..
Is it silly to not know what kind of road that is?
I want to bring glory to God but how?
Also I know I don’t want to give the gift of hate to Charles and Kendra anymore. They don’t deserve it and neither do I.
Living my life beautifully, gracefully (well as graceful as possible) isn’t the best revenge, the best thing is no revenge at all..
The best thing is not thinking about them at all. Charles and Kendra were hardships in my life, sick relationships that needed to die, like skinned knees, bad choices, and debt..
and hardships bring forth growth and strength. And the best of all for me knowing what love feels like again and finding love for me, who I am.. Seeing how much God loves me through my kids. I’m such a fuck-up yet I got to create these 4.
Feeling sorry for my kids won’t help them one bit, but growing becoming the woman I should have focused on more a LONG time ago way before I met husband.
I value myself
I love that “This is My Fight Song” song..
I got alot of life left in me.. I don’t care if no one else believes..
But I got many who believe in me..
Which makes me feel pretty good, special, and adored..