The other blog didn’t pan out the way I planned and well the fact I am too lazy to start a whole new one makes me worry..

So I did the whole another blog thing but it didn’t create a whole entity blog it still kept my original profile and I couldn’t follow others on it..

So I have to create a whole new wordpress file and since I already took the name to the one I picked thinking I was creating another one so now I’ll have to come up with another gmail account and then another wordpress name..

Are you seeing how my new idea went to crap really fast.. but work with what you go and my laziness to not start a whole new scenario because the first one didn’t work out?? Makes me wonder if that’s what I’m doing in my marriage..

Ugh.. this daunting marriage..

The one where I’m healing.. losing weight, attempting to start a business, and fix my house..

Yeah I’m like an avid house painter now.. it’s fantastic and hard because Squish loves to touch walls when I paint.. and not just touch the walls we’re talking full blown body contact.. it’s so silly I mean I should expect it because she’s 2.. but also she rarely ever touches the walls unless to draw on them until I paint then it’s like her whole body has to touch the wall..

Pray for Squish.. oh how I love that girl..

Anyways so my laziness.. good grief I am tired.. grumpy.. and LAZY.. which never help me in not hating him..

Lately I see my flaws and think this is how I accepted him for who he was, because I thought I wouldn’t marry a liar, much less be friends with one..

And BAM!! I got me a two for one affair.. a double whammy..

However I am noticing as much despair as the affair brought my life, I have seen so much more love. Of course not coming from my husband, but from the ladies who I did ministry with, who I shared life with.

Rizzo thinks I will see the love that the husband pours out to me. But I doubt I ever will. Can’t forsee the future though good and bad.. I still want more kids, never thought I would say that.. but I do.. I want to have a baby with a man that knows how to love, who is kind, and walks with me in life not against me..

Fucking husband..

I had a dream where I ran into Kendra somewhere and she told me she’d been texting Charles since Sept 25th and I saw her phone I saw the texts. And it hit me, this is the end. My marriage is over not because of me, Kendra, or the affair. It’s because I married terribly..

And I was okay with it. The dream was so life like and real..

I was going to let Bob know if he didn’t already and start my life over.

I woke up wondering where the hell I was and what was going on.

I asked husband and he said I haven’t talked to her in almost 2 years.

wow 2 years since the affair really am I really closing in on 2 years?

I wish I didn’t have those dreams.

I wish I never met either of them.

But wishes don’t add up to much, but looking back I’m kind of glad I met them.. because I used to be kind to people, but now.. I’m different to them.. so much softer to people..

Because more often or not there is a crappy person like Charles and  Kendra in everyone’s life

I couldn’t imagine two people more delusional about life IN my life and now they are both gone.

Charles is still here.. but I’m not sure this is going to last very long..

Many people here called it..

But who knows the future. I know how I feel and I’m not crazy about my husband anymore. I still like having sex with him.. but building my life over which essentially is what I’m doing with 4 kiddos, he doesn’t seem to be a huge part.

I kind of do my thing and he does his.

Which takes us back to the similar cycle before my marital relationship crumbled underneath me.

I hope I am becoming what I should have been before I met him and I think I am.

I am dreaming and exploring still. But on a much larger scale, because I am working on making things happen.

I am reading my Bible, and working on reading the Samoan Bible to my Dad so the Samoan learning new skills is happening again..

I trust a friend here in town enough to keep Squish so I can finish painting my living room. I am excited..

Kids are still digging school..

I want to work on letting go.. not of the hate, rage, or anger.. I know don’t laugh at me..

But I want to work on letting go of the nostalgia of my previous relationship with the husband.

I don’t think I ever loved him. Because let’s say something happened to all of my children I would leave him in a heart beat.. kid you not..

These children lock so much down for me.. and not in the I’m doing this for the kids bit..

But what I do know is God’s love and I fucked up.. I married one sick person and I too was sick as well..

We brought these 4 children into the world and boy do I love them.. I love them more now after affair than before if love can even be measured. I appreciate them more, find what I’m doing as their Mother meaningful.

I also would never know true love, the love I was meant to have and accept in my life without husband or Kendra.

Because with them I settled what I thought was love and friendship it wasn’t..

It was sick.. all of us were sick..

I’m getting better.. I really don’t care if husband ever does he’s his own person. It would be super cool if he did, but who knows focusing on him hasn’t done my life any favors so I’ll continue down my road..

Is it silly to not know what kind of road that is?

I want to bring glory to God but how?

Also I know I don’t want to give the gift of hate to Charles and Kendra anymore. They don’t deserve it and neither do I.

Living my life beautifully, gracefully (well as graceful as possible) isn’t the best revenge, the best thing is no revenge at all..

The best thing is not thinking about them at all. Charles and Kendra were hardships in my life, sick relationships that needed to die, like skinned knees, bad choices, and debt..

and hardships bring forth growth and strength. And the best of all for me knowing what love feels like again and finding love for me, who I am.. Seeing how much God loves me through my kids. I’m such a fuck-up yet I got to create these 4.

Feeling sorry for my kids won’t help them one bit, but growing becoming the woman I should have focused on more a LONG time ago way before I met husband.

I value myself

I love that “This is My Fight Song” song..

I got alot of life left in me.. I don’t care if no one else believes..

But I got many who believe in me..

Which makes me feel pretty good, special, and adored..

NH

 

 

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6 thoughts on “The other blog didn’t pan out the way I planned and well the fact I am too lazy to start a whole new one makes me worry..

  1. Love this post.. I can so relate. I’ve thought the same things.. If it wasn’t for my 3 kids, who are teens now, I would have been gone when I found out. Cheating was a deal breaker. He knew that, still does.

    But kids do complicate it. I’m not staying for them, but they are the reason I’m trying to figure out if I can salvage the mess my marriage is.

    In the mean time, I’m taking care of me and my kids. Husband is welcomed to come along for the ride, until I figure out where I’m going and how I’m getting there.

    ❤️

  2. And the pain does cause some emotional hardening, but conversely, softening when you realise more than ever that so many people need kindness as they are facing something in their lives – something that may not be obvious. I think r

    • You betcha.. I mean to be honest it may be sad and terrible but these 4 kept me going and helped me see many a days full of hope, dreams, and happiness.. I mean they are one of my biggest missions in life and I want to bring light where I can..
      And those 4 sure are amazing as they are.. no point in crushing their little worlds because Charles has terrible character.. However they are not being lied to at all. They know their Dad made me sad and he was a huge reason their Mom was hurting..
      He caused it, He decided to leave us in however he saw fit. He is the cause of so much strife in our family.. but we can overcome his stupidity and be a family..
      What that means for me.. I’m not quite sure yet.. Love my family.. am not on board with the whole marriage bit.. but when I put all of this nonsense behind me and work towards the group mentality rather than individual my family runs better…
      What sign does that show for me?? I’m not sure..

  3. It’s good to read your comments – welcome back! Blogs are wonderful but they do take time and patience (something else to be concerned with). I think that one day we will value our sad stories but maybe that is when we will stop writing. I am not a religious person so cannot relate to your faith or the support that you get from your community, but It sounds like this is a key factor for you moving forward.
    I didn’t have any children with H. He is my second husband and my daughter was with my first husband. But I have stayed. I like our life together and we are continuing to work through the mess that his adultery caused. Three years on and counting… I’m learning to accept a different relationship – a different me. But that’s OK. It’s my life and I’m muddling through the best I can. Like we all do.
    Your healing is what is important in all this. This will occur whether or not you stay with H. I suppose you are going to have to get a clear picthow you want your future to look. You sound a bit in limbo at the moment. But, hey, two years on and I was still in limbo. I’m more certain about my choice now.
    It is so difficult to wade through this treacle but the painting sounds fun and your children sound like a wonderful family. It’s still one day at a time eh.
    L

  4. Hey you! I’ve missed you!! 🙂 Out of most other betrayed spouse blogs I have connected with yours because I feel as tho we both got double shat on lol – not just by our AMAZING husbands but from our AWESOME friends. PUKE!!! Anyways… glad to hear from you and to see your are still kickin!!

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