I mean this is just a processing board but I don’t think there is anything to save of this relationship..
Now for all therapeutic purposes this is just a theory of mine. And we all know many perspectives about this whole living nightmare can change in an instant so for what it’s worth..
We are different and for the sake of all things, I’m working on not assuming or thinking I know anything about Charles that keeps me safe.
Is that a great way to go about my life possibly.. I’m not sure however what I do know is.
He’s not worth all this trouble to me.. Personally.. maybe to someone else but not to me.
The old me and this new me.. don’t worry I’m not all “D.I.D”
However the new me? I’m worth that.. all the trouble to get to her. The one where she isn’t going to back down ever, no give an inch, no thinking well he’s so much better than me so I should listen to him..
No, no, no none of that nonsense..
It’s probably silly that Charles has so much to do with the new me and so much to do with the old me as well..
But excluding him from all angles except that I know what I will and will not except in a relationship..
He’s an interesting experiment. Oh I know I sound terrible, but that’s the truth today for me anyway.
I mean what was I to him? Nothing much but a toy.. I put myself on the shelf and so did he.. Nothing else mattered except for what he wanted..
If that guy died the moment all hell broke loose on his stupid ass.. all for the better one less deranged person using others for their own amusement then to claim stupidity, selfishness, sadness as their motive..
Fuck off to those people.. seriously..
Anyways I find there is nothing to save from what NH and Charles used to be.
Gosh I still remember feeling sparkly holding him, I know I probably should not compare but even after 14 years I did feel sparkly that he was mine. Now.. I feel empty..
Not that he’s gone, but no sparkles when we kiss or hug.. Like an old friend that you bang, or hangout with on Christmas break..
The history is there but there isn’t much of a connection to the present..
I’m a changing person.. quite rapidly for survival I suppose, and also for the better… because I do not want to ever attract such icky people in my life, and fall prey to their nonsense ever again.
And you can say but NH there is no crystal ball.. and I say BS to that. Peoples actions speak louder than anything and if you hang out with someone enough.. talk to them enough.. you will see..
If you are watching for it..
As for Charles I don’t have the time to watch him. I have time for me and the kids.
Building my life on square one with a deeper foundation rooted in Christ than in the marriage that disintegrated quite rapidly..
He isn’t a part of me and I know that’s a choice I make. I don’t talk with him of my dreams, what is going on in my life.
Unless I want to and normally I don’t..
I look forward to sharing my dreams with my brother when he gets here. I look forward to sharing my dreams with my children.
I recently read a quote where it says “When something good happens in your life who do you want to share that news with? Keep those people”
Charles is not on the list.
I am though.
I watched a few good movies Netflix is amazing..
Stuck in Love
Before I Go Away
and I can’t remember the other one..
Anyways I’m rambling but there is not much left of the old NH where she was in love and felt happy to be married, working towards contentment in her life with the decisions her marriage chose..
16 months and I am learning to be happy with me, realizing I gave my heart to 2 foolish people and learn from just one of them, working towards contentment in my life and the decision I chose.
Staying or going is not on my mind anymore. There is nothing to be saved in this relationship.
But I am worth saving, my mind, body, and soul..
Not that Charles isn’t but he’s not my priority anymore. Never should have been the way I treated him.
So as I move on, to new thoughts, ideas, coping mechanisms, get out of debt, I want to grow..
I have a knack for that being put in crappy situations (most of the time I put myself there) and coming out anew..
Well there’s that..
Till next time