Counseling..

She went over  30minutes with me.

I think that’s a good sign.

We ended with her discussing how being married leads to a longer life, being healthier

And I said I think statistics show that when you have a cat as well.

She laughed! Oh how she laughed!

And said I was so funny.

I feel like I’m getting somewhere. I’m a fixer, I like to fix things, and I’m self-absorbed so I like to focus on me and fix me.

I like being told I’m funny..

Because honestly I don’t think I am I just laugh at the silliest of things we humans do.

And no I still do not think cheating or lying is funny, but there are parts about it that are and Charles and I do joke about that.

Haven’t in awhile. I’m so serious lately with him. He can’t say much without pissing me off, because he’s not funny. But I find my life would be less stressful dealing with him maybe if I lightened up.

He embellishes a story and I’m like that’s a lie.

He makes a comment about me that isn’t true and I will go into defense mode quick.

He said he probably shouldn’t say anything which seems wise and unwise because you wants to be married or carry on life with a mute companion?

I sure as hell don’t.

I finished reading The Husband’s Secret by Moriarty.. it was good.

Not the best book but fiction did me good.

A good balance to all the non-fiction I do.

I know I go through books pretty quickly.

But the book made me see how I miss loving someone passionately.

Sure I wanted to divorce or leave Charles numerous times in our life, but I didn’t. I was madly in love with that boy.

I am not madly in love now. I doubt I’ll ever be.

And maybe I didn’t marry so foolishly after all, because we all make mistakes (not saying cheating is a mistake, I’m saying marrying him is, was not sure about the context yet) and come off better for them.

I will not fall for a sad, incompetent of a human being anymore. I will not fall for a man with no confidence in himself and who lacks character.

And you would be correct if I still think he is of ill character.

And Charles might be right I still keep him there, but I don’t as well.

Because after all of this, this 2 years of living with a husband I don’t passionately, fiercely love?

I wonder I made a mistake marrying him of course so why do I carry that?

Okay I made a mistake, he’s a douche bag clearly..

No wonder marriage sucked so bad being married to him.. he’s proved my point about himself.

Yes, yes, I know I’m not a martyr in any sense I could have left and I wanted to plenty of times.. but those with kiddos know.. it gets complicated..

Funny how Charles will speak of his affair as complicated, as he was selfish, how he loved her, then loved me, but never felt he stopped loving me..

Yet after affair is quite simple.. I will not be a douche bag and all will be well. She should either want to stay or go. Commit or not commit.. darn it woman do something..

And I do not do this to get back at him, not at all.. but it’s complicated.

Facts

I do love Charles

I love my family

I am pursuing healing

Not-Truths

Charles is a douche-bag

-to claim him all one thing is nonsense.. it’s just me venting.. but really he’s a human with all sorts of complications, and qualities

I will divorce Charles..

-I don’t know the future.. I know it’s what I want lately, but I’ve wanted to divorce him numerous times during our own marital affair. The affair that took me to another land instead of being in my own realm, appreciating me, finding me..

I will not love him like I used to and I find there will never be passion for him, that fire, the desire to crave him like I used to.. to feel lucky he’s mine..

-Once again don’t know the future I know what I don’t feel today. I know I’m changing and have changed. Contemplating what I used to feel for him and comparing how I feel now just makes me extremely unhappy and keeps me in the past. Because really I feel passionately and on fire about numerous other things, just not him. So the fire isn’t dead in me, the question is for me is whether I want to pursue him and find fire between us? I do not, not right now anyway.. but I do pose another question to myself.. Is it true you can fall in love with anyone given the right formula? I’ve seen it on Pinterest and by experience seems to be true. People fall in and out of love, lust, whatever their delusions are. I am a prime example.

But seems the draw to another. Does Charles draw me, or strike me in a way that no other could? I get to choose who I love and fall madly in love with.. I thought for me it was a game of chance I either loved the man I was with, but the fantasy of the “One” seems just it a fantasy for me.

Is Charles willing to change to be my one? Do I want that? Even if he is willing?

I found Reconcile4life’s blog by TL fascinating today because it brought out with her short snippet of their life together so much of what goes on in almost every interaction with Charles.

You can read that here

He says something I don’t believe him, not just because he lied and betrayed me but, because what does he know of beauty,  of love, of how amazing I am, or even how to treat humans? I depreciate what Charles tells me because to me he doesn’t understand, until he proves me wrong.

He usually does lately. But is this Charles’s fault and a part of me says

“Yes, Dummy of course it is if the asshat hadn’t cheated then you would think he understood what it meant to call someone beautiful especially his wife!!”

And another part of me wonders why do you have to go that deep? Can he just tell me I’m beautiful and think “Thank You” rather than “Don’t bullshit me asshat!”

Because it remains all along that I want to know others intentions of me always have. I want to know who I’m dealing with here and don’t call me beautiful if you don’t mean it!

Which isn’t Charles problem that’s my own stuff.

Because I don’t get to control others actions, words or thoughts, gosh wouldn’t that be a great Christmas present though!!

I know who I am, I don’t need to know who Charles is right now anyway.

Taking Charles for face value. What he says go with it. The counselor wanted me to try this.

I’ve failed miserably on day 3 already.

I try to avoid him so I don’t have to do that and plus he says some stupid things to me.. still.. it’s so sad.. I feel for him he just doesn’t think through his thoughts about me yet..

He’s like our teenage boy. Drives me bananas..

I drive myself bananas too. Which is what me and the counselor are working on as well. I don’t want to do that anymore.. I carry more baggage than I ever thought going through this process and I want to feel the weight off my shoulders.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Counseling..

  1. To offer my completely unsolicited, yet hopefully helpful commentary –

    “And no I still do not think cheating or lying is funny, but there are parts about it that are and Charles and I do joke about that.”

    That is an excellent EXCELLENT sign I think. My husband and I have had some of the meanest, most awful fights … and yet we joke about them afterward. Even the specific awful things that were said and done – I see it as a sign that although those fights are a part of our history together, they have no power over us.

    “He embellishes a story and I’m like that’s a lie.”

    You are sensitive to self-serving untruths from him because to you it’s a signal that he hasn’t really changed. That there is still a risk of him tapping that personality trait to hurt you again – not necessarily by cheating again, although that’s probably where your mind goes.

    “He said he probably shouldn’t say anything …”

    Bad sign. Very VERY bad sign. He gets his feelings hurt and shuts down and withdraws. Of course it’s perfectly natural to recoil when you get bitten, but the reality of building a marriage with two imperfect people is such that you have to learn when to not recoil.

    “Funny how Charles will speak of his affair as complicated …”

    That’s nice. Might be true, but not helpful. Him talking about how his affair was complicated keeps him (and, by extension, you) trapped in the past. Whatever the “reasons,” it’s done. It’s time he turned his focus on you and your complicated feelings and your shared complicated healing process.

    “Taking Charles for face value. What he says go with it. The counselor wanted me to try this.

    I’ve failed miserably on day 3 already.”

    Yes and no. On the one hand, you describe very well that you have a hard time taking people in general at face value, and you’re wise to see how it manifests here in your marriage. This is part of what you will need to do to help rebuild trust, and it is very uncomfortable.

    On the other hand, you’ve detailed earlier in the post how at times it’s impossible to take Charles at face value because the things he says are clearly not believable. To warp your mind to “just go with” what he says under those conditions simply preconditions you for abuse in the future and you shouldn’t force yourself to just accept it.

    Quick question – who does Charles have around to help support him? Does he have friends / people at church to help encourage him to do uncomfortable things to invest in your marriage? It might help him throw himself into this 100%, which ultimately will help you (individually) and you both (together).

    Good luck!

  2. ❤ I'm RIGHT there with you, NH. Take what he says at face value? Uhhh – you DID do that. Look at where it landed you.

    I keep looking for him to meet me where *I* don't already know he's needed. Because I WOULD tell him and he wouldn't because he didn't care enough. When he'd just cheated, he'd meet me where he'd failed to before.

    We know, as faithful wives who LOVED our husbands, where to meet them. In what ways. And why. Because we empathize – empathize in that we imagine being in their role and what we'd need and appreciate most in that position – and not just think, as they did/have, "What will I be bitched at about if she tells me x and I don't do y or z? What IS y and z? I should ask my whore-friend."

    I'm waiting for him to know that. That he doesn't know, out of empathy for me, is what kills me still. He doesn't think of solving the problem that harms me… just how to get glory for trying to ease the symptoms.

    That's not love. I'm infuriated by it. It comes easily to us even when we're NOT head-over-heels but just love them simply. But they can destroy us and not know what to do?

    Or is this just not fixable?

    (Sorry to mentally-vomit, here. Delete it if you'd like. I'm just so frustrated.)

    • I guess I’m really afraid that he just doesn’t love me… but I love him and am willing to try as long as he pretends to love me, even if he doesn’t know he does NOT – and I’m just putting off the inevitable.

      I tell myself things like, “He did all that, he unknowingly does hurtful things still, because he doesn’t ACTUALLY love you. He thinks he does… but doesn’t. Only you can end this misery for yourself. It’s not miserable for him in anything but the most topical ways… because he doesn’t love you, to empathize with how very, VERY torturous this is. He knows that he owes you respect-ish things. Loving-ish things. Definitely financial support. But he does.not.love.you, M. He doesn’t love anyone. He doesn’t know what love is. Are you really willing to live without love until he dies?”

      • I don’t know if I”m willing to live without love until he dies.. and you know I’ve wished/prayed he dies but I don’t know. And if he doesn’t love me and is just playing some sick game? Wow.. I have thought about that before just not recently.. but I talked to the counselor about that.. How I may not even know what love is and how he doesn’t either.
        I know I’m not in love with him. Him? Well he thinks he is..
        And I say to the counselor he knows nothing about love.
        And she said just because you know nothing about love doesn’t mean you can’t love..
        Or don’t know the feeling of love
        It was an interesting thought for sure.. But no I don’t want to live without love until he dies… but I do have alot of love from my family, church family and friends.. His love doesn’t mean much to me anymore. But the love I have found for myself throughout this whole experience I cannot discount that. Charles helps me see what I never want in a partner again and what I do right now..
        It’s fascinating and sad at times too..
        How are you IOH?

  3. And yet – I STILL love him enough to think (in response), “Maybe…? Maybe I’ll survive not being loved, truly? Maybe [I shame-fully think], he’ll die young? That would be clear enough, I guess?”

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