She went over 30minutes with me.
I think that’s a good sign.
We ended with her discussing how being married leads to a longer life, being healthier
And I said I think statistics show that when you have a cat as well.
She laughed! Oh how she laughed!
And said I was so funny.
I feel like I’m getting somewhere. I’m a fixer, I like to fix things, and I’m self-absorbed so I like to focus on me and fix me.
I like being told I’m funny..
Because honestly I don’t think I am I just laugh at the silliest of things we humans do.
And no I still do not think cheating or lying is funny, but there are parts about it that are and Charles and I do joke about that.
Haven’t in awhile. I’m so serious lately with him. He can’t say much without pissing me off, because he’s not funny. But I find my life would be less stressful dealing with him maybe if I lightened up.
He embellishes a story and I’m like that’s a lie.
He makes a comment about me that isn’t true and I will go into defense mode quick.
He said he probably shouldn’t say anything which seems wise and unwise because you wants to be married or carry on life with a mute companion?
I sure as hell don’t.
I finished reading The Husband’s Secret by Moriarty.. it was good.
Not the best book but fiction did me good.
A good balance to all the non-fiction I do.
I know I go through books pretty quickly.
But the book made me see how I miss loving someone passionately.
Sure I wanted to divorce or leave Charles numerous times in our life, but I didn’t. I was madly in love with that boy.
I am not madly in love now. I doubt I’ll ever be.
And maybe I didn’t marry so foolishly after all, because we all make mistakes (not saying cheating is a mistake, I’m saying marrying him is, was not sure about the context yet) and come off better for them.
I will not fall for a sad, incompetent of a human being anymore. I will not fall for a man with no confidence in himself and who lacks character.
And you would be correct if I still think he is of ill character.
And Charles might be right I still keep him there, but I don’t as well.
Because after all of this, this 2 years of living with a husband I don’t passionately, fiercely love?
I wonder I made a mistake marrying him of course so why do I carry that?
Okay I made a mistake, he’s a douche bag clearly..
No wonder marriage sucked so bad being married to him.. he’s proved my point about himself.
Yes, yes, I know I’m not a martyr in any sense I could have left and I wanted to plenty of times.. but those with kiddos know.. it gets complicated..
Funny how Charles will speak of his affair as complicated, as he was selfish, how he loved her, then loved me, but never felt he stopped loving me..
Yet after affair is quite simple.. I will not be a douche bag and all will be well. She should either want to stay or go. Commit or not commit.. darn it woman do something..
And I do not do this to get back at him, not at all.. but it’s complicated.
I do love Charles
I love my family
I am pursuing healing
Charles is a douche-bag
-to claim him all one thing is nonsense.. it’s just me venting.. but really he’s a human with all sorts of complications, and qualities
I will divorce Charles..
-I don’t know the future.. I know it’s what I want lately, but I’ve wanted to divorce him numerous times during our own marital affair. The affair that took me to another land instead of being in my own realm, appreciating me, finding me..
I will not love him like I used to and I find there will never be passion for him, that fire, the desire to crave him like I used to.. to feel lucky he’s mine..
-Once again don’t know the future I know what I don’t feel today. I know I’m changing and have changed. Contemplating what I used to feel for him and comparing how I feel now just makes me extremely unhappy and keeps me in the past. Because really I feel passionately and on fire about numerous other things, just not him. So the fire isn’t dead in me, the question is for me is whether I want to pursue him and find fire between us? I do not, not right now anyway.. but I do pose another question to myself.. Is it true you can fall in love with anyone given the right formula? I’ve seen it on Pinterest and by experience seems to be true. People fall in and out of love, lust, whatever their delusions are. I am a prime example.
But seems the draw to another. Does Charles draw me, or strike me in a way that no other could? I get to choose who I love and fall madly in love with.. I thought for me it was a game of chance I either loved the man I was with, but the fantasy of the “One” seems just it a fantasy for me.
Is Charles willing to change to be my one? Do I want that? Even if he is willing?
I found Reconcile4life’s blog by TL fascinating today because it brought out with her short snippet of their life together so much of what goes on in almost every interaction with Charles.
You can read that here
He says something I don’t believe him, not just because he lied and betrayed me but, because what does he know of beauty, of love, of how amazing I am, or even how to treat humans? I depreciate what Charles tells me because to me he doesn’t understand, until he proves me wrong.
He usually does lately. But is this Charles’s fault and a part of me says
“Yes, Dummy of course it is if the asshat hadn’t cheated then you would think he understood what it meant to call someone beautiful especially his wife!!”
And another part of me wonders why do you have to go that deep? Can he just tell me I’m beautiful and think “Thank You” rather than “Don’t bullshit me asshat!”
Because it remains all along that I want to know others intentions of me always have. I want to know who I’m dealing with here and don’t call me beautiful if you don’t mean it!
Which isn’t Charles problem that’s my own stuff.
Because I don’t get to control others actions, words or thoughts, gosh wouldn’t that be a great Christmas present though!!
I know who I am, I don’t need to know who Charles is right now anyway.
Taking Charles for face value. What he says go with it. The counselor wanted me to try this.
I’ve failed miserably on day 3 already.
I try to avoid him so I don’t have to do that and plus he says some stupid things to me.. still.. it’s so sad.. I feel for him he just doesn’t think through his thoughts about me yet..
He’s like our teenage boy. Drives me bananas..
I drive myself bananas too. Which is what me and the counselor are working on as well. I don’t want to do that anymore.. I carry more baggage than I ever thought going through this process and I want to feel the weight off my shoulders.