Sometimes I stare at him..

I look at him..

He thinks it’s strange but I look at him, and I don’t see a man I care about today

I look at him and I just see a guy.

A guy who will do things for this family.

I don’t see a husband.

Maybe because I don’t want him.

Me.. Me.. Me.. I.. I.. I..

I’ve been thinking if a robber came in here and wanted to do harm to my family..

Well that’s going to be a bad night for that robber..

All I have to say..

But is that the same for this situation?

Am I fighting for my family?

Or I wonder will my life be better once Squish goes to school and I can get a job here.

And divorce him then..

So the children don’t have to suffer as much hell, being super poor

I know superficial.

It’s odd looking at him with such nothingness. In acceptance comes the numbness of reality of transition.

Sometimes I want to know what transition looks like for me. What is it looking like?!!

Am I really healing?? Heaven help me if I become one of those false prophets who claim I’ve moved on, but I’m just lying to myself. That Jesus helped me to move on, when I really haven’t..

I would hate to have gone through this and end up like them..

Ugh to be like him and her.. not just to have an affair but to be so far up one’s butt to not give a damn about reality.

Anyways…

I’m sure it’s sick, but I imagine him sometimes the husband I loved, the man I believed in..

I imagine him in bed with me.. and I look into his eyes and say I miss you.. I’m sorry your gone.. I miss you so much I wish you were here.. and then I pretend to hold his hand.. close my eyes and cry a little bit and move on about my day..

I know.. don’t worry it’s something I will talk to my therapist about 🙂

He hasn’t told me he loves me in awhile.. I know why should he? I’m a forward gal.. People can feel when I’m happy or sad.. or give two fucks if you’re around or not..

Ahh.. love this has been on my mind..

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Here’s to tomorrow..

NH

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Sometimes I stare at him..

  1. The last time I saw Loser, I looked at him and said “I can’t imagine that you and I were ever together.” He responded with his curt “yeah…well that’s where you and I are different.” It made me sick to look at him. Every time he opened his mouth, it was like a faucet on full blast….hemorrhaging lie after lie.

  2. *hugs*

    That’s too upsetting to ‘like’..

    I can’t imagine how you feel, but I can understand your logic. 🙂

    Just wondering, what does he get (for want of a better word) from staying in your marriage? I don’t know your story, so please excuse me if I’m asking something you’ve already written about..

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