Is it really me you want?

When he touches me.

I know he wants sex..

Hell I want sex..

Sex is so fun….

I always knew he had a thing for blondes, skinny, women who appreciated his music (I hate his stupid metal music, or the rock genre insert vomit face)

And so he found her, or she found him..

After almost 10 years of marriage thrown away for one game of footsie on a New Year’s Eve party by a most treacherous, sad woman..

I mean to do what she did to her family and kids.. bleh 😦

Anyways but I wonder when I forget about these thoughts when they go away and we are just touching each other or banging..

Does that mean I’m healed? Does it mean that I’m okay with this relationship? Does it mean I want my marriage to work..

Or am I just in comfort land.. he’s familiar, sex familiar, family familiar and

And he’s proven I’m not the only woman he wants (not that there is anything wrong with me.. ok.. ok.. yes there is a TON wrong with me but in the sense of commitment in marriage and monogamy I should be the only woman he wants touching him, or he to be with)

He can fool himself into believing all sorts of things.

Yes, even after 2 years of being apparently what he calls faithful.

I think to myself does he want a cookie? an award of some sort?

And my brother says well how else can he quantify to show that he’s changed?

I love having my brother here..

He told me that I married Charles for better or worse and that we should stay married no matter what.

Because this is the worst part..

but why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t want me? Who fools themselves into believing all sorts of delusions and denies reality..

Ok.. Ok.. he did deny reality.

My brother says I’m not going to therapy enough..

Maybe he’s right..

And that I might need medication..

During the holiday season and almost everyday I MISS being in love.. I miss the GLITTA!!!

This all seems second best with Charles that there is a love for me somewhere away from him..

There is a life far disassociated from Charles that I want to forge on my own without him..

My brother says time.. just take your time however 2 years seems like so much..

Little brother 🙂

When Charles touches me I feel so strongly that I am not who he wants, I am convenient, I am not the One for him..

Am I projecting?

Maybe..

Ahh.. time..

NH

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