Perfectionism.. really? hmm…

So maybe I don’t feel like I ever want to wear a ring being married to Charles…

But what if I did what would that mean?

That I’m okay being married to a reformed cheater?

Yes, I know that’s not all who he is.. but to me it’s a huge part!

You know like when I was younger the qualities in a man that I wanted..

They may seem really shallow now but I was what 20 🙂

Hot.. omgoodness adored what I thought was attractive.. changed on a daily basis since I was surrounded by men in the military.. but loved the hotties!

Hot and had a job.. no musicians.. he hid that, but I never told him the rule until after we were married like 5 yrs and it was funny..

no prior kids or marriages..

So anyways..

I get to choose now.. in some ways right?

Charles is still hot.

He has a job, a nice one.

He’s a past-cheater.. (insert vomit face)

Good Dad takes care of kids.

Is his cheating such a bad thing? Am I wanting perfection?

Is not being a reformed liar, and a washed up cheat does that mean I require perfection?

Maybe I do..

I don’t want a reformed liar for a husband/companion/man I adore..

I have a heart of ice I swear! But I do not..

But delving more so I don’t want that, but I have it.. so I either deal with it the best I know how, or not deal with it..

or is that me accepting that I have a reformed liar/ has been cheater..

I suppose I worry if I accept him as he is. If I rationalize and make his status which is the truth I find myself in a state of anger “Because I do not accept that my husband is those things and I will never know when those things will come again!”

Does acceptance led to believing that he is for me? That this man I married knows what loyalty is now? Knows how to respect the commitments he agreed upon and has bravery to come to me whenever he wants another woman, or wants something else besides what he agreed to me upon?

That he recognizes his gifts and talents in lying and deception are no longer a welcome part of his personality and have no place near me ever?

Acceptance..

I accept I was cheated, lied to, and wronged.

I accept that I am not at fault, nor our relationship at fault for his internal problems with honesty and honoring his commitment to me and our relationship.

I accept the challenge of me not being a bitch to him.

I accept the challenge to change.. that is the toughest for me and to look forward to so many possibilities for me.

I’m starting to feel 20 again and with the reality of me being 36 I am both happy and sad about that..

Till Next Time..

❤

NH

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Perfectionism.. really? hmm…

  1. Do they need to be perfect? Well, just about. If by perfect, it means that they are as devoted to their wives/children/marriage as they should have been all along. That they DO what they SAY they’re going to do. That they never waver because they mean it THAT much. Never, ever waver.

    Unless they want to fold… and if that’s the case, to do it before they betray us in an entirely new cycle, again.

    There’s going to be a part, too, of us knowing that this isn’t likely possible. They can’t keep that up – it’s not who they are – and we’re just biding our time until we’re ready and able to make the choice they’re still too cowardly to admit to themselves, without hurting ourselves/children/home.

    And if they do keep it up? That’s payment for destroying us. That gets them just shy of level. But they’ll never get our trust back… and it’s the trust – the respect – that allows us to show real appreciation for THEM. They killed it.

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