Remembering and finding me..

With Charles seems like a blessing and a curse..

I don’t like being both things.. but the silly black and white girl thinks that’s the way or used to think that way anyway..

Either I loved you or hated you.. no in-between and if there was in-between it was just bullshit.. there is no authenticity in-between..

Ahh.. I used to be so cut and clear about things..

Liars and stealers belong on a total other island except the fact we all lie to some degree I guess.. I do my best to not lie, but I’ll call a spade a spade and lie to my kids and then forget about it..

Like when I said “Sure I will mail your letter out today”.. and never do

**Disclaimer** Is it the same as Charles and Kendra lying to me.. Hell no..

I spent almost $30 sending letters and drawings out yesterday..

To fulfill my word to my kiddos..

Anyways back to remembering..

I remember being so happy to wake up next to Charles.. I remember thinking I had a love, I found a love, I worked fucking hard for a love.. to have it all just get blown away like the dust on a picture frame in my house.. years to accumulate.. minutes to get rid of..

I wonder what example I am setting for my children.. I wonder how being with their father without any GLITTA!! must look like from the outside..

I know they see him serving me more, doing what I ask more, asking me what I want more.

When I want things, I swear it’s like I don’t even believe it is happening what I want is talked about, made to happen, or in the works of it happening.. Charles makes it happen

And I’m like wow.. I don’t need to work so fucking hard.. ease my shoulder’s a bit.. hell ALOT..

The times I have no idea when dinner or what is happening for dinner, there are no remarks, no whiny behavior.. it’s just okay NH I’ll make something, do you need me to do anything? Is there anything I can get you? How can I help..

And usually it’s the simplest things he can help me with and dinner is made.. we are all eating and meals aren’t such a struggle..

Neither is budgeting..

Remembering the good and bad my marriage at the same time and processing that blows my brain away..

Yup on somethings I take much more time to figure out..

As for thinking about eating a whole package of Oreos.. nope that takes no effort at all.

I’m a mess.. I suppose.. but I’m enjoying my mess..

I still miss being in love.. my heart still hurts at times and I never know when it will come.. whether it be a picture in a picture frame that I had on my dresser of him and he doesn’t even remember where that was in our house.. but it meant something to me a LONG time ago..

It means nothing now.. in fact as my heart hurt looking at that frame I think it’s going to be donated and the picture not around me.. It’s just a picture of Charles..

But the more I get rid of things that do not bring me joy the more room I have to find out what brings me joy.. or even think about what is causing me to be happy right now.. not tomorrow but right now..

Sometimes it’s frustrating that I don’t know what exactly brings me joy anymore. Like little things for myself.. Do I like to dance? I don’t know, I mean I don’t think so.. but how do I know for sure?  May have to try and see.

I know my newest dessert phase is Creme Brulee they serve it and I want to make it.. but good grief it’s like an all day process!! I suppose it’s best I don’t make it because I would eat all 6 or 12 that I would make.. I would.. and be happy and plumpier with all my empty ramekins surrounding me..

Stretching makes me feel good too. I like to stretch and I want to do more of it.. I also just like to talk about how I should stretch more but just cuddly on my couch with a blanket..

I think I could use some Kelly motivation because that woman does all sorts of farm labor and work but me?? Well I’m all like I want to stretch, but just talk about it and hey since I’m not eating breads and pasts more room for creme brulee right?? 🙂

Because my body does not like bread/gluten/ I don’t even know but when I eat sandwiches, pizza, toast, pasta.. my body just reacts strange..

So there’s my life for today..

Today we worked on our house.. I hung pictures, did laundry, drank water.. and thought about how I’m going to lose 100lbs..

I’ve always wanted to.. not even a resolution.. just a goal.. I may never get there.. but it’s interesting to see if I could..

Like I said in my last post.. I’m starting to feel like I’m 20 again where the world is open to so many possibilities for me..

Okay now off to search for online colleges that teach Samoan doing it own is clearly not working..





4 thoughts on “Remembering and finding me..

  1. So many echoes to where Erin and I are. She loves me until she hates me until she loves me again. I just ride the wave and do everything I can to show her I love her and I am sorry.

    I wish you well.

    • Yeah seems that’s what Charles does when I read your story I find grace for you.. I cheer for your marriage and want it to be those deemed successful..
      I find it so odd I do not do that for my own.
      Or see any of that for the man who stabbed me in the back and I’m sure of the many numerous answers to why I could feel that way.. But have yet to pinpoint any
      Here’s to the New Year hopeful husband 😊
      And to Erin❤️

  2. I love your comment about loving to talk about stretching. Not only do I not want to do anything, I don’t even want to talk about doing anything. LOL
    Hope your new year will be great and full of good things.

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