3rd day feeling pretty fancy..
Seriously I feel good.. drinking water just finding peace for me..
looking for tensed shoulders and saying to myself.. breathe..
I never thought I would have to be in the situation I’m in.
Being with a washed up cheater/reformed liar
Because I loved the jerk he was.. thought he wanted to be better..
thought he had the same values
He didn’t and well he says he’s changed.
But one things for certain I have changed seeing him so flawed and wondering why did I think he wanted to be better than being the loser shmuck he was??
What made me believe in him? What made me believe that we had something special no doubt the GLITTA!
But what made that? Years of working towards a marriage that exploded in my face.. but dust is dust.. still hurts but doesn’t change that it’s dust.
He was an asshole to me. He never believed in me, and he always wanted me to be someone I was not.
But I felt comfort there. Never feeling good enough with my Mother and Father.. it’s strange seeing myself that way.. but truth sucks.. I married a mesh of my parents.. insert vomit face..
But I liked it there. I didn’t know any better.. now I know and does it make it better.. does it make this relationship between me and Charles better.. and the damned GLITTA!! that I remember?? the sparkles the kiss his face off type of passion gone..
Can that be found again? Seems that it will never be not because I’m unable to feel.. but more that I’m so changed.. And I want to feel that way about a lover.. I do.. but I wonder if that’s possible.. and if so what will GLITTA feel like again? I have dreamed of having a faithful spouse the one where it’s me and him together fighting the good fight..
Not him being this.. ugh..
I really don’t care what the reason is be it sickness, unhappiness or whatever.
I do get that Jesus can resurrect and God can breathe life into this marriage… but so far we are still maintaining a STRANGE relationship and I’m not going against what I feel towards him.
I’ve been told it’s up to me, that if I extended grace, forgiveness, and moved on to the next chapter embracing the future with Charles that well..
“I would find our relationship stronger, deeper, and fulfilling”
That’s my take on the books I have read and some well meaning people.
But I disagree so far.
I find myself in a house with a man who is familiar and who provides well. We have a fun family.. we do family well.. he wants us together.. and well I, I just want to be healthy.
I don’t ever want to fall for a man who belittles me or makes me feel less than, but more importantly I want that for myself to be aware that in all of my psycho-ness that is where I struggle. To not be comfortable in my own filth.. anger, hate, rage, worthlessness all gifts from this world that I do not have the time to open and hold any longer.
You know before we had Squish and we thought we were done having kids I joked about being in the hospital that I would no longer ever get those two days being catered too. Where someone constantly asked if I needed water and my meals were brought to me. That having a baby was worth those 2 days in the ward. I loved those nurses and staff..
Is that not a sign of a truly sad married woman? Who is not taken care of at home?
Meals are made for me now.. He’s not that great of a cook so I make them.. but he’s cooking now even used the slow cooker.
I am asked if I need anything daily, sometimes even more than that.
And I am reminiscent of when I was dating and a guy who adored me, but I didn’t feel the same way
I still feel that way with Charles..
But specifically on my own.. I have A LONG way to go before I feel relationship ready anyway with anyone especially Charles.
He says he accepts me now, as I am… well I’m just getting to the point in my life of accepting me and learning about my sick habits that led me to being with him.. so what he accepts to me is pretty irrelevant.
Cute, sweet, but irrelevant..
Not having to wallow in the feeling of not being good enough for me. I just always felt that I should be more than what I am. And I led my life like that. It was me against me..
Now feeling that I don’t have to fight, go through numerous business ventures, don’t have to be more than I already am, not pray more, be more, do more..
whether it be in all aspects of my life, mother, woman, Christ-follower, sister.
And that load off my shoulders is strangely freeing and burdening at the same time..
Because if what I thought was GLITTA!! passionate, glorious, joyous and knowing how sad and sick our relationship was..
Can I trust what my GLITTA will look like now?
And the exploration of GLITTA!! the sparkles.. for me will it look completely different than before? So should I ever compare GLITTA to anything else?
Or is GLITTA gone because I was delusional.. what we had was just a sham and so was that feeling so the GLITTA should not be of relevance anymore?
All great questions to ask the therapist I suppose..
Till Next Time..