The crazy

Ever have days where for no reason at all you will think of something awful in your life and you didn’t even mean to think of it?

Lately things have been popping up lately..

Like Kendra, or Charles affair, or the two losers bumping bodies in your car?

He came home and we didn’t sleep together I told him I was struggling and he was silent.

I went to sleep.

I didn’t need him to hold me, I didn’t want him to hold me. I was tired Squish has a fever and has been pretty needy along with my other little needy people.

I find it difficult when a crappy memory or thought comes into play because I’ll just maneuver it and say I don’t think about it.. but it comes back..

Every case is different every thought should I talk it out, so I just let it go?

Ugh..

I suppose whatever does not get me closer to God.. I need to drop it.

Ha! Going to try that when I think of Kendra, or Charles and his stupidness..

and ask myself is this bringing me any closer to peace or joy..

Let it go..

Just like the junk in my home…

Going, going, gone..

I’m not sure if I wrote this here but my brother told me you got 10yrs of having the love of your life some people never even get that!

I’m been editing all my Facebook posts in regards to him, so I don’t have to see those posts where I adored him and waited to get to spend time with him.

That makes me sad.. but okay..

While I no longer dream of spending time away with Charles. Being with him doesn’t make me feel like I’m the luckiest girl on earth..

What I do have is a family. Kids who are strong, intelligent, bright..

I’m not bitter.. I hope my children do not befriend or marry snakes like I had in my life..

But as many as there are out there.. it seems pretty inevitable.. but I’m glad I only hope I suppose that I live long enough to help them through it.

To be there for them.

In my faith we live in a fallen-sinful world and Charles cheating me, leaving me without saying good-bye I know now it’s such a small portion of my life.

Charles and I.

Gosh I loved that man.

Now I can do with or without him here.

I love him, but it’s so different than what I used to feel about him. He’s like a decent friend with benefits.

I like his body, the way he feels when he holds me.

But I think now it doesn’t have to be him it could be anybody.

But for now it is him.

I like that he knows that every bit of it.

I also feel sad for him.

He lost a great love and there is nothing he can do to get it back.

Can’t take back cheating, there is no fixing that in my eyes.

But in a way I’m glad for him

He learned some pretty tough lessons about marriage, love, and who he married too through this.

The therapist thinks he carries a bunch of guilt.

I’m a cold-hearted bitch because I don’t care. I don’t care what he carries anymore.

As long as his attitude or lifestyle fits in alignment with what we are doing here raising our kids, fixing our finances, and pursuing Christ. I don’t care about his burdens, what he does at work, how he feels.

I used to be interested I am not anymore and I’m okay with that.

Marriage sucked alot of life out of me, because it was incredibly hard work to stay married to such a jerk-face. Yes, he no doubt provided for me and I was grateful. But we chose that together.

I once had a promising career.

Now I have kids full of promise.

I don’t regret that anymore, the choices I made with Charles back when I loved him.

I suppose I’m starting to be happy with me too, in the sense of not regretting what I’m doing or choosing, because God’s with me and I know I’m loved that God can turn whatever crappy situation around and give me guidance on how to turn it around.

Like my pal Rizzo, this is not a problem I can make this work.

Squish seems to be feeling better..

and got like 300x the energy as if Charles and I were not up with her all night..

Ahh.. to be young again..

Off to play princesses and thaw out 40lbs of frozen chicken šŸ™‚

 

 

 

 

 

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