There is distance between us.
Not the tension distance.
Not one of discontent I suppose.
But one that he and I are maintaining.
The therapist in KS told me about a year ago..
“You know NH something will happen it will get better or worse”
And yeah seems kind of dumb to say of course something will happen thanks therapist..
But really my life is getting better, at least I think..
Funny how when the very firm seat I planted my sweet plump bottom on got ripped out from under me, and somehow I thought I could make it.
I say that because a part of me did make it, another part died.
Had too. The part where I thought my husband wants the best for me and he’s on my side??
Oh yeah that part died. Sometimes he wants to say something cross and I have to tell him, you kindly and with as much truth in love that a person can. That I will not put up with that.
I will no longer be judged according to his standards.
I will not tolerate disrespect on any level from him.
I will not.
Is that terrible? I don’t think so..
But the distance causes me to think. Think about what I’m doing in my life and how to fucking relax.
One might gather maybe I was so uptight that my husband decided to find a lying snake to bed.
But there isn’t any excuse for an affair.
Saw the sweetest Meme it made me laugh..
“You can’t steal someone’s girlfriend, you can only steal someone’s whore”
It’s no fun being married to a wanna-be slut.
I get it slut tendency got squashed when he got caught.. but ugh really.. who wants to sign up for this??
And maybe that makes me a jerk, maybe that makes me the girl who can’t forgive and let go because it’s in the past and really you guys I’m okay with that
Because the distance, that strange lady who always wanted her husband around when he knew he was faithful and honored their marriage..
She’s changed. Not because she wanted to but because I had too.
I no longer make his breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don’t pack him for trips, I really even don’t say I love you.
Because it feels fake.
And of course on some level I love him.
But the lust girl? The one who thought she married for love but was really in lust with this hot guy? The one who thought she can get a divorce whenever she wanted with no kids?
That chic is gone and I am unsure of what a healthy relationship looks like.
He gets upset talking about our past because I was stupid to marry him. I thought I was making a sound decision. I was NOT, but I was young and stupid..
Now I’m not young.. still stupid.. on all sorts of things.. but I’m learning to enjoy me.
Me without him.
He doesn’t get included in anything that I think about automatically like he used to
Is it protection I’m not sure.. I just don’t want to.
Like I don’t want to get up and make him breakfast
or spend time with him.
I have no desire too.
But then I have no desire to do many things that are good for me so I’m not sure that’s a okay or not
So I’m not sure where this is leading..
But I do know one thing
This distance is not a bad thing. I am more eager to explore my options in how to relax, engage myself, learn new things, and find my intensity.
manage my time..
speaking of which..
I’m trying to schedule date a coffee date with God everyday.
To pray, worship, and just speak my mind.. and stretch..
I’m running late like usual..
Ha.. I’m so silly..
Till Next Time