She mentioned that she’d like to rule out bi-polar.
And as I’m thinking about breathing and not being so dam stressed..
I get scared..
What does that mean for me and meds.. my brother said taking some meds might be a good thing and I worry..
What will the meds do to me..
And what if I am? Sure would explain ALOT of my life. How high I get and how low.
I thought it was all the Oreos or Peanut Butter M&M’s..
Which I haven’t ate boxes or packages of..
I checked out a book and a movie about bi-polar.
Is it weird that I’m researching it like the flu?
Ugh.. so on Monday I will call and find out prices and what my insurance with cover to see the psychiatrist here in town. Probably Tuesday because of MLK day.
I bought two bottles of wine. I drank 1/2 of one. I have to teach Sunday school tomorrow or I would just skip out on church and hide in my bed.
I really want to have sex.. I laid on Charles’s lap for awhile because I just wanted to feel someone else’s body close to mine.
I doubt I’ll be filing for divorce anytime soon.. but I don’t see him
I don’t think about him, how he feels, what he’s doing..
I know how to get sex from him and I think it’s wrong.
I doubt I’ll even let him know I’m going to see a psychiatrist.
I’m sure he’ll figure it out.
I like when he emails me, says he loves me..
But I don’t say it back, because I would be lying. sometimes I don’t even email him back or if I do only to say thank you I like it when you do that.
I don’t love him.. I suppose in a way I never did. My love was conditional and it still is.
I have no intention on wanting to help him up out of anything.. I suppose I am just more focused on helping me.
I don’t think great things when anyone has mentioned they have bi-polar.
But the more I read about it, the less I feel about it..
I would completely understand if Charles felt the same way about me in the love area.
I mean if someone treated me the way I treat Charles as a spouse I would be like clearly, I need to love someone else.. because this isn’t working..
I don’t call him names, or disrespect him.
I just don’t talk to him. What’s going on with me.. what is it any concern of his.. he’s not my safe place. And I try not to touch him, because I think it’s unfair to him. I’m not sure I should tell him that, but I do.
My counselor thinks he could be a safe place for me.
Suppose only time will tell.
Also I really hope I don’t have it for the simple fact that if I do have it, just one more reason for the voices (I don’t plan on telling anyone until I feel comfortable with it) or people to judge my character on why Charles cheated in the first place..
Oh NH has bi-polar well that explains it..
I’m still very much pissed off about the whole affair and how it has to be a relationship problem and a character defect on my part somewhere because I married a deceptive, cowardly, liar.
How exactly does my character come into question?
Now it wasn’t everyone, but I got enough side comments to still make my blood boil that this is what people think?
But now if I’m diagnosed and medicated for this.. I wonder if somehow the victim in Charles will come out. The coward who just complains about life and makes everything about him. Justifying oh well she has bi-polar, I mean look what I had to put up with of course I needed to take care of me.. becoming a slut is what I needed to get away from bi-polar wife..
Ugh.. I’m a bit sad.. lonely.. and scared..
Here’s to the weekend..