So.. therapy.. went uhh..I don’t even have the words

She mentioned that she’d like to rule out bi-polar.

And as I’m thinking about breathing and not being so dam stressed..

I get scared..

Bi-polar really??

What does that mean for me and meds.. my brother said taking some meds might be a good thing and I worry..

What will the meds do to me..

And what if I am? Sure would explain ALOT of my life. How high I get and how low.

I thought it was all the Oreos or Peanut Butter M&M’s..

Which I haven’t ate boxes or packages of..

I checked out a book and a movie about bi-polar.

Is it weird that I’m researching it like the flu?

Ugh.. so on Monday I will call and find out prices and what my insurance with cover to see the psychiatrist here in town. Probably Tuesday because of MLK day.

I bought two bottles of wine. I drank 1/2 of one. I have to teach Sunday school tomorrow or I would just skip out on church and hide in my bed.

I really want to have sex.. I laid on Charles’s lap for awhile because I just wanted to feel someone else’s body close to mine.

I doubt I’ll be filing for divorce anytime soon.. but I don’t see him

I don’t think about him, how he feels, what he’s doing..

I know how to get sex from him and I think it’s wrong.

I doubt I’ll even let him know I’m going to see a psychiatrist.

I’m sure he’ll figure it out.

I like when he emails me, says he loves me..

But I don’t say it back, because I would be lying. sometimes I don’t even email him back or if I do only to say thank you I like it when you do that.

I don’t love him.. I suppose in a way I never did. My love was conditional and it still is.

I have no intention on wanting to help him up out of anything.. I suppose I am just more focused on helping me.

Bi-polar..

I don’t think great things when anyone has mentioned they have bi-polar.

But the more I read about it, the less I feel about it..

I would completely understand if Charles felt the same way about me in the love area.

I mean if someone treated me the way I treat Charles as a spouse I would be like clearly, I need to love someone else.. because this isn’t working..

I don’t call him names, or disrespect him.

I just don’t talk to him. What’s going on with me.. what is it any concern of his.. he’s not my safe place. And I try not to touch him, because I think it’s unfair to him. I’m not sure I should tell him that, but I do.

My counselor thinks he could be a safe place for me.

Suppose only time will tell.

Also I really hope I don’t have it for the simple fact that if I do have it, just one more reason for the voices (I don’t plan on telling anyone until I feel comfortable with it) or people to judge my character on why Charles cheated in the first place..

Oh NH has bi-polar well that explains it..

I’m still very much pissed off about the whole affair and how it has to be a relationship problem and a character defect on my part somewhere because I married a deceptive, cowardly, liar.

How exactly does my character come into question?

Now it wasn’t everyone, but I got enough side comments to still make my blood boil that this is what people think?

But now if I’m diagnosed and medicated for this.. I wonder if somehow the victim in Charles will come out. The coward who just complains about life and makes everything about him. Justifying oh well she has bi-polar, I mean look what I had to put up with of course I needed to take care of me.. becoming a slut is what I needed to get away from bi-polar wife..

Ugh.. I’m a bit sad.. lonely.. and scared..

Here’s to the weekend..

 

Advertisements

17 thoughts on “So.. therapy.. went uhh..I don’t even have the words

    • I can’t agree more with insist! You don’t sound BPD. More like you are suffering from unresolved PTSD and maybe some complicated grief. If this goes too far and you strongly disagree with a BPD diagnosis, please find a new therapist. You won’t be medicated for BPD surely without a thorough assessment by a fully trained psychiatrist? (I don’t know how it works there? But this seems a given.)

      • Yup you are right about that Paula I will be making an appt to see the psychiatrist here 🙂 And will be tested..
        The therapist just wants to rule it out. Although I’m not happy she had no referrals to give me and while I get that her practice is new in town she did say she had thought that a few times I’ve seen her. So.. you’ve thought that but didn’t go far enough to look into it further for me?? Seems sketch.. but I’ll get tested and see what comes out from it..
        I think it might be time to find another therapist though.. but we’ll see..

    • Having mental illness kind of runs in the family. .so I’m not ruling it out completely but I will take everything at a slow pace no matter what I get diagnosed with. I may even fly somewhere to get a second opinion.
      Also I do have highs and lows.. it’s triggered by sugar or an abundance of knowledge but the lows are a real killer..

  1. I felt the same way about Loser but I didn’t want to have sex with him. He repulsed me.
    From what I know about Bi-Polarism, there are extreme and I mean euphoric highs and devastating lows. That’s how I know I don’t have it….I’m always in a ditch. There are medications for it but I have no experience with the side-effects. I do know I worked with a woman who had it and everybody could “tell” when she was off her medications.
    Maybe you aren’t bi-polar at all. Maybe you have just been so hurt that you just can’t wrap your mind around it yet….you may never but (I hear) it will get better in time.
    Unless you are positively diagnosed, I wouldn’t run for the drugs (and that’s exactly what a psychiatrist is going to want to do.) Pain is there for a reason and if you’re drugged up, you don’t know if you’re in pain.

    • That’s what I’ve always worried about meds.. that my version of things will be skewed in some fashion and I won’t be able to tell or figure out anything about myself.

      But I always look on the downside of things.. there may be positives.. I suppose I’m just afraid..

  2. I have bi-polar disorder and was devastated when I was diagnosed – after my H’s affair. But I’d always had symptoms and it runs in my family. Being on the meds made me numb to everything for months until I adjusted. Now I stay mostly level, but skew toward hypomanic. FWIW, like someone above said, it’s more likely PTSD. You should also get a second opinion.

    • There you are DRM! I have been searching for you to see how you are. But mental illness runs in the family sooo.. there’s that and my therapist wants to rule it out and wants me to have an evaluation done. So no diagnosis just a possibility.

      I’m nervous about meds making me numb.

      Thank you for recommending a second opinion 🙂

  3. I have a close friend with bipolar and he is the one who cheats when off his medication, not the other way around. But worth checking everything out especially because someone who is providing you therapy and I trust is asking all the right questions suggests it.. Just because your emotions can be all over the map because of your situation does not quality a diagnosis. Good luck and try not to worry about it.

  4. Thanks TA that is great advice. Best thing about having a household and 4 kids with age ranges all over the place is the ability to not think about certain things LOL!! But in all seriousness I think it’s worth checking out too.
    Just when I’ve been afraid or scared about my health I felt I had a partner who respected me and cared about me.
    IMO he doesn’t he can tell me till he’s blue in the face.. but I don’t believe him so it’s scary being on my own especially health wise. Because I don’t trust him.

  5. My unsolicited two cents: I say proceed with caution. IF you have bi-polar, then diagnosis can only help. I am no professional but do think you would have exhibited symptoms before. I think there may be some PTSD as stated by others at play. I did EMDR therapy and found it very helpful. I would say explore all avenues and options and get a second opinion just to be sure. Hugs!

Comment Here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s