Why do I have the need to still want to look him up..

Bob.. his family and see.

I sometimes look  at her and think what an ugly trick..

and I hope she’s suffering..

Why do I put myself through that?

Why do I care?

Some vindication as that I can see her suffering..

Like him.. Oh that man I am married too..

I enjoyed his sad face when I told him the lies she said about him.

It gave me pleasure..

And I know that isn’t the way to go.. that is a sad way to live my life

So I will trust God…

Love and keep HIS teachings in my heart

because just as much darkness as Charles and Kendra spread throughout two families and more?

Goodness spreads just as much.

Kindness, compassion..

The past couple of days I do not love him..

He’s handsome but I do not feel love for him.

I think those are the hardest days, weeks, whatever..

He’s still a disappointment to be married to.. but maybe I’m just mad..

Yeah I’m mad..

I don’t like wimpy, mopey, conflict avoider, reformed slut liar boy to show his face around my house.

And I’ve seen it 3 times lately this week.

He claims he’s changed.. ahh.. the foolish has-been liars.. does it even occur that all the mustering to lie, deceive, and cheat all of those actions were thoughts first. So what makes a has-been liar feel so confident in their thoughts? As if words and thoughts were binding to humanity, to their marriage, to their friendships

But yet he stands firm..

Guess we will see.

For me the pattern Crazy, Anger, Sadness, Grief, and then pick myself up again.

Because we all know I can’t trust my spouse to help me dust myself off, even if he’s the one that kicks dirt on me.

Off to bed I go..

This helped not to look anyone up and just put myself to sleep..

❤ NH

 

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One thought on “Why do I have the need to still want to look him up..

  1. I think we all struggle with this but I imagine it has to be so much harder when you actually knew the people and they were such a part of your lives. That’s a deep betrayal so all you’re feeling and thinking is normal. You are normal! the situation you were placed in was crazy but that was not your fault. It was the result of two stupid, selfish adults who cared only for themselves. Time and grace- it’s the only hope we all have to get through this muck we were put in!

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