Sometimes I wonder

If I will ever wear a wedding bad again.

If I will ever shower with him again.

Not really what he thinks but do I want that.

Do I ever want to wear a wedding bad again?

As we get along, have sex, laugh and feel as this isn’t such a living nightmare will I ever want him to be that close to me again?

I like keeping him at a distance even if things are going well.

I wonder if that’s my psycho control deal or that I’m quite smart in still holding him at bay..

And maybe I’m not even doing that.. I’m just figuring out life with a reformed liar, user-of-people

I don’t think he knows what integrity is or even how he values other people.

As if we are all in his world and he can do whatever he sees fit.

Yes, he is super loving, still standing-firm, and wants nothing to do with Kendra ever again.. but is that my issue? Staying away from ho-bags and I mean all ho-bags not just her?

Because to be honest I kind of would like him to find another ho-bag because it really takes one to know one. Then I can say SEE!! You are the sicko, jerkface you proved yourself to be.

Leopards don’t change their spots!!

But why do I want that? I mean my children lose out on so much. Having a father with no integrity or spine.. no matter how that plays out it blows for the kids and no matter how hard he played good Dad the ugly always surfaces in more ways than one can imagine..

Why do I treat him as he hasn’t changed.

And why do I avoid looking at him as changed.

Maybe because I don’t believe it?

Maybe because after living with him for 10 years I didn’t know he was a people-abuser all around.

And he was he can spin his tale however he sees fit..

But now? What is he now?

He’s still my husband..

Do I love him.. in some ways

Do I respect him? in some ways

Do I want to spend every moment with him? No.

Am I happy he is my husband? Maybe..

So what do I do with that?

And as he’s walking down the hall I hide this from him.

I don’t want to hurt his feelings?

Weird..

Anyways just somethings that are on my mind..

Also took the test not pregnant..

Which made me a little sad.. and perfectly fine all at the same time…

Such a strange life I lead I swear..

Oh and looking into flying into Seattle to get emotionally evaluated

Not sure I will do that for sure..

but looking into it.

Love

NH

 

 

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