It’s silly

I remember taking a shower with him.

The one who I thought I knew and sometimes I look at the empty side of the shower and remember he isn’t coming back.

I think I get stuck sometimes feeling lost in what I felt for him.

And as sick as all get out I miss him.

I miss what I used to have 

Yeah I know he was an asshole

But he was mine and not to self condemn but I can be a completely selfish bitch with the worst sort of tunnel vision ever

But he was mine I sincerely learned to love him worts and all

I believed he could see the good in me too.

Clearly he cannot 

And if he does now I don’t care.

I remember So vividly of how I loved him and how we used to be 

Now I feel like a fraud being happy with him because it must be my own delusions that allow me to feel anything but in love with him

I remember smiling at him and seeing him smile back

I remember feeling so ever fortunate to have in front of me the love of my life 

To hold him and never want to let go.

I’m not sure if processing these thoughts are good for me or not

Suppose it keeps me locked up in what I had not what I have.

Because I do have healthy children, money in the bank, an amazing assortment of friends, I can laugh and smile 

But someday a I miss him so much and my heart feels so torn.

I long for the days I never feel this way again.

And the memory of him is so far gone that I can breathe and say I have come so far and that chapter shall not be reopened because I really don’t remember

Maybe I miss being in love 

Maybe I miss not having a woman I thought was my best friend

Off to pray and relax the thoughts are haunting today so are the memories


3 thoughts on “It’s silly

  1. So very sad. It may be hard to understand but I wish I felt like that about Loser. Instead, I feel such a burning hatred that it almost blinds me. I’m not sure which is worse but I can feel the pain in your words. Sigh.

  2. I remember taking a shower with my ex, nearly every single day. That final day while we were in the shower, I looked him in the eyes and said to him “I’m really scared” and started balling. About 3 hours later, I found a text solidifying everything that I had suspected, he had been cheating on me for 10 months. Prayers and Hugs to you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it can be even better than you ever imagined!

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