Taking care..

He’s going out of town for ALONG time to some small island.

What do I have to be nervous about..

Probably being lied to.. getting a disease…

Do any of you think that anymore?

Guess it doesn’t matter..

My cat has fleas UGH.. never encountered this before so cleaning up and preventing any type of disaster..

Icky fleabag. but I do love the cat.. just more maintenance to my life than what I want..

But sprays a vaccuuming.. and just prevention.. upkeep..

Anyways.

I told Charles about my thoughts.. because I’m getting angrier..

lately.. and he’s leaving soon..

I talked to him that I get angry that I don’t believe him, that probably I will never believe him.

Because after all it’s human nature.. primal but it is to get what you want doesn’t matter the expense of others.

Why should I have felt I was excluded when coming to my husband..

Guess because marriage and raising kids is hard work.. You do it right it’s hard work..

Should it have been so hard..maybe not?? But ours was.. and fucking still is..

Just harder it seems and I hate realizing that, because sometimes I forget.

That I was backstabbed, or it’s just not something I can have the leisure of thinking about with boy, Emily, bell, Squish, my Dad, my self..

This house..

Then when I get angry about our situation it affects me in such small but moutainous ways..

I don’t like remembering I have a washed up backstabbing slut for a partner..

After years of sticking it out with a person they knife you like nobody’s business..

And then have the audacity to claim I’m sorry, I’m trying, I love you, what was I thinking? ,I was stupid..

Blah blah blah..

But they want to continue life as it could be the same. As if I could ever love him again, or trust what he says..

This level of delusion still amazes me..

I mean he’s leaving and I tell him.. I’m not so sure about this trip.. and he says I’ll be on an island with a bunch of guys. Nothing can happen..

And I’m like so you tell me and you guys should have seen his face.. Like oh yeah it’s just my words telling you this…

I mean like I really believe him? He texts me his day, his whereabouts, I think it’s a nice gesture but it’s unnecessary for me, but I think he does it for him and maybe me?

Because it’s not that I don’t believe him.. just isn’t something I tend to think about..

I didn’t think about it before affair, during, or after..

Where is he? Is he doing what he tells me he’s doing?

I think it’s more basic trust.

I thought years of working with him he could respect me enough to tell me he’s fucking around or even wanted to.

i earned that. Through lots of tears, work, and suffering with him.

Were my needs met? Was I great partner? No.. but no couple’s perfect.

But I thought we had an understanding, an agreement if you will

That push came to shove, slut, bankruptcy, job-loss, kid-death, whatever catastrophe was to come that we could put our needs aside and respect one another if we wanted to leave, or stray from our covenant.

Backstabbing wasn’t part of the deal. Nor, was letting another backstab me as well that sure as hell was not part of the deal.

So.. I told him I don’t think that ever comes back. Where I will have blind-faith that I’m with someone who will respect me when their needs supersede mine.

I’m not sure he keeps wanting to count 22 months.. the number just pisses me off as well.

  1. I want to say 22 months of what exactly that I didn’t stab you or myself? 22 months what does it entail.. really? What does any number of years mean anything to you or I ?
  2. That maybe it shows a sign of conceding for me.

I have to make every day count for God’s glory and for my life, my children.

I have to get a grip. I’ve been on the net all damn day it seems, accomplishing very little, just being sad..

Remember I do not trust my husband, he isn’t a person of trust for me, he is a type where he’ll backstab anyone if convenient. And I live with with that. Yes, I get it I don’t have to live with that. But for now aside from living and doing this with him.

I’ve got a really great set-up. And hopefully I can make an impact with others and help the Christian community and any other community in dealing with infidelity.

Because the initial reaction is terrible.

There is nothing wrong with me, or what we had in our relationship.

He was able to backstab and cower.. Those are his traits and I cowered in my own way.

I chose to want to commit suicide and just take a backseat to the pain.

I learned a lesson about people with Charles and Kendra. If not them I would not have known any of you existed. The betrayed.

That the evil amongst us is so prevalent and we’re usually married to it.

I don’t plan on having this pity party for long..

I must straighten the crown God gave me and fucking breathe..

Know that no matter how sad I get.. it’s not an excuse not to take care of me.

Floss, drink water, sleep, have a good cry, make some tea, pray..

Pray that I am so thankful to have such a great support that killing myself, or killing him was never the option. I never wanted to kill Kendra.. Just hurt her bad.. but in doing so probably would have killed her because I’m twice her size literally.

Such a weak woman should stay alive anyway she should always cower and know she isn’t a faithful spouse. She’ll never know what that feels like. Neither will Charles. To absolutely love someone and love themselves enough to keep their integrity and honesty. Not for anyone, but themselves. They lost that, it’s like virginity you don’t get that back.

And the grass is greener the roots are strong over where I stand. And one day I hope to be with a man of integrity and honesty. A man who can handle himself emotionally and outwardly. A man who has a relationship with Christ not built on lies.

We are no more stronger together than before affair.

I am. I always was stronger than him, I shall always be.

My authenticity, my character

I didn’t pawn those for trash.

I almost did and I am sorry for that.

I must go take care of myself and Squish now..

I’ve neglected my duties far enough..

Love

NH

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Taking care..

  1. Oh my. I can feel your pain and it breaks my heart. I can understand how it feels to be betrayed and lose all trust. We’re here for you…..say anything you want and feel. We won’t judge you or criticize you….we’ll support you.
    Big hugs.
    P. S. If you have carpet, and don’t want to fool with sprays and chemicals for the fleas, salt your house…and I mean, literally salt it. The salt must contain Iodine but it will do the trick in no time.

  2. NH…heart is breaking as I feel your pain. Do you see any way, or do you have any desire, to create a new marriage from the ashes? For me, one of the betrayed, staying in my old marriage was NOT an option. Just hurting with you…HUGS.

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