The define us part.

A few have come out and said after the betrayal that the affair would not define them.

The relationship, the us.

And many have moved on.

I’m not sure what that means for me.

Because I still think of him on sides of roads on occasion being the reformed slut and banging with a slut or being in the same house I threw a baby shower with Kendra. I’ve laid and sat on both beds they decided to consummate their twisted love on with Squish. Her and I worked together to bless Glasses..

Does that make the affair define me? Just things I’m questioning..

I have changed so much after the fall-out of lies and did the affair define me.

I suppose it would seem in my world that it has and hasn’t defined me.

As for our marriage? Hmm..

I don’t like to really talk about us together.

I know I blog about it all the time.

But talking about my marriage when others who know ask, or just wait to wonder “How are you guys doing?”

I stammer.. because I don’t know… I don’t like to think of us at all

I don’t like to think of us as good, stronger, or anything..

Being with Charles has been a stretch of my worldview.

I’ve never slept with an enemy before.

I’ve never raised children with an enemy..

I never wanted to kill and shed blood on anyone until back then.

I did really want to kill him..

And to come back from that dark place

To still talk to someone I wanted to kill, or prayed numerous times for him to die, or for me to die..

I know NH is so EXTREME.. but no excuses.. accountability…

I’m not sad, nor happy

He will leave for 3 weeks and I have no plans.. I keep thinking is this when he’ll die.. when I don’t want him to die anymore not to be my husband but just for a human, a father..

Going to put this all behind me and teach Sunday school.

Live and not worry about if he dies or doesn’t..

enjoy life right now..

and whatever may come..

I know who’s gone before me already.. preparing a place for me..

Breathe in and out..

The beauty of my chaos of 4..

take it all in because I’m not dead yet..

And that’s all that really matters anyway..

NH

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