And no I have not sent him anything.. They don’t deliver mail to where he’s at
And no I did not put a present in his bag for him.
I thought about it.. But didn’t
So as I’m drinking my wine and eating on Top Ramen.. I know class is what I do LOL..
I feel lost..
I don’t miss him in fact getting by with much of my day not thinking about him at all.
I have kind of ate like crap all week Cheerios for dinner anyone? And I got invited over for dinner to a pals house tomorrow so taking kids out to swim maybe then going there
And as I am impatiently putting kiddos to sleep.
I am just lost.
Do I want to fall in love with Charles because I’m rather a very simply gal
And I feel so happy that he chose a chocolate shop I have been wanting for awhile
But see how easy I am??
Fuck buy me a box of chocolates and I’ll love you forever??
Geesh no wonder I fell for such a shmuck..
But it’s so true
Because being thoughtful just makes my day
And Charles is kind of thoughtful and I hate saying that
Because sometimes he makes me feel as if i have too high of a standard now.
Whereas before he didn’t seem to care I got whatever he wanted to give me.
Now?? Oh hell I want everything..
I don’t just want chocolates I want roses too and make dinner and dessert and clean the house..
Okay I did not say that but I’m not sure how to handle his kindness and thoughtfulness
I know batty but it’s true..
But I don’t because I get too excited in my heart when it happens and I think get your shit together NH!!
Don’t treat this as over the top special
But then I wonder when will I ever?
I suppose I should expect years for that to happen where I don’t second guess my feelings about what he’s doing.
Where I can say he did a nice thing and not feel the need to reciprocate.
Because I don’t.
Sometimes I want to like the crossword puzzle and I still haven’t finished it yet
Because it hurts should it hurt for me to do something nice for him?
I don’t know but it does
Because it makes me remember.
All the nice things I did for him and I settled for trinkets
And that I’m dealing with this at all.
That I wasn’t good enough in his eyes.
Now he can tell me till he dies that I am now and that’s all that matters
But fuck you very much sir..
Because it still hurts that I wasn’t treated with kindness or compassion that I was force fed his and her bullshit and he was fine with that
He was fine giving me whatever he wanted to give me..
Regardless if it was poison
He didn’t care didn’t mind at all he had all the power and control and
Well what I wanted hopes and dreams for our marriage or that I would want to be married to a slimy slut like he was
All of those things didn’t matter..
But they mattered to me and to still face him sometimes.:
Because he wants to put all the past behind him
And thinks I want to stay there or keep him there
Fuck you again sir
Wine makes me sleepy whoa didn’t think the effects would be this quick
Anyways that’s all for tonight
What do I want?
I want to not remember and I’m not sure that’s okay or not..
Remembering hurts but so does moving forward
Someone told me 36 is not old and that I could definite move on from Charles.
And since he’s been gone I’ve been struggling because I don’t miss him at all.
I mean the space but now I’m totally digging having this life right now and he told me he might even be gone until March??
Don’t mind at all.
I got this