Lost 


So he’s gone and sends this.. For me and the kids..

And no I have not sent him anything.. They don’t deliver mail to where he’s at

And no I did not put a present in his bag for him.

I thought about it.. But didn’t

So as I’m drinking my wine and eating on Top Ramen.. I know class is what I do LOL..

I feel lost..

I don’t miss him in fact getting by with much of my day not thinking about him at all.

I have kind of ate like crap all week Cheerios for dinner anyone? And I got invited over for dinner to a pals house tomorrow so taking kids out to swim maybe then going there

And as I am impatiently putting kiddos to sleep.

I am just lost.

Do I want to fall in love with Charles because I’m rather a very simply gal

And I feel so happy that he chose a chocolate shop I have been wanting for awhile

Thoughtful

But see how easy I am??

Fuck buy me a box of chocolates and I’ll love you forever??

Geesh no wonder I fell for such a shmuck..

But it’s so true

Because being thoughtful just makes my day

And Charles is kind of thoughtful and I hate saying that

Because sometimes he makes me feel as if i have too high of a standard now.

Whereas before he didn’t seem to care I got whatever he wanted to give me.

Now?? Oh hell I want everything..

I don’t just want chocolates I want roses too and make dinner and dessert and clean the house..

Okay I did not say that but I’m not sure how to handle his kindness and thoughtfulness

I know batty but it’s true..

But I don’t because I get too excited in my heart when it happens and I think get your shit together NH!!

Don’t treat this as over the top special

But then I wonder when will I ever?

I suppose I should expect years for that to happen where I don’t second guess my feelings about what he’s doing.

Where I can say he did a nice thing and not feel the need to reciprocate.

Because I don’t.

Sometimes I want to like the crossword puzzle and I still haven’t finished it yet

Because it hurts should it hurt for me to do something nice for him?

I don’t know but it does

Because it makes me remember.

All the nice things I did for him and I settled for trinkets

And that I’m dealing with this at all.

That I wasn’t good enough in his eyes.

Now he can tell me till he dies that I am now and that’s all that matters

But fuck you very much sir..

Because it still hurts that I wasn’t treated with kindness or compassion that I was force fed his and her bullshit and he was fine with that

He was fine giving me whatever he wanted to give me..

Regardless if it was poison

He didn’t care didn’t mind at all he had all the power and control and

Me?

Well what I wanted hopes and dreams for our marriage or that I would want to be married to a slimy slut like he was

Didn’t matter.

All of those things didn’t matter..

But they mattered to me and to still face him sometimes.:

Angers me..

Because he wants to put all the past behind him

And thinks I want to stay there or keep him there

Fuck you again sir

Wine makes me sleepy whoa didn’t think the effects would be this quick

Anyways that’s all for tonight

What do I want?

I want to not remember and I’m not sure that’s okay or not..

Remembering hurts but so does moving forward

Someone told me 36 is not old and that I could definite move on from Charles.

And since he’s been gone I’ve been struggling because I don’t miss him at all.

I mean the space but now I’m totally digging having this life right now and he told me he might even be gone until March??

Don’t mind at all.

I got this

❤️NH

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2 thoughts on “Lost 

  1. I think there is a forgiveness gene. And while I feel a lot of understanding and compassion for where Roger was in his life to get to get to the point where an otherwise emotionally mature man cheated, I think I may be missing the gene. It seems there are two kinds of people. Those who just get the fuck over it. And those who struggle with the whole kit and caboodle far more. Big hug my friend.

  2. Thanks Paula sure do need them today.. yeah I’m not sure about forgiveness.. but the moving on part.. I suppose I struggle.
    How to move on without being attached to my past.
    My past helped me learn and helps me learn.
    Sometimes I wonder I may be going to deep.. but what is a present without a past.. and in learning from my past I will not accept what went on back then.
    When I see an ounce of stupidness on his part.. I’m like Good day sir!!
    Because I will not tolerate the bullshit Paula I just won’t.
    Does that make me not forgiving him.. I’m not sure…
    But I am learning what I want in a relationship.. he says he wants to be that person.. he thinks he can be.. and then other times he mopes, whines, and cowers..
    Suppose we all do that..
    But I have no desire to be who he wants me to be in a relationship. I have no desire to meet his needs.. because what the fuck does he know about them anyway if I did care..
    Oh anger my friend is up and running today..
    Here’s to drinking water and dropping semi-homemade cupcakes off..
    They are no my best but it’s what I could do for now.. I’m tired and cranky.. but good news.. I know I don’t have to just ride this out being bat-shit crazy..
    I will drink water.. and take it easy.. just breathe.. so cliche but works for me 🙂

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