After a lunch date..

It was fun, entertaining..

And as I was home perusing Facebook.. I see quotes from my church on Timothy Keller.

I like his book The Meaning of Marriage..

Anyways so I look up a sermon because our church’s hasn’t posted yet.

The sermon is title Love and Lust 

And I found alot of comfort here in my feelings..

Because my feelings control me ALOT more than I would like them too.

Many of you read here and have followed for almost 2 years..

Do I stay, do I go, I’m going to hurt him, I’m not going to hurt him..

Many variations of emotions.. and they are good I’m a person who knows my emotions well, I just don’t know where they are taking me.

Anyways this sermon helped me recognize how my relationship with Christ is so much more important than with Charles.

When my relationship with Christ is in line than I don’t have freak-outs about what Charles and I are doing.. I really don’t care.. I just live my life and I forget that.

I also forget that Charles and I led consumer driven marriage before, during, and still do now.

I do not love him for who he is. I allow my feelings to dictate how I’m going to handle him. If I’m in a good mood about him Charles gets grace and compassion.. Bad mood.. I’m going to ignore him and hopefully not say anything to hurt his feelings.. but I’m already hurting his feelings by treating him like he’s not important. Because in my mind at the time he isn’t. I’m all like FUUUUUCCCKKK this loser.. hope he finds himself walking off a cliff..

I want a marriage to be full of honesty, integrity, and allowance for being who we are. But I don’t follow that in the way I treat him. The way I treat him makes him withdraw, shows him I will not accept him for who he is not matter what because sometimes I find him revolting!!

Seriously.. revolting..

But the way I act when I’m in a bad mood about Charles..

I do not go without accountability that my actions I look back later and sometimes I revolt myself.

I would not want my children acting the way I do to their father the way I have acted out towards Charles. I would tell them their spouse is not worth their anger hate and to let them go. I really would I would not want my kids to be with a cheater.. especially not one like Charles cut off.. leave the liars in the dust… because that’s where they belong..

I would see the cheating as a great lesson to who they are. Wolf in sheep’s clothing and there is no second chance. I would not want my kids with a cheater.

I would want my children to move on as swiftly as possible..

Maybe I should take my own advice to my adult children…

Anyways back to me I want to learn to love amongst my feelings of disgust for Charles. I am learning even though I am not in love with Charles, that our relationship as mother and father to these four is more important than me.

Am I able to love unconditionally? I would like to know if I could. maybe I can’t..

maybe it’s like cinnamon rolls.. I make them once or twice and failed miserable but 10 years later. I make some darn good ones..

Anyways just some things to think about.

Till Next Time





4 thoughts on “After a lunch date..

  1. Oh how I love me some Timothy Keller…girl you are still going…ha ha!
    good to have a moment to sit down and read up on my friend. Love you ((((hugs)))) from afar. Your heart is fighting for what is good and what is real I pray God continues to grow that seed of confidence and courage in him and all else become clear as Day in the Light of His glory and grace. xoxo

    • I HAVE MISSED YOU!! I hope you are doing well.. but I either don’t do the request thing to a private blog well because I’ve had trouble receiving an answer on requesting. I don’t know how that works. But it’s good to see your gravatar!! Hope always for great things for you ❤

      • I MISS YOU!!!
        Yeah I don’t know what the heck I did and I don’t know how to undo it. But I did want my page to be private. Just wrote an updated post…I have not been here in a long while. SOOOO busy…pray for me, I’m still separated and getting a divorce and now my husband is like lets just get this done.
        He hates supporting me with no benefits in return. I’m going to school, taking care of the kids, going to divorce care, taking care of everything as I would but I have one less burden to bear…facing him ever single day of my life. That was awful!
        Words that encourage me and keep me going? Endure till the end …perseverance.

  2. Wow.. that’s heavy but it’s necessary to do what you have to do in order to have him address his sinful ways and if he continues to not pursue your heart, to do the work in committing to Our Lord and you.. well what has to be done must be done. You are a wonderful mother and woman! You’ve got to email me so we can keep in touch ❤ ❤ ❤ Will be praying for you!! ❤ ❤ ❤ and those blessed kiddos

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