It was fun, entertaining..
And as I was home perusing Facebook.. I see quotes from my church on Timothy Keller.
I like his book The Meaning of Marriage..
Anyways so I look up a sermon because our church’s hasn’t posted yet.
The sermon is title Love and Lust
And I found alot of comfort here in my feelings..
Because my feelings control me ALOT more than I would like them too.
Many of you read here and have followed for almost 2 years..
Do I stay, do I go, I’m going to hurt him, I’m not going to hurt him..
Many variations of emotions.. and they are good I’m a person who knows my emotions well, I just don’t know where they are taking me.
Anyways this sermon helped me recognize how my relationship with Christ is so much more important than with Charles.
When my relationship with Christ is in line than I don’t have freak-outs about what Charles and I are doing.. I really don’t care.. I just live my life and I forget that.
I also forget that Charles and I led consumer driven marriage before, during, and still do now.
I do not love him for who he is. I allow my feelings to dictate how I’m going to handle him. If I’m in a good mood about him Charles gets grace and compassion.. Bad mood.. I’m going to ignore him and hopefully not say anything to hurt his feelings.. but I’m already hurting his feelings by treating him like he’s not important. Because in my mind at the time he isn’t. I’m all like FUUUUUCCCKKK this loser.. hope he finds himself walking off a cliff..
I want a marriage to be full of honesty, integrity, and allowance for being who we are. But I don’t follow that in the way I treat him. The way I treat him makes him withdraw, shows him I will not accept him for who he is not matter what because sometimes I find him revolting!!
But the way I act when I’m in a bad mood about Charles..
I do not go without accountability that my actions I look back later and sometimes I revolt myself.
I would not want my children acting the way I do to their father the way I have acted out towards Charles. I would tell them their spouse is not worth their anger hate and to let them go. I really would I would not want my kids to be with a cheater.. especially not one like Charles cut off.. leave the liars in the dust… because that’s where they belong..
I would see the cheating as a great lesson to who they are. Wolf in sheep’s clothing and there is no second chance. I would not want my kids with a cheater.
I would want my children to move on as swiftly as possible..
Maybe I should take my own advice to my adult children…
Anyways back to me I want to learn to love amongst my feelings of disgust for Charles. I am learning even though I am not in love with Charles, that our relationship as mother and father to these four is more important than me.
Am I able to love unconditionally? I would like to know if I could. maybe I can’t..
maybe it’s like cinnamon rolls.. I make them once or twice and failed miserable but 10 years later. I make some darn good ones..
Anyways just some things to think about.
Till Next Time