Ugh.. I know I’m horrible.. but I’m not excited to be sharing my bed, my kids, my house..
Suppose I should say our house..
27 days is not that long.. I mean before affair I would miss him.. now??
Well you know what I’m saying..
This is all devoid of the book I just read..
My marriage is my ministry..
Whoa say what?
I’m Charles’s helpmate.. I mean I already knew that I just don’t want to help him..
His affair, his shame, his stupidness.. not my problem.
And like I told my pastor I WILL NOT.. dumb myself down for him again..
But do I want to fight biblically for the marriage I want? or for Charles?
Do I want to help him with his spiritual battles and help him become the man he claims he wants to be?
No.. not really..
But seems I’m kind of called to do that.. UGH…
Because really what else could I be doing? This is the kind of work I would do with or without him.
And yes I know he’s not a pet project. but his heart matters and his soul too..
Also maybe being married to him is a type of obedient long suffering journey..
And to be honest.. all of his claims could be bullshit.. he probably is the low-life I still think he is at times.. because of his actions, his actions and words show much about what type of man I’m with..
But in fairness.. I can get pretty low myself..
But anyways so the kids want to throw him a welcome home party.. imagine that!
And who has to do that? Put the effort into that??
He was asking what we are having for dinner when he gets home and I’m like Mac and Cheese
He was like okay.. disappointed sigh.. silly Charles..
He gave up a wife who used to want to do those types of things.. I don’t really care if he’s gone for years!! And does whatever the hell he wants to blow, whores, whatever..
Now I don’t know what kind of wife I am? but I wonder if looking at whether I want to be a wife at all is forest for the trees mentality.. and as I ponder what kind of wife I would like to be.. I don’t need any crap expectations from him.
I do care that the kids care. Kids.. the saving grace for Charles that he has a wife at all.. I swear..
Anyways.. looking up homecoming ideas for Dad just popped up military homecomings and I still cry at those because I remember being the military spouse waiting for her husband.
I hate that. I hate remembering how much work it took to be in this marriage. So I’m kinda pissed right now.. A little bit.. dam homecoming party..
Suppose the silver lining is I raised some appreciative kids, who don’t know their Dad sucks at being a husband..
Here’s to a better day tomorrow perhaps??