I got a rejection letter..
And not just a rejection letter but I got called a Mr. too.
Addressed Mr. NotHate .. seriously.. wtf?
gender isn’t even asked on an application for a reason!
Anyways saw the letter and Charles was with me.
He tried to console me.. bleh.. At this point in my life I don’t care if he needed me, or what he thinks of me. Okay only if he thinks good things about me I like and care about that when it’s convenient.. Writing that seems to be off-putting because sometimes I do things and until I write about them I’m like whoa!!
Anyways so it was a day yesterday the rejection letter, Parent Teacher Conferences, and then AWANAS
PTC went great so did AWANAS I adore learning and reading the word with kiddos and working alongside others who do the same 🙂
I was blessed yesterday amidst rejection.
Laughed with friends and Charles gave me a foot massage and made me tea when I got home.
His attempts of making me feel less than best were nice, but did not put a dent in my ego bruise.
And then my thoughts go crazy! Because if before affair was I like that towards him?
I would like to say no, but I think I was the same.
It’s worse now of course.
But sometimes I wonder if my issues at hand are more my own insecurities, my own unrealistic standards.
I never really let him comfort me, and anything he did do was not how I wanted it.
For example I asked him for tea when I got home and a foot rub.
He obliged. We were out of our regular tea so he used my Dad’s apple cinnamon tea and that is horrible!!
His foot rub? Sub-par.
It was short, felt good though. But lately I’m seeing that as a flaw in me than in him..
Which worries me and makes me want to FREAK THE FUCK OUT!!
Because I worry when I over analyze myself when in relationship to Charles because I will no longer be HARD on myself in this relationship anymore. I will not apologize for my short-comings as a wife like I had before.
But you know your pal NH I’m X to the treme soooo.. there’s that.
But I also wonder maybe this is something I do on the REAL with those in my family
I always notice how it isn’t the way I would do it.
I notice how I would have done it this way and WHY can’t the other person do it like that?
It’s a bit sick in the head if you ask me. Which I know you didn’t.. 🙂
But Charles’s attempts to love me.. or be kind, or just dote on me?
I don’t like to be talked to that way, or why did he do it that way?
Instead of being thankful he did anything at all?
Ugh my life
Seriously facepalm my thoughts today..
That is all.