Another man

I would move on and inevitably find someone else. I shouldn’t kid myself Rizzo always laughed at me when I spoke of a life of celibacy and solitude.

Yeah single Mom with 4 kids.. maybe celibacy but no solitude.

Anyways Charles apologized about the sweater incident. He was worried me calling it “The incident” That’s what the situation was referred to back in 2012.

And him and I seem to be changing and moving on. Him a softer, kinder man.

He isn’t harsh and he’s quick to shut the hell up and listen when I’m saying something about his behavior instead of flying off the handle.

But I suppose it’s the delivery of it all. I’m not throwing things, calling names, or attacking him.

I have no reason to attack him anymore over the past. I can say how I feel and good grief my emotions are enough no need to attack anyone really ever again.

Okay he did mention something about an electric blanket and I remember the electric blanket she gave me and I want nothing to do with electric blankets or anything that reminds me of the blonde in sheeps clothing. I told him no electric blankets just makes me angry and I think about  wrapping  wires around her neck (yes I still have animosity towards that woman I apologized to that loser numerous times for things and that wretch was sleeping with my husband, I hope she’s unhappy.. I know maybe not the kindest thing.. but whatever it is what it is. I do hope I don’t always feel that way. I hope there will be a day in my life where the triggers of her and I are non-existent but I doubt it will ever be that way)

So I’m not attacking Charles good things focus on the present right? So presently things are good I mean I hate to commit to that but they are good. He’s home all Spring Break and we are just dorking off at the house going to paint and get somethings around here taken care of.

But he is different and sometimes I would gather a completely different man altogether. He is introspective or dare I say trying to be. He doesn’t get defensive and withdraw. He’s finishing books. Which is a shocker to me.

He’s like another man.

And I have to wonder if this is what God and Rizzo have been telling me all along. And let me point out for any newcomers the dam stupid my husband did, is in no way an enlightenment on my life except for the sense I knew I didn’t marry the most romantic, or kind man and well now I know how much of jerk he really was.

The affair did not save my marriage it killed the relationship I had with my husband, one that I never thought I would lose. And this new relationship I have with him now? It’s strange and awkward.

Nothing like if I was to date again or meet someone new.

The newness of Charles is not a breath of fresh air. It’s been a nightmare really coming to terms with the kind of jerk I married and what kind of person I fall for. Is Charles the devil himself hell no. He’s got good qualities but being a kind, loving husband was never one of them.

However now?

I see it now, and it’s disturbing and good to see.

Mostly disturbing if I think about it too much.

He’s still far from the man I want to be with the rest of my life.

But I am far from wanting that again in my life.

But he is different or changing.

In the beginning of our marriage I was sick numerous times ER sick and he made me food a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. And I told him if he could use more jelly. That upset him and it upset him when we brought it up during what I thought was a delightful relationship but it wasn’t. Because I didn’t appreciate what he did for me..

Yeah like he appreciated me right? But in his mind he thought he did.

So today I was making PBJ for girls and me I am in a place of blackberry jam is so delightful on my tongue!! And so I tell him not on purpose just talking about memories and how I wanted him to put more jelly on my sandwhich and how upset he was for me making that request. And his voice sounded sad, like he knew he was too harsh with me.

As I delete and rewrite FB memories of how I loved my husband during his stupid affair and even before.

I wonder if he rewrites his own memories as well. Like does he look back and re-think how he chose to act towards me?

I hope he does, and I hope it tears  him up inside.

I’m not trying to get back at him, but it would make me happy to know he’s reframing his thoughts about our interactions in our history to make better ones for our present..

This was supposed to be super short but it’s like I’m with another man but still married and it’s kind of cool to see and creepy..

But like I said in the beginning I would have found another man anyway.. so here’s to it possibly being my babies Daddy?

LOL.. I crack myself up..

NH

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2 thoughts on “Another man

  1. I’m reminded of a video by Esther Parel that has been going around on youtube (talking about affairs). In it she makes a comment – can’t remember it exactly but it’s along the lines that people often have multiple marriages during their life, and often they are with the same person.

    She never really explained what she meant, but I took it to mean that marriage and your relationship with your partner will change over time. Hopefully you and your husband are finding a place that is now good for both of you. Different can be better in some ways, and maybe worse in others. But if the new road works, then that’s great.

    As you said, if you can find a good life with another man, it’s a bonus if that man happens to be the father of your children and the one you happen to be married to.

    • I have seen that video and I think her optimism about infidelity with people is a bit infuriating. but I remember her saying that about being in a different relationship with the same person.. 🙂

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