We were at the beach a few days ago and Bel writes this in the sand.
All of us were having a good time at the beach and I just wanted to cry
Because these moments mean the most to our kids and us together as a family
Enjoying time together and enjoying the earth around us
Charles bought coffee and Italian sodas before we got to the beach and somedays with him all is right in our little world and it makes me cry..
Happy tears of course because I wouldn’t believe it a few years back or even catch me on a bad day with Charles but the good days aren’t so far an in between
And Bel she writes I love you Mom and Dad with happiness and pleasure in the sand with her splendid kindergarten heart. She doesn’t have to write mom and Dad with sadness.
Like when I see our anniversary date or I find some stupid card or dumb thing he wrote to me during his affair I get filled with all sorts of emotions and I’m glad Bel isn’t dealing with the thoughts of her family torn apart at the moment.
I don’t think I will ever buy into his story of “But I loved you then I was just lost” I remember screaming at him the dumb cards he had written to me during his affair throwing the dam things at him! Screaming why? Why write those things??
Because plain and simple he was someone who did things for the wrong reasons. I so wanted to use a curse word but felt it wouldn’t do justice. Because he wasn’t a man who knew anything about love, integrity.
He was a fraud.
And I stick to that.
I married a fraud
And now well I seem to be married to a man who can no longer hide or play house any longer.
That courtesy is gone he is accountable for every word or action in accordance to this relationship.
And I don’t care if he gets tired of doing the right thing with me.
I suppose during that time at the beach happy tears were so abundant because I have not only stayed in this marriage for my family but for me as well.
I have learned a great deal about myself staying with Charles and doing this with him.
Are we reconciling? I’m not sure I know the both of us are getting stronger
We are kinder more compassionate not just to each other but towards others
I have no doubt that I’m going to be okay with or without him.
And he says he’s willing to wait for me so I shall see what he means.
But happy tears felt so good.