Sometimes I do not even know if my period is tripping me up sometimes..
It’s frustrating having your own body and mind play tricks on you..
You know what I want right now..
Things I can’t have..
Quiet, and a big bath tub I can drown my sorrows in..
Is that realistic?? Good grief?? I feel sad because I see that I haven’t grown as much as I thought..
Sorrow.. what sorrow you say?
The sorrow that I felt really good about Charles and that I worry about it..
Such 1st world problems
I don’t worry about food, clothing, shelter, clean water..
I don’t like that I can’t trust myself to feel good about Charles..
Lost in a sea of sadness today..
I signed up for a Women’s Conference today and I don’t want to go..
Maybe I should..
And not be a huge downer for the rest of the family..
I love this family very much..
It is my problem with myself and with Charles.
I hate that I cannot trust myself in knowing what love looks like for me.
I allowed Charles to dim my light.. I was blinded by vanity and lust towards a man who loathed himself much more than I loathed myself.
I hope my children will be able to see through such foolishness..
I am angry at myself that I knew better and I allowed him in.
And I do not allow him in for sake of punishing him.
I do not allow him in because I cannot trust my feelings about him.
How I feel for him.
It’s like I would be trapping myself again with him if I allow myself to not analyze this and give me some time..
I do not want to fall for him or anyone else in the manner that got me here before. Believing I know my own feelings which I clearly do not..
God help me today..
For I am feeling quite in despair..