Mistrust and my heart is heavy.. so is my period

Sometimes I do not even know if my period is tripping me up sometimes..

It’s frustrating having your own body and mind play tricks on you..

You know what I want right now..

Things I can’t have..

Quiet, and a big bath tub I can drown my sorrows in..

Is that realistic?? Good grief?? I feel sad because I see that I haven’t grown as much as I thought..

Sorrow.. what sorrow you say?

The sorrow that I felt really good about Charles and that I worry about it..

Such 1st world problems

I don’t worry about food, clothing, shelter, clean water..

I don’t like that I can’t trust myself to feel good about Charles..

Lost in a sea of sadness today..

I signed up for a Women’s Conference today and I don’t want to go..

Maybe I should..

And not be a huge downer for the rest of the family..

I love this family very much..

It is my problem with myself and with Charles.

I hate that I cannot trust myself in knowing what love looks like for me.

I allowed Charles to dim my light.. I was blinded by vanity and lust towards a man who loathed himself much more than I loathed myself.

I hope my children will be able to see through such foolishness..

I am angry at myself that I knew better and I allowed him in.

And I do not allow him in for sake of punishing him.

I do not allow him in because I cannot trust my feelings about him.

How I feel for him.

It’s like I would be trapping myself again with him if I allow myself to not analyze this and give me some time..

I do not want to fall for him or anyone else in the manner that got me here before. Believing I know my own feelings which I clearly do not..

God help me today..

For I am feeling quite in despair..

 

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3 thoughts on “Mistrust and my heart is heavy.. so is my period

  1. I always feel like my period makes me lose it a bit… I’ve actually taken to letting my husband know when it’s about to start so he can brace himself for the crazy and the rage!! Here’s to being a woman 😃

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