I still get angry..

I still look at him sometimes and think what a douche I married.

And then he cleans something up, makes my life easier, or blows my mind by doing something completely different..

Like not be a douche bag and it’s like W-O-W

Lately I’ve been thinking of preparing myself with my faith.

For the unsinkable suffering that is to be my life of needs, wants, and realistically adventure.

Without the deep grief of pain, work, and strife.. there isn’t a relationship worth fighting for.

Sometimes I think of the blonde jerk who called herself my friend and I still hope she suffers.. and I know she is..

Whether she knows it or not she is suffering.. and that makes me feel better about my own I suppose.

Am I exhibiting the fruits of the spirit towards her? Mostly no, but strangely I have in many ways and I regret that which is so unfortunate.

Why would I regret not punching her to the ground in the mental ward? I why would I regret not going up to her house and screaming and shouting like a lunatic waiting to beat her ass on her property?

I have strange ways.. full of sin I suppose.. which I want to turn around. Because as much as I loved God before affair.. He protected me from doing some foolish nonesense.

I mean so many times many of my pals live in her neighborhood and I wanted to drive by her house and just cause a fuss..

Yet.. I didn’t, because I was covered by love throughout my crazy I was loved dearly..

To not act like a revengeful coward and kick her ass..

Because really what does that say about me? Hurt, pissed off, betrayed, backstabbed..

Yes, but that I can be all consumed with dirt and become dirt as well..

So many women kept me from groveling in filth with Charles and Kendra.. because let’s face it cheaters are filthy. Funny how much hate I spewed on the both of them doesn’t compare to how much they hate themselves. Whether they show it or not. I firmly believe my husband hates himself more now than before. I know he wants to dig himself out but it’s a big hole and I’m not sure he will allow Christ in his heart to transform him. I will never know and I don’t care. Unless I am being mistreated and unloved.. but it’s strange does anyone else know how it feels to wonder if I even understand myself with their sick spouse about being mistreated or loved?

Anyways today is a busy day.. my house feels like a place not of peace.. so I’m correcting that instead of wallowing.

I’m going to try and read the full armor of God everyday Ephesians 6:10-18

The ladies I was mentored under were covered in it when dealing with my crazy, hating, self. I only hope when a broken-hearted woman comes to me I could do the same.. or broken-hearted man..

Here’s to a busy Thursday I’m having a pedicure at 12 so excited..

Learning self-care.. while it’s expensive.. Oh how I enjoy it..

I’m going to You-Tube though how to give myself one on a weekly basis though..

Thank you to all of you who encouraged, lifted me up, and continue to follow me through this madness of after an affair..

I still don’t like being married to an adulterer, yet it’s rather foolish to only label Charles as such.. he’s much more than that.. but it’s one of my biggest problems with him..

One that will never change either until I leave him.

 

 

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6 thoughts on “I still get angry..

  1. Altho u still get angry…I have seen a ton of growth in u lately. U are definitely healing some, may still have a long way to go but at least u are making progress.

  2. Isn’t it so crazy to have two such strong, extreme opposite feelings for someone. I love and hate him. I want to trust him but I’m terrified to do it.

    You’re right about God- I lost a whole lot of sanity onnDday, but thank God I didn’t lose all of it. I think I have most of it back…until he does the next douche thing and I’m the crazy, like stuck wife all over again!

  3. I can relate to this – the love/hate part. T is right, you’re making progress. Do you ever go back and read older posts? Doing so helped me realize I was doing 100x better than I was when it all started.

    • No I don’t.. I have a tendency to ruminate and I’m not sure I would do well. I know in the beginning I used to keep testing myself by looking at a picture of Kendra to see if I was still mad. Then one of my therapists told me that was foolish and keeping myself trapped in the past.. I’m not sure that is the same thing.. also I’m a bit afraid of what I will find.

  4. I only recently started doing it – four years out. I can see so much progress. But I can understand how its not for everyone.

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