Rushed, anxiety filled dreams not of affair stuff just scheduling things
I made a meal for a family yesterday and I was a bit stressed…
I shouldn’t have been but my mind seems to be racing..
Charles was kind because he can see it in my face in the morning and wanted to know what was wrong..
I really want to take a trip to KS. Lowest I’ve seen fares is $517 but good gried.. it’s pretty pricey for all 6 of us to go..
And we are looking at getting boy and girl lessons. Drum lessons and piano lessons.
And then there’s the martial arts class.
All can add up pretty quickly..
Well off to clean.. I would like to finish applying for college. I find it exhausting because there is so much information they need..
But really it’s just one of those things I don’t want to do.
Well here’s to the day. going to get a shower take Squish to the jumpy house and look forward to not cooking tonight.
Looking forward to destressing.. I’m learning more and more about myself throughout this whole ordeal and I think I’m learning to maneuver the sadness with as Rizzo would say tools in my toolbox.
I know who I belong to, I know the pain in my chest will not last forever,
I know food, sex, buying things, running away from problems will solve nothing
I never realized how much I NEEDED those stated above and how destructive my behavior was to myself until my world fell apart.
I like to pray.. little prayers and I forget often, but the time between is less and less. I like to listen to worship music while I clean and organize.
I am enjoying filling my brain with the thoughts that I’m mature enough to know memorizing scripture, setting goals for myself, thinking about my thoughts as not crazy or too much, but challenges I can overcome.
This new life is a bit creepy… and strange.. but it’s mine and I have to do the best I can.
I think so much of me was lost because I always felt not good enough and it was like the whole double betrayal bit was a big huge sign. I’m not good enough, I tried, it failed.. it’s over..
It’s not over.. not for me anyway.. and I feel the pull to not fight old bad habits and I give myself grace and kindness.
The kind of grace and kindness I want and try to show for my kids.
I’m good enough.
It’s okay my husband and I don’t have a great relationship
It’s okay to laugh with my handsome adulterer
It’s okay to still be mad at him and her too
It’s okay to be nice to myself
and it’s okay to not know how as well.
It’s okay to not say mean things about them.
it’s okay that I still miss loving my husband..
I really want to be great though you guys. I miss the passion and fierceness I believed about my husband..
But really? seems like a distraction and starting with passion and fierceness for God and for myself. The two go hand in hand is the better option.
And maybe one day I can have both..
And it’s okay that I don’t have that right now.
It’s hard saying those things but they are the truth and my reality.
Here’s to the day.. I super need a shower and to get out with little miss.