I came across

A note of his that mentioned that I may be passed ever loving him like I used too.

It was from back in Jan but it has me thinking..

Because all of us betrayed know it will never come back the way it used to be.

Things are too changed him and I are both changed. He an adulterer I am not.

We are on opposite sides of the trail I am a faithful spouse: I intend to be one til I die even if I find another spouse later on down the line.

He is an unfaithful man who is trying to be faithful to his wife now. But more importantly faithful to God and himself. Which doesn’t concern me at least I don’t think it does.

See because before I thought we had something special and we can work through tough times together.

Turns out we are not anything special as a couple. Him and I are on different paths.

I think he’s coming to terms with that now. That he’s not going to get that back. The girl who loves to be near him every second or want to plan date nights anniversaries.. Etc

Because I don’t to me I am WAY more important my healing, my life goals.

He’s like my side piece 

I still adore having sex with him.

But I don’t long to cuddle afterwards 

I don’t try to make his life easy or concern myself with the nuances about his life.

I think him and I are at an understanding lately.

To achieve our goals together but we are more close friends than anything.

I am still saddened to have a marriage like this but also enjoying not bothering about him too.

Lots of guilt went along with loving him also contempt and I have none of that now.

It’s like a weight lifted off of my shoulders that I never knew I had.

I settled for Charles 

I hope to train and guide our children to not settle

If staying with Charles to keep our family going and keep all of us in the same house so be it.

I do not think I am settling now would I love to be in love oh sure to feel sparks? To feel like my marriage is a place of safety again? Sure who doesn’t? 

But I’m making the best of what I have to work with now.

Anyways

Was searching for someone on FB and Bobs profile came up as the first search UGH… We are not FB friends but to only never see him is to block him and I just want to keep the line open in case Charles and Kendra decide to talk again and Bob finds it before I do.

Is that silly?

Him and I made a pact we find any info between the 2 of them we notify each other.

I hate seeing his profile show up though whenever I type in BOb or anything close to his name. Not because I don’t like looking at him but because I want to see her.

And it’s hard not to want to see what she’s up to.

I want to see her smug lying face and hope she has no friends.

I’m sure she does and can easily stomp on people and move on but it’s a sick game I play with myself it’s sad 

Maybe I’ll block Bob so the temptation isn’t there 

I don’t know..

Here’s to tomorrow and that I am ready to teach Sunday school! 😊

❤️NH

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “I came across

  1. Things are changed. Forever. It takes a long, long time to fully accept that. And it never feels okay. I can relate to all of this. I have one question. How will you guide your children not to settle? I don’t think you ever settled. You loved. You were badly betrayed. Then you have tried to find the best way forward. That isn’t settling.

    • I hope to help them along with their self-worth and who they are. I was a very lost little girl meeting Charles and I allowed him in when he should never have been.
      I fell for a shallow, sad, binge-drinking man. All red flags but I admired the good and denied the bad.
      I made excuses for Charles where there should never have been.
      I thought if you worked hard at a relationship there would be a mutual turning of the tables no matter how rotten things got.
      Turns out I was wrong. There is no mutual marital relationship here. I don’t trust him. I doubt I ever will. And that’s okay for now.
      But as for my children I hope to guide them to seek the Lord and do not just fall for anyone. Falling for someone is easy.. and easy.. is rarely ever good..

      I know I settled before, but I don’t see myself settling for second best anymore. I see me trudging forward and while I can’t really sing.. singing my song!!

      Finding the lost young girl and making amends and reconciling with who I was before I met Charles and who I am now.

      Not reconciling with him. I have no desire to MC, do date nights, or even attempt to think this marriage can be saved or rebirthed from the ashes.

      But I do know I will come from the ashes.. I have no clue about him. He’s a mess and I do feel sympathy for him. Because as it takes time to accept the death of a marital relationship, I can imagine the time it takes to realize you crushed someone’s heart and dreams for your marriage and you no longer will be loved or treated like you are special.
      I used to feel like God blessed me with Charles and I was so fortunate to be with him..

      Not the case at all now and I’m pretty sure it will be like that for a LONG time..

      Thank you for always re-iterating that I loved.. ahh.. it’s still easy to feel the fool at times.. but you have always been right in making sure I do not feel sorry or ashamed for loving them both.

      I loved deep and hard.. (LOL sounds like a porn) and I still do love like that! And there is no shame in doing so!

      Here’s to another day finding the best way forward.. lot’s of love to you Paula!! ❤
      How have you been?

      • Good answer, NH. But you do know that they will nonetheless make their own mistakes. I worry that modelling ‘staying’ is sending a mixed message to my kids. They know we are good friends but not entirely happy. I saw some of this stuff growing up and was conscious of it, communicated all of this stuff I learned from observation to Roger and it was no protection. We can only do our best to inform and educate. I know we are both trying x.

Comment Here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s