The deck and other thoughts

The deck is turning out to be more of a project than I thouht 

Good grief I’m glad Charles has helped me with it 

He didn’t have to

The whole family pitched in and we only got one coat done but it looks marvelous 

I need to turn in my application for  the job tomorrow 

And finish applying for school 

Good grief can things slow down a bit?

Probably not..

Which is nice in a way because 

I got an anniversary card in the mail today from my mother and I hate it.

I hate that she sends cards still because she doesn’t know 

I want to tell her but you know it’s not so easy telling the story over again 

Still makes me mad

And I don’t know how my mother would take it 

But I would like her to stop sending the cards celebrating this union

I think I will call it that

Because my marriage died with affair 

It’s gone and what we have left is mutual respect if that

I mean it’s a two way street as opposed to loving unconditionally which I do not do 

Because if he gives me more reason to walk out on his ass then I will 

Kick his ass to the curb

But good grief he is so kind, loving, doting even when I’ve pissed him off its interesting to see

Because fuck toy Kendra didn’t get any of that the jerk even told her he didn’t like watching her kids 

Who the fuck still wants to have sex with a man after that?!

Any his ass didn’t do a dam thing anyway I’m the one who loved on those kiddos😊

Ahh the sickness of laying life out there to compare whore to wife

I still have trouble realizing I do it 

It’s ridiculous and foolish but a good flag to check myself and wonder why am I doing that?? 

Anyways today I thought this life is nice with Charles 

As if the affair was so long ago like another life away

And then I wondered why do I think and feel that way

Am I foolish, naive

Am I truly moving on? 

Or is it a sad attempt at enchanting myself into something 

Not sure 

But here is what I do know 

I need a shower and I am sore



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