Now, I’m with a cheater..
He can say anything he wants but that’s what he is.
He will never know what it’s like to be faithful to a partner throughout his whole marriage.
He will know what it’s like to break a relationship
He will know what it’s like to use people fore his own gain
Today he needed a coffee mug and I told him I think I saw one behind the TV stand
It was there..
but it was like a lost sippy cup
Full of some mold so I washed it for him.. first I sprayed it with 409 and then I scrubbed with Dawn.
At first I was worried I would kill him if I didn’t get the 409 out and what a sucky way to die..
If you could die from it or get sick..
And Charles has always been a fucker and he inspects dishes, he sniffs things all the dam time..
So after I was done washing it he is looking at it and says UGH!..
And I turn around and was about to go crazy and he’s laughing because he was just joking and I’m like crazed! Because I don’t need that shit! I’m doing the morning routine I don’t need to fucking care if your cup still has mold, death, or whatever is in it.. if you care so much rewash it yourself!!
But he hugged me and said he was just joking..
Lately I have made jokes about him hobbling along.. his hip has been out of whack awhile and he’s been going to the chiropractor and now seeing his Dr.
And I can see his face, or he’ll tell me that was mean. And I was like I’m sorry.. (I truly am) I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings. So I no longer joke about his somewhat disability
But I realized as I dropped the boy off at school because he needed all his camping gear that I wasn’t mad specifically at Charles but more because I don’t like feeling not good enough.
And when he inspects dishes, sniffs food, when he makes crap comments about anything I’ve done. I get pissed..
But that’s my problem.. I don’t like not feeling good enough.
I want to say he has made me feel not good enough since I’ve been with him.
But in reality? I’ve always felt that way, he just was another thing that heightened and kept me aware that I’m not good enough..
I think raising a teen has helped me to see that my sweet boy says so many things without finishing them.
Like this morning he said “I want to start a fire” in the car and I told him don’t say that! I got pissed because he has to stop saying dumb things like that! I mean I get it he can’t wait to start fires for his camping trip but the words out of his mouth just as make him took irresponsibly and make people wonder.. does he mean now? like in this building? in this car?
And as God has blessed me with my boy.. I see that I’ve done that.. when Charles has inspected something, crossed my character.. my first instinct is FUCK YOU!
But really what I’m feeling is not good enough and I mean fuck you.. I don’t need your approval I’m fine the way I am, if you don’t think I’m good enough then fuck you!!
And I don’t know why I don’t say that but I will today..
I will tell Charles I have trouble feeling good enough and while I don’t want you to change who you are and why you do things.
Because maybe he was poisoned as a child, or there is something about inspecting things that makes him feel secure.. but he is who he is.. cheater and all.
but that is why I flipped out and I don’t find those jokes funny.
And to be honest guys I don’t want that crutch on my shoulder.
I know who I belong to and who I am, it’s a creepy habit and while I always knew I had a problem with it, I’m seeing the extent of how it permeated the way I communicate and what triggers my anger and self defense..
And yes even before affair I had anger issues, and no I do not think fixing that will make my marriage stronger..
But I do think finding who I am and why I do things significant.. because like I said being on auto-pilot is no way to live for me anymore.
I chose not to apply for the job. I think it will stress my family out, and I want to potty train Squish because she is having none of it.
I do wonder if I’m making excuses, will I regret not applying? I kind of feel that I will right now.. maybe I will apply and just see how things go.
Because I want to enroll in the fall for school. I would like to finish the Bachelor’s and then move on to Master’s, then doctorate.
I think I’ll have a full year and 1/2 to graduate with the bachelors
and working, going to school, and raising the kids.. I don’t think I could do all of that.
But am I limiting myself?
or do I know myself not to stress myself out?
Well some things to think about today after I make my bed, eat breakfast, pray, and read my bible..