Giving up dreams..

I used to want to spend every moment with him you guys.. okay well without kids..

I loved just being in his company.

I get it I was pretty sad after having kids, doing the homemaker thing.

No excuses but I had nothing to model how to be a Mom or do the whole marriage bit.

My parents were to put it lightly interesting.. they were both sad for numerous reasons.. so marital bliss was something I learned that could happen with other families just not mine.

I wanted marital bliss.

I see pals going on vacations when their kids are small. We couldn’t really do that with the boy he was kind of a nightmare until age 5 or 6. I see them loving each other taking time out for each other.

The boy screamed all the time and it took experience to hang with the kid.

So maybe it wouldn’t have happened even if we wanted it to.

But when it did happen for us to get away. I got that after carrying Squish and he’s full on into a year into his affair. He didn’t do it for me. He claims he did.. but what the fuck does he know during his affair.. He was an asshole and do assholes do nice things for people they are backstabbing? Of course they do because it makes them feel better about themselves. The other person doesn’t matter.. they are just a pawn in their world.

Their dreams of a faithful partner.. doesn’t matter

Their dreams of not wanting to catch a disease by liars? doesn’t matter

The fact that the person they are lying to does not want to be lied to? doesn’t matter.

I thought he loved me. That dream that died once I found out he was the worst backstabbing person I had ever met in my life is still crushing.

I really thought he loved me.

I thought he believed we were worth fighting for, just like I did.

I’m trying not to get so bent about maybe if we did those things.. got away together.. but he never wanted to.

I did.

At times I still hate him a bunch guys. After two years I can still hate him. Not as bad but still a great deal if that means anything..

And the sad thing is he doesn’t get that. He doesn’t get how I could still hate him so much after he’s trying so hard, he doesn’t get why I can’t just embrace a future with him?

Or maybe he does get it he’s just in denial perhaps?

I mean he’s the cheater.. he has that mindset which appalls me that he can’t apply cheater mindset to other areas of his life.

Denial, double standards, the fact that only his perspective matters,

Don’t get me wrong.. sure I am being treated like I the amazing person I should have been treated like that long ago and if I want to go on a date night it happens.. if I want anything it happens.

So what’s the problem right?

I think it’s grief over what was and what will never be.

I will never have a faithful husband, the fact I didn’t know the evil my husband was capable of and reconciling with that person, not actually reconciling the marriage, but realizing how disgusting of a person I married and realizing he still may be that person.. just lurking down under there.

And he sticks me with the change word.. that he can change.. that he doesn’t want to be this evil, cruel person.

And I don’t blame him. Being him would suck.

Living with what he caused another family, damaged relationships, and was just a liar.

Anyways we all know what he did.

We were watching a Steve Carell film called “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World” and the guy is driving with his wife and the end of the world broadcast comes on the radio and the car stops at a stop sign. The wife looks at the husband, gets out of the car, and runs.. I mean the chick doesn’t look in that great of shape but becomes a sprinter!

And during the movie while my head was laying on his stomach Charles asks “Would you run away like that if it was the end of the world?” stroking my hair. I smile gently and just watch the move. There was a pause and he said “You don’t have to answer” and I calmly replied “I wasn’t going to”.

I would love to say that I knew exactly what I was going to do.

But I wouldn’t.

I still look at him and think I would not want you by my deathbed.

If I was dying I would want my children and my friends.. when all my #1’s got Facetimed we might have some time before I took my last breath.. but the strange thing is that I see him there anyway in my hypothetical death..

The man’s persistent.

I’ll give him that..

Until I serve him papers.. I think he’ll be hanging on with the jaws of life.. He always has to be touching me at night.

It’s weird.. I think..

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Giving up dreams..

  1. “I will never have a faithful husband” -I get it. Not forever. Not the one you chose. People say, ” but he can be faithful from now” -great. How cool is that? (Not very, in my eyes, unfortunately.) Or, “you will find someone else who will be.” Also a consolation prize. That is the gift of infidelity. Permanent dissonance and grief at what should have been. Sending alofa, NH. I understand xxx.

  2. As do I, I also understand where both of you are coming from, I chose to stay with my husband, mostly for my family & the memories of the man I knew pre-affair, but sadly things will never be the same. Sending love & hugs to you both from your old pal Joan

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