A swollen lymph node and college

Whew thanks everyone for the concern, prayers and kindness..

Just a swollen lymph node and all will be well

So thankful..

Trying to finish what I started with the 4-H club here in my part of AK and I was finishing up my college admissions for school..

I remember why I stopped..

I don’t know seeing my life on one transcript was difficult..

You could see the years I was struggling with life..

Well.. at least I could..

And it’s hard not to hold back the tears and remember how hard life was during affair..

And as I sit next to him.. I want to wish bad things upon him and say fuck you.. fucking asshole..

But I’ve grown enough to know.. that’s meaningless and pointless..

As the tears stream and now I am bent on finishing this dam degree no matter what the stakes because I won’t have to go back anymore..

On any of my previous years of college.. I’ll just have my bachelor’s and move the fuck on..

On without ever looking at those dam grades again.. without feeling the heartbreak of what I wanted.. and how hard I was working to keep it all together.. homeschooling.. going to college trying to start a website.. at least I was fucking trying instead of fucking someone else..

It’s times like this where I still feel like staying with him is the suckiest part of my existence and the cool part too.

Because without him I wouldn’t be with my kids as much as I am.. and likewise..

Even though that book that I read Imperfect Harmony has some pretty crap advice..

I don’t want my kids growing up in separate homes right now..

Fuck.. not sure I could even afford a box out here where I live now..

So for now.. it is what it is..

However I can make peace with myself.. smile and know that I don’t have to make myself feel better my putting Charles or Kendra down.

They are who they are

People who have done some low and dirty things..

I can’t change him, nor do I want to change my opinion of him.

He’s a means to an end one way or another for right now..

And I must raise above this..

My history was good because I’m not a fucking douche bag..

Okay I am but not a cheating lying douche bag!!

But in my history I tried… I worked hard and I never blamed anyone for my misery but myself.

And that’s fair.. I can be pretty destructive at times..

I’m going to move on from all of this one day..

I hope it’s sooner rather than later..

 

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