You are not my best friend and memories that I’m not sure what to do with like my anniversary

I went with him the the doctor’s and we are just getting his health in order 

And I only went to see what is going on and to see what is wrong with him

I cared about my control situation 

I care that he gets better because tag teaming our 4 is so much easier to tag when that someone can tag back 

Anyways just being there made me feel irritated because I remember getting a bone marrow sample done on my own and that fucker could have cared less 

Maybe I’m pissy because my what used to be anniversary 

Will be coming up 15 years to asshat

Oh I will drink to that

Never fails something to remind me how sickly my marriage is

And maybe it isn’t sick maybe I’m just the one that has a terrible time of letting go

Letting go of who I was and what I believed the man I was married to was made out of 

The change is hard enough for me to start over 

And no not with Charles but with my life 

To re-evaluate what I am doing 

What I enjoy, what I like, don’t like 

Because so many personal things revolves around him and now they do not 

I enjoyed spending time with him and focusing on his likes, his dreams because I never really had any except to work, not marry, not have kids

I am finding out how I fell for him and my flaws that attracted me to him 

Change is hard 

And he’s no longer someone I want to spend my free time with

He is a default at best 

And if I focus on that fact too much it sucks

Because I have nostalgia that makes me barf because it’s false

I am unsure how to define my past when it makes me angry and to not disturb the dragons

Because I don’t know how to handle them yet 

When I am around the day that I know I took him as the love of my life and thought we had mutual respect for each other 

I start to crumble 

Because I believed in us

I don’t anymore 

And that’s ok

I married a cheating adulterer 

It happened

It still hurts the facts hurt 

He didn’t take this marriage seriously 

Maybe he understands now but nothing about him is for certain 

The fact that I married a back stabber who is no friend of mine 

Those facts hurt

Ugh… I’m just a bowlful of anger tonight 

Pray for me the anniversary dates get me hard because while I do acknowledge my part in doing the best I could for the past 15 years to make this marriage work

Asshat did so much to tear it down 

And why did I stay with him?

Those answers haunt me

Charles was a mistake to marry

I am paying for that mistake 

It’s frustrating 

Because how do I get to the point of not paying for a damn thing?

How do I recognize and realize my potential?

How do I not cry when I see newlyweds love so much or many a posts where they are thanking their spouse for being in their life.

Because when I see those things I remember what it felt like to think my husband had only eyes for me and that we were a great team aside from kids 

I remember what it felt like to hold him and never want to let go 

I hate remembering those things 

I want to learn how to let go of those things that hurt or to learn from them

My only hope is that one day I will find that answer 

It’s ok that I don’t have those things anymore 

It’s okay my husband is not my best friend or even on my favorite person list 

I thought that is what my husband would always be and I was wrong 

And that’s okay too

To be wrong about my husband 

To be wrong about my marriage 

Hard pills to swallow but swallow I must 

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4 thoughts on “You are not my best friend and memories that I’m not sure what to do with like my anniversary

  1. NH
    Your writing is so freeform and so real and so honest. I love it! You say all the thoughts that are constantly floating or striding through our minds.

    Sending lo e and strength through the ether to soak into your bones. 💖

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