The awkward 

Things are awkward between us.

He probably thinks in his mind he’s trying to be the kind loving supportive husband 

But to me he’s just awkward his weird attempts to initiate sex 

Are cute but weird 

He still is a good guy 

He goes to work is furiously working a budget 

Leading a bible study 

Wanting to make a positive difference than being the self absorbed douche I enabled him to be

I put myself down and married someone who did the same 

Not furiously verbally abusive but manipulating and allowed me to be less than

I allowed it too

I look forward to working towards bettering myself 

I know I’ve said it like a million times but I do

I feel like God is putting a fire in me to move and fail

And know that with God I will walk confident not worrying about anything 

Giving my troubles to him

All my credits transferred but I stil need 39 credits good grief I already have 122 and they were all transferable 

Which is nice wonder if I can double major or something

I was a little down on myself about that 

But I am resurfacing stronger, kinder, and loving on our kids 

I miss the feeling of loving someone overtly but I think I valued his love above myself 

He humiliated me not just in an affair but most of our marriage 

He doesn’t see that of course which is fine maybe one day he will or he won’t 

But his character development is not my responsibility

Nor is what he sees

What matters is what I see 

Who I am 

A few days ago I wanted to die 

I did over a foolish thing 

My pride 

My plans

I thought I would be closer to graduating 

I was wrong 

I took it harder than I thought 

And I felt like a failure 

Like can I just catch a break??!!

But that is not life least not my life nor many of your blogs that I read 

Like my wood floor I’m going to buy a mop tomorrow and condition it 

Defeated isn’t an option sorrow for a time but not defeated 

I’m not good at moving during the sadness 

I’m a wallower 

Silly me 

But I’m learning to spiritually train myself not to be 

Change is hard 

Change is awkward 

If I start this fall I will be graduating class 2018 

With my Bachelor of Arts in Social Science 

Then I will start my Masters fall of 2018 and graduate 2020

If I take summer classes maybe even sooner 

Then I would like to get my Doctorate so potentially I would get my doctorate when I am 42

But those are the plans in my brain I’m sure there will be bumps along the way 

Always are 

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5 thoughts on “The awkward 

  1. BTW you enabled nothing. Race yang to the podium! Not a fair start I know as I am already making a start on my Masters thesis. But hey, I’m a lot older than you 😉. What are you thinking about as far as your second major goes? I did Geography and Anthropology and my credits were less than one third transferable! Doing the Masters in Geography. We can do this together, NH xxx

    • I love you Paula.. ❤ Sounds like a plan I just worry too much instead of saying I can do it.. I can raise my children, keep this house, maintain myself, and do school.
      I say the kids will suffer, I will suffer, everything will suffer..
      Working on changing those thoughts..

      • You can. It is hard work. But you can do it. See how far you have already come. Look at what we have survived. And it doesn’t hurt having the motivation of sticking it to Kendra and Leanne with our achievements! 😉😉😉

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