The pain.. and the comfort.. and the in-between

Yesterday Charles and I and our 3 girls went hiking.. it was beautiful but I’m not much of a hiker

I really do not enjoy the outdoors that much..

I would love to enjoy the outdoors with my children enclosed, with wifi, snacks, and a comfy couch..

but whatevs

And Charles was so attentive.

He kept checking if I was alright, if we should go back.

Always quick to hold my hand, quick to look my way, quick to get the girls to have a break and sit and enjoy the surroundings.

And while Charles being my only adult companion hiking.. I swear 2/3 miles felt like a million up, down, across, wood, rocks, bushes, and streams

He was the best one I’ve ever had.

And as I recognize that. I hold back the ache in my heart until later. Until I can process it.

Sometimes I cry for the woman who was treated like crap.

Even before affair.

I did not know any better.

I pulled myself from my little extra wide boots since I was a little girl

and I did it ever since.. even in marriage.

I fell for a guy who was less than. Who let me pull the relationship on my own.

Because that is what I knew.

Soft, kind love just wasn’t what I knew.

Not how I grew up.

Not complaining about my parents they did the best they could.

I was not read stories in bed, and no one ever asked how my day was because no one was really there.

But I see how my up-bringing led me to love a man who did not know how to love. Who abused and used women. Who had a view of women which I thought funny at the time but I agreed with because i did not care for my mother at the time we met. However his view of women, his lack of friendships or relationships, all signs of someone who could never love me.

And the way I allowed myself to be treated?

Foolish.

Looking back why did I put up with it?

I didn’t know any better..

Same as Charles.. I mean he knew better not to have an affair.

But exploiting women was okay for him. His view of relationships, family, friends, that’s all he knew.

He didn’t know any better in his mind he wasn’t using people to his own benefit.. but now he knows..

The pain of not knowing I suppose.

And how the comfort of new attitudes, new thoughts brings a strange sort of pain all it’s own..

And in-between the nothingness of evaluating all I’m going through only sometimes to just observe and pray..

Well I pray for all of it but sometimes the life of NH and Charles just feels so inbetween with no strong feelings attached at all.

Well here’s to the day..

Off to go shopping 🙂

 

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2 thoughts on “The pain.. and the comfort.. and the in-between

  1. Just keep being kind to that little girl, NH. She deserves some damn kindness. It’s so hard to see how much you love your own kids, how vulnerable they are, and look at yourself and wonder why your parents weren’t able to love you the same way. Different circumstances. Different times. So much less self awareness. But you do deserve to be loved as much as you love. I hope one day you are able to either let Charles back in (hell, I get it, I couldn’t and I REALLY REALLY wanted to. Too much hurt) or find love in other forms. For now, self love and those kids…xxx

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