The I used to’s

For so long and I’m sure I will do it still is the I used to’s

I used to love him 

I used to think him and I were a team 

I remembered what it was like to think I really had something special with my husband 

And as my life starts shifting I have to say 

So are my I used to’s

When he makes me breakfast or gives me grace 

I remember how I used to want him dead

I remember how I used to want to and hope I would get a chance to throw anything at Kendra preferably something hard and of substance 

When he gives me my space 

When he helps decorate for our child’s birthday party (never had done that before without whining or saying I’m going overboard)

I remember I used to hope God took him 

I remember how much I hated him 

I remember wanting to cause him just as much grief 

The I used to’s

I think things are getting better 

For me on the hate part 

His patience with me 

Makes me wonder is this all an act and if it is what a darn good one 

And if he is acting why? Does it make him happy to manipulate me? To make me fall for him again is that what he’s wanting so he can just run me over again?

He’s one sick person if that is what he’s doing 

He’s done this before 

But I wonder if I can truly say that

Because he didn’t work on our marriage before I did 

And I was happily fed bullshit making excuses for his sorry behind 

Thinking well he’s his own person and I should respect that

His phone is personal

He’s an asshole and he wants to get better 

But he’s not so much of an asshole 

He’s patient 

I don’t get badgered 

I don’t get criticized 

I don’t get stupid sighs 

2 years down 

I wonder what 3 will look like 

Silly me is thinking I want to wear a ring again

Anyways getting ready for my Mom and stepdad to visit for a week on Friday 

And by getting ready that means looking at what needs to be done and thinking that will happen tomorrow 

Time to work tomorrow 😊

Till next time 

-NH

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2 thoughts on “The I used to’s

    • It sure does I wouldn’t believe it and I didn’t think as passionately as I hated him I never thought that would diminish like it has I mean it’s still there at times
      But no where like it used to ❤️😊

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