Missing out..

He (Charles)

is in pain.. his back has been hurting for months..

and I don’t have much to do about it. I pray for him, massage him..

But other than that.. it’s about it

And maybe I’ve come across too many dumb articles that speak relationship advice from a lens of rom com’s and how to ensure intimacy with your mate..

It’s all so lame..

I used to be one of them..

And suppose it doesn’t matter.. I cannot help others understand if they believe they are their spouses one and only because they do this.. or that.. or they affair proofed their marriage..

I facepalm anytime I see dumb Christian titled books like that..

Anyways.. I wonder if I’m missing out.. that intimacy that others are talking about.. talking with someone and they being fascinated by me and me by them.

I’ve been eating whatever I want and the lbs are a coming on and he still says he finds me attractive.. it’s so odd..

Because he used to be banged by 110-125’er.. granted she’s a shit wife, mother, and friend.. but is something wrong with me or him?

Is it truly that I cannot feel loved, or is it because it’s coming from him?

Sometimes as I’m getting physical with him I think is it because it’s him? Or because he’s here.

And really probably a disgrace to the covenant I made with him, but he’s attrative.. but that’s all I have with him. He’s attractive, we create awesome kids, and we manage a home and finances decently.. not well.. decently..

But the part I think I’m missing out on?

The connection.. the desire..

I used to visit with a boy.. and he used to stay up all hours with me listening to every mad idea I had.. spend all his time with me..

I never gave him the chance and he’s so sweet and loyal to his wife..

And I married Charles..

bleh.. I don’t want to be all doom and gloom but I made choices like have 4 kids with an asshat.. make a family with said asshat..

I mean he’s nice, doting, but I want more.. and I wonder if that more is what he wanted and ruined everything..

That kind of discontentment..

I wonder if I am tasting what he was going through.. I doubt it because he led his life by his dick..





2 thoughts on “Missing out..

  1. NH, it seems like a never ending cycle of why, how, what if, wtf, can I, should I, will I ever…

    So dizzying!

    I love your writing. It’s so honestly raw and straight from the pit of your stomach.


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