Bestill my heart

It’s Bell’s birthday..

And I look through my FB memories of her..

And then I see her in our truck..

We spent her 2nd birthday waking up in Charles’s mistress’s home in a town about 3 hrs away from our home.

They have since sold that house.. but it pisses me off and my heart drops seeing that picture… How I love my Bell and how I hate I could have spent her day doing anything else than being with Kendra.. the rest of her family was a blast.. I facepainted.. took pictures of her family..

But he didn’t care. I even made before I took our girls there a scavenger hunt for him, to show I cared..

I refuse to be sad on Bell’s day.. like this.. I hate that he tried to have sex with Bell around when she was only 1 1/2 and put her in another room to nap, but she wouldn’t nap..

GAHHH..

I guess the best thing is I realize I don’t hate him as much as I think I do.. Not because I love him, but because I’ve spent as much as I can being angry about him about this.

It does me no good to talk with him about these things that piss me off.. because he’s already said sorry.. what more can a person do right?

Even if he serenaded me and filled our home with roses and chocolate I would think that’s so sweet.. but I wouldn’t feel any more connected than I do to him now.. or it would mend things over..

This anger is mine..

The hurt is mine.. and I’m not sure what to do about that.

I hate I spent our daughter’s day with Kendra at our home.

I hate the both of them were manipulative scum..

Now, though.. now..

Well he cut his hair in a fauxhawk… and he looks darn good.. like David Beckham good..

I know NH.. really David Beckham?? This is how you were able to be deceived because your messed up vision makes you delusional..

But really guys he looks hot..

And he did that hairstyle because I like it.. and it’s true I’m shallow as all get out sometimes..

Because throughout this ordeal and my marriage my husband was a delusion. The one I had in my mind was not the one I was married to.

He hasn’t looked like someone I would date in A LONG TIME.. nor acted like one anyway..

But now?

Whoa.. get outta here.. I really love his hair..

He is looking like someone I would date..

Anyways.. drying up my tears..

And also.. I’m realizing how messed up my relationship with Kendra was and how I viewed friendship.

I should have kept Bell at home. With her friends, with her father.. but I made a sacrifice to see Kendra because Jessie should have friends at her party.. They moved due to job strife.. but I thought I was being a good friend and we were spending time with family..

But she wasn’t my family.. not even close.

Why did I cherish that friendship so much? Because I felt like she understood how sucky my marriage was to Charles and how alone I felt. That she appreciated me and got me.

Kendra filled that desperate attempt for connection for 9 years..

Because Lord knows I wasn’t getting any from Charles.

He seems to want to spend time with me now..

I’m not sure if that’s something to be thankful for.. or be irritated with..

Not anything about him.. but more about me..

Here’s to celebrating Bell.. time for movie night, smiles, and cake..

May I never jeopardize my children or family again by being with company who do not appreciate me ugly and beautiful combined..

Still wish my heart didn’t hurt.. It takes awhile for my chest to feel normal again after these moments..

 

 

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