Valuing myself..

Something I didn’t do when I was 20.

I worked hard it’s what I knew

I was smart, and bull-headed.. many men were intimidated, bewildered, and thought they could belittle me they were wrong..

But I only knew how to fight with my wit, and work hard for what I wanted.

I didn’t like much about myself. I needed others validation.. so I worked hard for it and got it.

I didn’t realize that until later on in life especially now.

Now that I’m learning to love and take care of myself??

Well.. it’s hard for Charles.. because lately I don’t want to sleep with him.. not because I’m not horny.. or don’t want to have sex..

It’s more like should I be having sex or giving someone by body if I don’t value them as a person.

What about Charles character turns me on? What do I value in him? What brings me to love him?

Because the poor guy has changed his hair, his looks so much for me, he cleaned a toilet and I saw him do it.. I think he was going to say something about the toilet.. I really meant to get to it.. and he cleaned it.. no bitching or a complaint.. it was awesome

And when I was leaving to an appointment he put gas in my car..

Awesome.. seriously.. I’m being treated the way I should have been all along.. but I thought girls who received this kind of treatment were lame.. I can do all of these things myself..

But then it turned into I was doing so much and he does so little..

I put up with too much shit from his ass back then.. but in reality is it safe to say it was my own dam fault?

I’m telling y’all right now if my children brought home anyone that was like their father I would send them on their way..

Because why.. my standards were so low….

He was so hot and that was it.

I lusted after his body and his looks, and the sex..

Nothing about his character was dreamy, or remotely anything of his character would be worthy of a young girl who had a fabulous career, who was smart, and so broken..

And now so much has changed about him..

Not sure about us..

And I have changed for sure..

So I have watched and I’m not sure what I’m waiting for, but I’m sure something will happen to where my questions will be answered in regards to Charles as my husband.

He’s still hot, but it’s not as appealing as that once was..

What is appealing is his acts of service to me and his fatherly skills to the kiddos.

And I smile because I’m valuing myself enough to put wisdom into this relationship and evaluate things from a standpoint of a woman with 4 children. A woman who is smart, bright, and loves Jesus, and people..

I’m not perfect by any means but I will not stand for a relationship where I am treated less than, and realistically its because I treated myself less than and that in turn assisted me being in a relationship where I was treated less than.

I wonder if Charles will hold on and continue to treat me as someone special and worthy of waiting for.
How long will he wait? I have no idea.. which is the same answer to the question of when will the pain of a betrayal not hurt to where I have to catch my breath at times..

Lately I’ve felt as if God telling me to be brave and walk with Him as long as I’m with Him all will be well. And I can see how some would see it as God didn’t protect me from Charles and Kendra.. God did not see me through.. but He did.. and if you want to debate that or ask me questions about how or what God did.. email me..

But He did.. and God has been faithful.. even when my husband was not and never will be.. I’ll always be married to a man who cheated… until I am not, or he dies.. whichever comes first.



7 thoughts on “Valuing myself..

  1. We’re taught so many things when we’re young, but I don’t remember “valuing yourself” being one of those things, do you? I wish it hadn’t taken betrayal to push us to do it.
    I love reading your updates, NH. Keep writing. You’re growing in a good way 👍

  2. I am finally starting to FEEL the lessons I have felt for quite some time that I have learned through this trial by fire. I was self aware, I was independent, I did value myself. But in those 28 years, in order to co-exist harmoniously, I did a lot more of the sacrificing, the majority of the compromising. Knowingly. I did voice my dissatisfaction when it was more than even I could take. He knows this. He has apologised a lot for his taking me for granted. I smoothed so much for him to make his life easier. Also, I was never clingy, I never doubted. Because I tell the truth, even when it is uncomfortable, and I assumed that in others, especially people I loved. I have worked hard in recovery and regained my self. It isn’t fully formed, and I still feel a lot of guilt at times. But I guess I am almost a bit lucky, in that the kids are almost all independent, and I can indulge in who I want to be, who I always was.

    I agree with sunshine, there is growth, it is happening.

  3. No, sometimes it gets brought up but only when I’m angry or flipping out or it’s a sarcastic put down from me to him.. He’s gracious when I’m being evil and I’m humble enough to apologize

  4. I don’t think that I purposely don’t bring it up I just have too much going on right now and right now the stage I’m in there is nothing new that I haven’t said..
    But thanks for asking because I plan on thinking about that question more

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