Haven’t cried like that in a long time 

I watched The Meddler with Susan Sarandon it was ok

But the main character was a woman who lost her husband and she longed for him back

And for some reason I just broke down after the movie 

Gosh I miss Charles the one where I thought him and I would be married or be happy till death do us part 

Yes we are still married but the death of the Charles I loved the grief that I cry it isn’t the same 

I picture the husband I loved in a casket and I’m finally saying goodbye and that punch in the stomach feeling 

A feeling I have never ached so much in my adult life while I cry a pain that used to happen frequently but now not so much anymore but I know the feeling and when it starts to come and all I can do is sob because the word cry doesn’t do my tears justice 

I still mourn for the husband I lost,

Even as asshole-ish as he was 

He was mine and I miss the feeling of being with him 

The longing to be with him and he will never come back 

The guy I dated and fell in lust with will never return, the guy I used to share memories with as If the history we built meant something is gone 

I cried for him tonight and I mourned 

I want to stay here and cry some more but college algebra beckons and so does helping myself out of the storm 

My broken heart is not the only chapter in my life and losing my husband still hurts 

He’s not the same I’m not the same and I have to believe that there is a bigger plan 

That I have faith in God there are so much brighter days in store and that I will have a husband again 

One that I love and hold dear 

That whatever crap love I thought was love wasn’t and there is so much more love in store for me 

Just holding on to faith that God is good and That He sees me

If He can control the world He can control this moment 


10 thoughts on “Haven’t cried like that in a long time 

  1. Yep. I still cry the same tears. For the loss of my love of over 20 years. For losing the future we could (should) have had. But mostly for that lovely man. The one who leaked tears as our first child entered the world after a long struggle. Who held our second and pushed him in laps around the house at 2am, 3am, 3.30am … the man I adored. Who was my balance. Who was the calm when I was not. Who needed me when he had a tough day. And so on. That man died. And I got some alien who looks like him and tries to be how he used to be. But the guy I lived died when he put his dick, and pretty much every other body part he could fit, in my ‘friend’s’ vagina. That guy doesn’t exist anymore. Just someone who looks like him and wants to be him. That guy was a figment of my imagination. He never really existed.

    • That is a hurt in itself that the men we adored were just illusions of our own.. Oh how I cry tonight and am so thankful someone understands thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️
      I really do miss him Paula and I feel such a fool for doing so and I feel so silly for hurting the way I do

      • Don’t. Because if you’re silly, then I am a gigantic idiot! I still hurt. A lot. Often. And it’s been ‘far too long’. But I can’t help the hurt. I just have had to incorporate it into a new life. A new way of being. I didn’t have to stay and try to love the new guy. He is lovely. But he isn’t the man I adored. That man would never allow me to feel this hurt. Let alone cause it 😚

  2. crazy how enveloping. overwhelming the pain is. And the aloneness. But you aren’t, you know, alone.
    He’s a good, good Father – that’s who He is. And you’re loved by Him – that’s who you are. HUGS.

  3. And so say all of us… we all understand exactly how you feel. We all morn the husbands/wives we had, the love we thought we had, the trust, the security, the life we shared. And once that atom bomb dust cloud of infidelity settles we know exactly what we are left with. For some, it proves too much, they miss what they had too much to continue with what they are left with, others carry on, in the vein hope that it’ll come back. Whether it will remains to be seen. Hugs to you today xx

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