Disappointed

Bombed my first college algebra test..

I have no idea why.. I know the work.. I don’t know why all of a sudden my mind drew a complete blank..

I’m frustrated bookwork is like what I do.. and I could not for the life of me understand the dam test..

I’m frustrated.. sad.. and feel like I should just stop.. stop going to college because I obvi.. suck at it right now..

I don’t do well with set backs..

I got a 25% score.. fucking 25%..

I hate working hard at something and fitting it into your life only to just completely bomb.. especially when it’s a skill of mine.. I dig math..

Anyways.. so there went 20points off my grade..

And I wonder could I be doing something better with my time?

Feeling really lost right now.. because working hard for something and thinking you are going to be fine.. all of this takes new meaning when you are still married to an adulterer..

And yes I’m going there because I think the disappointment in me hurts even more because I feel quite alone after 15 years of marriage and knowing him.

I don’t care to share my tears with him..

My failures my dreams..

However I did catch myself saying I love you and my leg always lifting backwards as we kiss. and I’ve thought lately.. Oh NH what a complete utter fool you are.. If you think you can love him, or even be in love with him..

One part of me wants to say this is how God wants it. This marriage this family it’s a package deal with all the amenities of having spoiled children who for the fucking life of me have been complaining about the dumbest shit.

Like Em with her complaining why I didn’t give her another spoon in lunch to eat her yogurt and fruit cup.

And Bel with the constant nonsense about her footwear.

Maybe I’m a raging lunatic because I stayed up all last night working and reworking problems and formulas only to have nothing to show for it.

I feel like that’s the story of my life..

Ugh if you’ve read this thanks for reading me bitch and whine..

Here’s to tomorrow.. it’s bouncy house day for Squish.. I do look forward to her nap tomorrow.

Going to go drown my sorrows somewhere else now..

Unfortunately not in my bed though.. Squish took it over since no one put a pull-up on her for bedtime so she woke up wet and screaming of course 15 minutes before I could muster up anymore wrong answers. She wakes up screaming at 11:40 and test has to be in by 11:59.. Whatever..

Did I mention how disappointed I am in myself..

Ugh..

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19 thoughts on “Disappointed

  1. Bugger! But it is one test. Not a whole degree. One test that you missed a pass mark on. Pull on those magnificent big girl pants (after swearing and being pissed off for a bit) and cane the next one! Xxx

  2. I’m sorry you didn’t do well but as Paula pointed out it’s one test. You can do this and I’m sure you’ll do it well. College can be tough and even moreso when you have four kids! Give yourself a break, dust yourself off and go kick ass on the next test!

  3. It happens. Just go over what you didn’t know and spend more time studying. Go to office hours and see if you can do extra credit to get this grade up. One day at a time. One test at a time. You can do it.

  4. You may be disappointed in yourself but this is just a hiccup. I made 88 on my first EMT test. I was devastated and embarrassed…and get this….I was afraid Loser was going to be disappointed in me.
    I kicked myself in the butt and set a goal. I was determined to NEVER make below at least 98.
    I made straight 100s after that and graduated top in my class.
    You can do it! I know you have other distractions but YOU CAN DO THIS! You are smart, and we all know it.
    Now that you’ve kicked yourself in the butt…..stare that test in the eye and say “you are not going to beat me! I am a warrior!”

  5. NH- don’t beat yourself up! I’m proud of you for putting yourself in the position to pass or fail. I can’t even imagine tackling college algebra and raising a family and dealing with everything else all at once. Take a step back to see what went wrong, and you will do much better on the next one.
    ☀️

    • Thanks sunshine.. I appreciate the kind words.. and I hope to do MUCH better next time.. however it just blows it’s the first academic test I have ever failed…ever.. but guess it’s good to finally get that over and done with now that I’m almost 37..

  6. Share how you feel with the professor. Take your test in and go over it question by question to see what happened and where you stop understanding what was being asked. You can do this. You are entitled to help. It is part of learning. Maybe everyone else bombed too. Don’t give up. Don’t beat yourself up. You are there to learn and that is what you are doing.

    • What a great take on things.. I probably would go in.. but it’s online and she just corrects them and shows what we did wrong.. it’s a bummer I would probably rather do class in person for college algebra but time permitting just cant’t.. Did love your encouraging words on learning and boy if that isn’t the truth and a great reminder that I am learning.. not just going through steps.. 🙂

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