Bombed my first college algebra test..
I have no idea why.. I know the work.. I don’t know why all of a sudden my mind drew a complete blank..
I’m frustrated bookwork is like what I do.. and I could not for the life of me understand the dam test..
I’m frustrated.. sad.. and feel like I should just stop.. stop going to college because I obvi.. suck at it right now..
I don’t do well with set backs..
I got a 25% score.. fucking 25%..
I hate working hard at something and fitting it into your life only to just completely bomb.. especially when it’s a skill of mine.. I dig math..
Anyways.. so there went 20points off my grade..
And I wonder could I be doing something better with my time?
Feeling really lost right now.. because working hard for something and thinking you are going to be fine.. all of this takes new meaning when you are still married to an adulterer..
And yes I’m going there because I think the disappointment in me hurts even more because I feel quite alone after 15 years of marriage and knowing him.
I don’t care to share my tears with him..
My failures my dreams..
However I did catch myself saying I love you and my leg always lifting backwards as we kiss. and I’ve thought lately.. Oh NH what a complete utter fool you are.. If you think you can love him, or even be in love with him..
One part of me wants to say this is how God wants it. This marriage this family it’s a package deal with all the amenities of having spoiled children who for the fucking life of me have been complaining about the dumbest shit.
Like Em with her complaining why I didn’t give her another spoon in lunch to eat her yogurt and fruit cup.
And Bel with the constant nonsense about her footwear.
Maybe I’m a raging lunatic because I stayed up all last night working and reworking problems and formulas only to have nothing to show for it.
I feel like that’s the story of my life..
Ugh if you’ve read this thanks for reading me bitch and whine..
Here’s to tomorrow.. it’s bouncy house day for Squish.. I do look forward to her nap tomorrow.
Going to go drown my sorrows somewhere else now..
Unfortunately not in my bed though.. Squish took it over since no one put a pull-up on her for bedtime so she woke up wet and screaming of course 15 minutes before I could muster up anymore wrong answers. She wakes up screaming at 11:40 and test has to be in by 11:59.. Whatever..
Did I mention how disappointed I am in myself..